


Phoenix

by wth_am_i_writing



Series: Trust-verse Collaboration [2]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gang World, Angst, EXO and Block B are mentioned/make appearances but I'm not tagging them lol, F/M, Foot Fetish, Gang/Mafia AU, Near Death Experiences, POV Second Person, Smut, Torture, Violence, sub!VIXX, there's some minor kris/reader and hyuk/reader as well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 10:00:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 60,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17139710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wth_am_i_writing/pseuds/wth_am_i_writing
Summary: Shake off the ashes and rise up again. The journey will be long, it will be hard, and you’re already tired, but shake off the ashes. Now is not the time to stop moving.





	1. Death

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on August 12. 2014.
> 
> 12/24/18 Author's note: This is meant to be read after Vinter and Alex's parts, which I've linked to.  
> [Double Nature - Part 1 (Vinter)](http://storiesbyvinter.tumblr.com/post/82831435614/trust-double-nature-part-1-rated-m)  
> [Double Nature - Part 2 (Vinter)](http://storiesbyvinter.tumblr.com/post/82831804212/trust-double-nature-part-2-rated-m)  
> [Pieces Mended - Part 1 (Alex)](http://getyourvixxfixx.tumblr.com/post/85980389946/trust-pieces-mended-part-i)  
> [Pieces Mended - Part 2 (Alex)](http://getyourvixxfixx.tumblr.com/post/85981210996/trust-pieces-mended-part-ii)  
> [Pieces Mended - Part 3 (Alex)](http://getyourvixxfixx.tumblr.com/post/85982059386/trust-pieces-mended-part-iii)  
> [Pieces Mended - Part 4 (Alex)](http://getyourvixxfixx.tumblr.com/post/85983192691/trust-pieces-mended-part-iv)  
> Original Author’s Note: Finally done with this behemoth!!! The Trust collab with @storiesbyvinter and @getyourvixxfixx was started months ago with Leader’s first fic “Falling” and I’ll now bring Leader’s story to an end with “Phoenix”. Vinter actually contributed a LOT to this fic, but that’s because there’s another fic coming after this one that ties a lot into this one! Because Phoenix so massive, I’ve split it up into 3 thematic arcs and 7 parts. Despite all the splitting, this is one fic and is meant to be read through as one piece. This ended up being so damn long because I wanted to give all the characters some amount of closer, and really Leader and N needed this long of a fic. writing this out, Vinter and I felt kinda bad for Block B; We made them such bastards and did horrible things. Please know, I quite adore Block B! Anyway, I’ve poured a shit ton of love and sweat and nights into this, so I hope you enjoy~
> 
> A note about names: One of the big things in this fic, which is pretty important for understanding Leader’s reactions at times, is names. Leader goes by three names: Leader (and variants like Leader-nim), Nixe, and her personal name (unrevealed). Leader is her job position, a term most members of VIXX call her out of respect and what she expects the members of VIXX to call her to her face. Nixe is her street name and is what people outside of VIXX call her, and what a select few within VIXX can call her when they want to express an intimate non-work relationship with her (like siblings or close friends). Finally is her real name: something only people with express permission can use because it shows a very deep level of intimacy (like how Birdie calls Leo Taekwoon, but everyone else calls him Leo; also like how Leader called N both N and Hakyeon in “Falling”).

It’d happened so fast you barely realized what happened. Your first reaction to pain was to lash out, return it in kind immediately. The first blow had been to your stomach. You’d managed to grab your gun before your attacker had realized you hadn’t gone down. The second bullet hit the top of your shoulder. You closed the distance and raised your gun at the same time that he fired. The third bullet hit your left chest. As you went down you just barely registered the sound of a fourth shot quickly followed by a fifth and sixth shot. A fucking amatuer, you thought as your head collided with the pavement.

“ _Shit_ ,” Ravi hissed, falling to his knees beside you. He pressed his hands to your chest, eyes panic stricken. “Somebody get a car!”

“I’m rusty…” you laughed weakly, staring up into Ravi’s eyes. “Didn’t even get a shot off…”

“You hit him in the head,” Ravi reassured you, shaking his head. “You’re a quicker draw than me.” You laughed again, but pain surged through your chest and stomach. “Just hold on. We’ll have you to Hongbin’s soon.” His hands disappeared from your chest and he scooped you up, rushing to the car that had pulled up. He ducked into the car backwards, careful not to knock you on any of the metal. Once settled into the back seat, he brought his hands back up to your chest and pressed down.

So much for meeting EXO as planned. You’d been in their territory, headed towards the meetup point, a small but beautiful urban park between office buildings completely owned by EXO. It was going to be a fairly large meeting with several high ranking members from both sides present. Obviously someone didn’t want you there today, but the assassin was green and had been sent to his death. He’d walked right out and shot you before anyone had registered he wasn’t friendly.

“You’re an idiot,” Ravi scolded you, moving one hand from your chest to your stomach.

“I’ve survived worse,” you horsed out with a smile.

“No, I think this is the worst,” he insisted, shaking his head.

“Really? Then I can survive worse.”

“You need a new bodyguard. Everyone knows that Leo’s gone.” How long had it been since you’d returned to Korea without Leo? You’d lost your sense of time before you’d even stepped off that plane back home. You still weren’t used to him being gone. Your movements today had been very much the movements of a person with a bodyguard. You’d been too open, too reckless. Despite the number of men you’d brought with you, none were trained with the sharpness that Leo was, nor knew your behavior and movements as intimately as Leo had.

“I’m not replacing Leo. No one could even do half as good a job. I can handle myself.” You just had to drill it into your muscle memory.

“You say that now… Even half as good a job would be better than nothing.”

“Hey, I killed the shooter, didn’t I?” He’d said you’d shot him in the head, so you had to have killed him.

“After getting shot three times.”

“Flesh wounds” you laughed faintly.

“I don’t how you aren’t unconscious.” He was frowning, eyes worried as they roved over your body. Your eyes became heavy and it was getting harder and harder to keep them open.

“Flesh wounds,” you repeated, even quieter, finding it hard to control your breathing.

“Hey now, we’re almost to Hongbin’s. Don’t fall asleep now.” He shook you slightly, but it did nothing to help keep you awake. Maybe now was finally your time to die.

-.-.-.-.-

Your eyes fluttered open. Your vision was blurry with sleep and your eyelids heavy. You didn’t want to wake up, not really. Your sleep hadn’t been peaceful, but you’d felt the urge to at least try. What had happened? Your mind wasn’t putting together what had happened before you had slept. You glanced around and thought your eyes must have been playing tricks on you–or maybe you hadn’t actually woken up and this was a dream. But the red hair and double-breasted suit in the chair next to the bed looked so familiar.

But he couldn’t be there.

He wouldn’t be there.

Your eyes fluttered closed and sleep reclaimed you.

-.-.-.-.-

It was bright. You squeezed your eyes shut before slowly opening them. Shifting, you realized there was a weight on your lap and arm. You craned your neck and peered down. A blond head rested in your lap, his hand on your arm. Hyuk, you registered. Clingy little rat. Fucked him a few times out of desperate loneliness and he thought he was something special. But you left him be, no energy in your body to push him away. You dropped your head back to the pillow, pain coursing through it from moving, and stared up at the ceiling.

You could feel your brows knit together in confusion as you tried to remember just why you were in a hospital bed with needles stuck in your arm. You lolled your head to the side to look at the IV bags. It hit you, memories of the shooting resurfacing when you saw the blood drip. How were you still alive? He’d shot you in the chest and stomach. By all means you should have been dead. A cellphone went off and Hyuk shifted, groaning as he sat up. Your lap felt cold with him gone. He pulled out his cellphone.

“Hello?” he said groggily into the phone. He went silent, eyes drifting up to look at your face. When he realized you were staring back, his eyes went wide. “H-hyungnim–Sh-she’s awake!” He went silent as he listened to the person on the other end. “She’s really awake. But– just give me a few minutes? Thank you.” He hung up the phone and shoved it into his pocket, immediately standing up and leaning over you. His eyes were filled with relief and he looked like he was about to cry.

“It feels like a miracle,” he smiled, reaching down to touch your face. You narrowed your eyes at him.

“Get,” you paused, throat dry and voice hoarse. You cleared your throating and started again. “Get your hand off me.”

“Sorry, ma’am,” Hyuk apologized, backing away. “I got too excited. When you didn’t wake up after the first three days we started to get worried.”

“How long?” you asked, shifting on the bed, only for everything to scream in pain.

“You’ve been out for five days,” Hyuk answered.

“Only five?” Hyuk nodded. “Surprised it wasn’t longer.”

“I’m glad it wasn’t…” Hyuk mumbled, squirming nervously. “I’m glad you’re ok.”

“I’m not ok yet,” you sighed. “Everything fucking hurts.”

“Then pick your opiate,” Hongbin’s smooth voice came from behind Hyuk.

“Oxycodone,” you replied without thinking. You just wanted to be able to move without hurting.

“You’re already on morphine, you know,” he chuckled.

“Whatever…” you groaned. “Give me more.”

“Hyuk, Ken called and told me to make sure you don’t stay too long,” Hongbin scolded Hyuk. The blond sighed and bowed, apologizing before he ducked out. He obviously didn’t want to leave. Hongbin turned to you with a smile, dimples in full view.

“What?” you growled.

“You’re awake,” he said simply. He came to the bed railing and gripped the metal. “When Ravi brought you in, I really wondered if I could save you.”

“Why ‘m I still alive?” you asked, searching his eyes. His smile fell off his face and he bent down over you, finger coming out to point at the wound on your chest.

“The bullet that hit your chest somehow managed to miss your heart. The damage was controllable,” he explained. He moved his hand to point at your stomach. “The one to your stomach managed to hit both intestines.” His hand came back up to your chest and pointed at your shoulder. “And your shoulder muscles were torn up. But you’ll live. They got you here in time, though you’d lost a lot of blood. It was the stomach wound that almost killed you. Ravi stupidly didn’t pay it as much attention.”

“Aren’t I fucking lucky?” you murmured.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you again so soon,” Hongbin sighed. “You don’t come back between when you get your pills, but at least you haven’t had trouble sleeping over the last few days.” You frowned, not taking his joke kindly. You’d started taking sleeping pills a few months after you’d left Leo behind in China with the baby. You couldn’t sleep and when you finally managed to, it wasn’t restful. It had started to affect your work and your senses, so after several nights of drinking yourself to sleep, you approached Hongbin out of fear of ending up like your father.

“It wasn’t restful. Might as well not have slept.” Hongbin laughed.

“Your body needed that time though.”

“I had one dream. That N had come to see me.”

“Aah, that wasn’t a dream. You must have woken up for a moment two or three days ago,” Hongbin corrected, looking up to the ceiling.

“You let the bastard in?” you attempted to growl but you didn’t have enough strength to.

“As soon as word got out that you’d been shot, he showed up. He was more worried than Ravi, so I let him in,” Hongbin explained. “He was in and out until Hyuk chased him off a couple of days ago.” You scoffed. Two troublesome men. “The little rat’s behavior is cute.”

“ ‘S annoying.” Hongbin laughed, loud and hardily. The sound caused a sharp pain to shoot through your head. You flinched and Hongbin quieted immediately.

“I’ll go tell the nurses to adjust the morphine drip.” Hongbin smiled apologetically. “I need to get back to work anyway.” You sighed, closing your eyes. You wanted to sleep again.

-.-.-.-.-

“He was dead when he hit the ground,” Ravi said, leaning back in the chair at your bedside, legs crossed and hands on the arm rests. “EXO took the body, but not before we could get a good look at it.”

“Where was he from?” you rasped out. Your body didn’t hurt anymore, but you were still trying to recover from sleeping so much.

“He was from Block B.” You sighed. Block B was a group of troublemakers whose goals weren’t particularly clear. They mostly committed petty crimes and fought for territory, and had a tendency to be crazy. But occasionally they’d pull off a major crime that stunned the rest of the city. Whatever they were up to was bound to be annoying. “EXO’s embarrassed this even happened, so they said they’d take revenge into their own hands. But I’m personally not satisfied with just leaving it to them.” Ravi’s tone was dark and he was sliding into his lower registers.

“By all means, it shouldn’t have happened,” you mumbled. “They’re mostly to blame, but our guard was down too. I should have been more vigilant.” Ravi’s frown deepened.

“It doesn’t change that Block B sent someone to take you out. The only reason you aren’t dead is because the hitman was a lousy shot.”

“I’ll pay back the pain double when I get out. Our men won’t fuck up.”

“Like N did?” You narrowed your eyes at the mention of your former lover’s fuck up. He hadn’t managed to kill Ren, though he did manage to badly injure him while getting injured himself in the process. But he’d secured the brothel nonetheless. You’d considered it an earnest enough attempt to clear his name because he’d managed to cause all sorts of _other_ problems for NU’EST in the process. And Ravi knew that. “Besides, Hongbin says you can’t leave for a few more weeks. I’ll take over while you’re recovering.”

“And why do I have to stay here?” you hissed, attempting to push yourself up into a sitting position but your body wouldn’t cooperate.

“You _want_ to recover, right? You’ll have to stay here for rest and rehabilitation. Push yourself too hard and you’ll just get worse again. Just stay here and don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of everything.”

“Ravi–”

“ _Please_ ,” he begged, sitting forward. “I want you to get better as fast as you can, so please don’t be stubborn about this. I can handle things.”

“Whatever,” you sighed, exhaustion suddenly washing over you.

“I should go. I need to meet with EXO.” You didn’t respond to him, and instead stared at the wall. He sighed, standing to leave the room.

-.-.-.-.-

“Open wide,” Hongbin teased, tone high and gentle as if he were talking to a baby. You narrowed your eyes at him. He held up a spoonful of rice porridge, the first solid food they were reintroducing you to now that your bowels were healing.

“Like hell I’m going to let you spoon feed me,” you hissed. Hongbin laughed, almost spilling the porridge on the sheets. “Just give me the spoon and I’ll eat with my left hand.”

“Give a man some simple pleasures in life. I’m doing a lot for you right now,” he grinned. “I’m taking time out of my busy day to come feed you. Feel honored, Leader-nim.”

“Yeah, well I’m taking time out of my busy life to lay here all day. You just like seeing me be helpless in bed,” you spat.

“Yes, it brings me so much pleasure,” he rolled his eyes, then met yours again. “Much more enjoyable than imagining what you do to the people you send me to treat.” His grin hadn’t budged an inch, and it annoyed you. “Now, open wide.” You grabbed his wrist and squeezed, wrinkling your nose as you glared him down.

“Give me the damned spoon and let me feed myself,” you hissed. Hongbin’s cheerful expression disappeared and his expression grew dark.

“You’re too thin,” he bit out. “You dropped a lot of weight after you came back from China and you were just starting to regain it. But since you’ve been here, your weight’s started to drop again. When we leave you to feed yourself, you get frustrated and stop.” You clenched his wrist tighter. You couldn’t tell him that you weren’t hungry at all, that you’d barely had any desire to eat since the day you gave birth. You’d just started to come to terms with everything and your appetite was finally coming back, that you hadn’t been forcing food down as much. But being confined to the hospital was driving you mad and your appetite had disappeared again.

“I’ll feed myself,” you growled. “I’ll eat what I’m hungry enough to eat.”

“I need to make sure you’re eating enough,” Hongbin pushed back.

“You’re not–” Hongbin shoved the spoon into your mouth, easily overpowering you. You swallowed, glare intensifying.

“See, not so bad, right?” he hummed smugly. You had half a mind to spit the next spoonful he shoved in your mouth on his face. But you thought better than to pick that fight. It was better to appease him and hope he stopped pursuing it after seeing you cooperate. He pulled the spoon from your mouth, shook off your hand and reloaded it with porridge. When he brought the spoon back to your lips, you gripped his wrist again.

“Hongbin, let me feed myself.” Hongbin sighed.

“Fine. But I’m going to watch you eat it all. You won’t be able to get better if you don’t eat properly.” You wrinkled your nose but took the spoon from him. You brought the spoon to your lips shakily, barely managing to get it in your mouth without spilling it. Hongbin held the bowl out for you and you reloaded the spoon. You repeated the process a few more times before getting the hang of it enough to feel confident and gave Hongbin a haughty look. You cleaned the bowl and pressed your back as far as it would go into the upright mattress. Your stomach felt so full you thought it’d burst, making you feel more ill than before eating. Hongbin smiled, pulling a tissue from the box on your bedside table. He leaned forward and wiped your mouth.

“Stop doting on me,” you hissed, glaring at him.

“Give a man his simple pleasures,” Hongbin laughed, pulling back. “I might not get the chance again.” He placed the bowl on the bedside table and stood. “I’m going to wean you off the morphine soon and start you on another medication. I’ll have the nurses start you on range of motion exercises this afternoon.”

“Whatever. As long as I get out of here faster,” you grumbled.

“Ah! That’s right! N’s been coming by every once in a while. Should I keep shooing him away?”

“Unless he has some business for me that Ravi can’t take care of, boot his ass out,” you hissed. Since you’d come back, you’d only been dealing with N when it came to business. If he tried to bring up anything personal, you shot the conversation down. A traitor that couldn’t keep his dick in his pants wasn’t worth getting personable with, even if you had spared his life.

After interrogating him, you sat down and listened to every single one of the recordings from his office from beginning to end. It had been torture; it had probably been stupid. But you felt like you learned more about N through those tapes than you ever had during your years long relationship with him. The way he seduced and pampered women had been especially hurtful–the prostitutes you could ignore, but Lee Jiyeon made your world crumble. After hearing her interactions with him, you found yourself doubting every declaration of adoration that ever left N’s mouth.

Your heart died with that relationship. You wouldn’t open yourself up like that again.

“Right. I’ll let the nurses know,” Hongbin nodded. He paused for a moment before taking a deep breath and speaking, “You’re going to have to face him sooner or later, you know.”

“I’ll delay it as long as possible.”

-.-.-.-.-

_N handed back the toddler to her mother, the wife of one of the middle ranking members that lived in HQ, and joined you on the couch of the common room, where you’d been sitting and watching him. He sighed contentedly, putting his arm around your shoulder as you snuggled into his chest._

_“You look cute when you play with babies,” you noted. He laughed sheepishly, pulling you tighter against his side. It had been a long day–you’d been awake and attending to matters for 20 hours. But N had dropped by HQ for the first time in weeks, so you forced yourself to stay up with him even though you were exhausted._

_“Only because the kids are so cute. Their cuteness rubs off on whoever plays with them.”_

_“More like the kids become cute because your reactions to them are so cute,” you teased. He laughed again, this time full heartedly. “You’re so natural around them.”_

_“I’ve got a few nieces and nephews now, so I’m just used to them.”_

_“Even before they were born you were good with kids. Maybe it’s your inner child. You’re just a big baby, after all.”_

_“Yaaa! I’m your big baby.” You laughed, circling your arms around him._

_“You’re ridiculous,” you murmured into his chest, drinking up his scent._

_“Ridiculously charming.” You hit his chest, stifling another laugh._

_“Ridiculously silly,” you corrected and he laughed, bringing his other arm around you to pull you as close as he could. “I wanna go to bed,” you murmured, dragging your hand down his chest to his belt buckle and tapping on it. He groaned in approval and you detangled yourself, taking his hand and leading him to your room. The moment the door was closed, your jackets hit the ground and he was kneeling in front of you waiting for his orders. You tugged him back up, too tired to play extravagant games, and pulled him close. You just wanted to cuddle with him and make sweet, slow love._

_“Not today?” he pouted._

_“Maybe after some sleep,” you smiled, snaking your hands up to his hair and pulling him down for a kiss. The kiss was passionate and hungry, but the image of N with children stuck in your mind. When you pulled back, you brought your hands down to his shirt buttons and looked him in the eye as you began to unfasten them. “Have you ever thought of having your own?”_

_“Own what?” he asked, brows knitting together in confusion._

_“Baby.” He paused, searching your eyes._

_“There are enough running around here, don’t you think?” he finally replied, hands linking together at the small of your back. You smiled, knowing he’d answered that way because he knew you weren’t good with children and hadn’t expressed much of a want for them before._

_“I want to see you be cute with your own flesh and blood.”_

_“Mmm, then come with me next time I visit one of my sisters.”_

_“N, let’s have a baby together.” He stiffened, face awash with emotion._

_“A-are you sure?” he stuttered. You nodded, sliding your hands under his shirt and around his waist. His face melted into something warm and overwhelmed at the prospect. You traced the phoenix on his back, leaning in and resting your head on the crook of his neck._

_“You’d be a good father,” you explained simply. His arms slid up your back and squeezed you tightly. He murmured your name into your hair, with what sounded like tears in his voice._

_“But what about your position? We can’t exactly meet everyday and we’re both so busy,” he mused, always the type to worry._

_“Then how about we just leave it to chance? If we get pregnant, we get pregnant. We’ll figure it out.”_

_“I want to get pregnant,” he murmured and you laughed, squeezing him._

_“Then how ‘bout you cum inside tonight?” The way he moaned at the idea had you pushing him towards the bed._

-.-.-.-.-

If your heart had died when N betrayed you, whatever was left of your sense completeness vanished when you left Leo behind in China to raise the baby with Inspector. The decision had been made before you even stepped foot on Chinese soil, but it had cut through you the moment he’d suggested it. “On loan to EXO” was how you’d phrased it to the others upon your return. It had been like several pieces of your soul had been ripped out, despite Leo’s earnest efforts to make the transition painless.

You’d left behind a lot in China–your child and the man that had been like your shadow and brother, your last close confident. The baby had come before his due date and only spent a few fleeting moments in your arms before you handed him over to Birdie–as you’d come to call Inspector. You hadn’t wanted to let him go, but you knew it was the best thing for him. It wasn’t a time you liked to think about, but it plagued your thoughts at night along with N’s betrayal.

You’d returned from China alone and buried the pain deep inside. Though Ravi had doted on you the month that you’d returned, easing you back into business as usual, you had found yourself without anyone to turn to. A result of your own devising and stubbornness, you concluded. You mourned the loss of the child you’d carried, the relationship that conceived him, and the man who cared for him. The person you’d been before seemed to disappear, leaving a mask of bitter words and a sharp temper that you wore to protect yourself.

Everyday, the line between you and VIXX blurred more–the only thing you had left was VIXX and your sense of responsibility to those who were part of the group. You got used to being alone, even if you weren’t used to Leo not being at your back. You were used to a cold bed even before you ended things with N, and everyone had been too busy dealing with NU’EST and BTS on your return to justify bothering them. Your weakness would only hurt the group, so you put on a strong face and beat the feelings down with alcohol and cigarettes and the occasional fuck.

You’d started to come to terms with it all, had started to pull forward where you’d stagnated. You quit smoking, cut down on the alcohol, made conscious efforts to eat regular meals–only to get shot and put in the hospital. The reigns of VIXX had been taken from your hands and you’d been sitting useless in the hospital. But the people who visited you were slowly reminding you that you were a person–valued and worried about. It was breaking your walls and your patience, forcing memories you’d wanted to forget to the surface.

So when Suho and D.O from EXO turned up about a week after you woke up, you weren’t sure how to react. You pushed yourself up in the bed and swung your feet over the edge. Slowly, you eased yourself off and stood. It’d be best to regard them with caution for the moment.

“I’d go to you, but this is all I can manage for now,” you explained.

“You look like you’re doing well for someone who’d been on her death bed a few days ago, Nixe,” Suho said, a smile on his lips as he crossed the room to get closer to you. You noticed the large and ornate bouquet of flowers in his hand.

“It’ll take more than that to kill me.” You shifted your weight and tilted your head as you looked into Suho’s eyes. They were dressed in fine suits, making you feel uncomfortably weak without your own suit. Two piece button-down pajamas just didn’t scream power and confidence the way a well tailored suit did, no matter how luxurious the fabric was. “Flesh wounds, all of ‘em.”

“You’re definitely doing well to be making claims like that,” Suho laughed. “The blood wasn’t easy to clean up, you know.”

“I imagine the assassin’s brain was even harder to clean up,” you snorted. Suho shook his head.

“Kris sends his regards,” he changed the subject, holding up the bouquet. You took the flowers and turned them over, noting the card attached but not touching it. “If he could, he would have come himself, but you know how busy he is.” You nodded, remembering the tall leader of EXO-M, the hot affair you’d had with him in China and his marriage proposals. Even though you’d turned him down, he was still adamant about trying to woo you back. The bouquet probably wasn’t the first one he’d sent, but Hongbin had likely refused them at the door or diverted them to use as decorations around the clinic to prevent your room from becoming overwhelmed or wasting the flowers. “He’ll be glad to know you’re well.”

“Surely this isn’t the only reason you’re here. Didn’t Ravi thoroughly reassure you that I was alive and kicking?” You placed the bouquet on the bedside table.

“He did, but I wanted to come and personally apologize. The assassin found a hole in security. Those responsible for that hole have been properly punished,” Suho explained.

“We brought you their fingers,” D.O said, stepping forward and presenting you with a box. You took it, eyebrow raised, and opened it. The show of severed fingers would’ve been out of place had it been given to anyone but you. You had a penchant for asking for proof of bodily damage done for retribution, and they likely knew you’d appreciate the show of fingers more than an expensive gift. After glimpsing the pile of fingers you handed it back.

“Lovely. Please go incinerate it,” you said dryly.

“As for Block B, we did a drive by on one of their more important offices. The death toll should be equivalent enough to satisfy the crime they committed. If they’re smart, they’ll take the warning and stay down.”

“If they were smart, they’d never have fucked with us to start with,” you grumbled.

“If they continue to cause trouble, they’ll be taken care of,” Suho insisted. You sighed, hoping that it was all over, despite the rather empty feeling revenge. You didn’t like relying on EXO more than necessary. There was a knock at the door, interrupting the conversation. D.O cocked an eyebrow at you and you motioned for him to get the door. When the door opened, you noted Ravi’s signature snowy-white hair.

“What is it?” you asked dryly.

“Catcher’s here and wants to talk to you,” Ravi answered. Her red hair was barely visible beyond him, moving around as she squirmed impatiently and tried to peer into the room. You sighed, looking over at Suho, wondering what could have possessed her to drop by.

“Let her in,” you allowed, shifting your weight slightly as Ravi opened the door and let her in. Catcher paused just in the door, wrinkling her nose at Suho.

“How long’s this visit going to be, because I can wait my turn,” Catcher asked, eyes darting between you and EXO’s leader.

“I guess we’ve done everything we came to do here,” Suho said, looking at you. He approached you and gave you a gentle hug, which you returned reluctantly. “I know it’ll be hard, but please rest. I’d feel terrible if you couldn’t fully recover.”

“I’ll try,” you assured as he pulled away. He motioned for D.O and the two left the room, Catcher following them out the door and watched the men disappear down the hall before she popped back in. She closed the door behind her, the lock clicking softly before she approached you.

“Now that those idiots are gone,” she started, sitting down in the bedside chair, “we can have a proper fight.” You smirked at her jab, shifting your weight. The bullet wounds screamed, but you choked the pain down. You’d survived labor with minimal noise and you’d survive these gunshots the same way. Catcher wrinkled her nose. “You look like shit. Just get back in the bed already.” You sneered at her in return, but sat down on the bed.

“I didn’t think you’d bother to come see me unless it was my funeral.”

“I’m not here because I want to be,” she frowned.

“So to what do I owe this pleasant visit?” you asked.

“The men are idiots, so I thought I’d come to you instead,” she grumbled. You scoffed, the action sending a jolt through your stomach. “But before that, Ken wanted me to give you this.” She held out a box of sampler chocolate. “He says get better soon.” You took the box from her, shaking your head as you looked it over. Leave it to Ken to send food. You placed it on your bedside table and turned your attention back to Catcher.

“So what do you want to tell me?”

“EXO and Ravi might be telling you that they got retribution for your injuries, but I don’t think we’re done with Block B just yet. They’re stupidly unpredictable, but I think they might be preparing for another one of their stunts. They’re up to something…” she explained, falling serious.

“And Ravi won’t believe you?”

“He’s as bull headed as you, but you have more brains.” You snickered at the jab, knowing it was true. “I just don’t think he’s taking it as seriously as he should. Block B is crazy. They _sent an assassin_ after you when you were in an even more powerful group’s territory.” She was obviously frustrated at their erratic behavior. “And _you_ ,” she hissed, looking up at you with burning eyes. “You let him walk up to you and shoot you. How can you be so _stupid_?” You growled at her, standing up again and ignoring the screaming pain of your muscles.

“I didn’t realize he was an enemy,” you hissed, flinching at the pain in your wounds.

“For goodness sake, don’t reopen your wounds,” she scolded. You glared at her but sat back down. “You better get well soon. It’s weird seeing you like this and the boys are being stupid in your absence.”

“Believe me, if Hongbin would let me, I’d already be back to work,” you bit out. You had nothing left but VIXX and sitting around made you feel useless. Exhaustion washed over you, the interactions too much at one time.

“How much longer until you return?” she asked, voice turning serious.

“A few weeks at best. A month and a half if people like you keep coming and working me up.” She sneered at the jab. “But I’ll be at my desk for a long time.”

“I already told you, I don’t _want_ to be here.”

“Isn’t your business done? Then get out.” Catcher wrinkled her nose and stood.

“I was ready to anyway,” she growled, swiftly walking to the door. She threw it open and didn’t bother to close it behind her. You sighed and grabbed the box of chocolate. Upon opening it, you saw that two pieces were missing. Realizing what must have happened, you couldn’t help but scream.

“Fuck you, Catcher!” Your wounds stung, and you doubt she heard for all your effort but it made you slightly less mad. You shoved the cover back on and tossed it to your bedside table. You weren’t hungry anyway.

-.-.-.-.-

_Kris stirred behind you, groaning sleepily as his hands snaked around your waist and he nuzzled into your shoulder. He pressed himself close, hugging you tight, half-hard erection against your thigh. You placed your hands over his on your stomach as he began to press kisses onto your shoulders and up your neck. You relaxed into his touch, losing yourself in his warmth and affection. He kissed behind your ear where your brand was, paying special attention to the flesh before bringing his lips to your ear ._

_“Happy Birthday, Nixe,” he breathed lazily. Your birthday? Was it really? Time had passed by so quickly. You hummed, not sure how to feel and he shifted behind you, hand slipping from under yours and down between your thighs to touch you. He pulled his other arm from under you and propped himself up, kissing your cheek. You turned your head and he caught your lips. When he pulled back, he looked you in the eye, gaze filled with emotion._

_“You’re eyes are bloodshot,” he commented, the fingers between you legs stilling. “Another nightmare?”_

_“Yeah,” you sighed. You’d only gotten a few hours sleep because of it._

_“What was it about?” he asked, expression turning concerned._

_“The usual.” Leo ripping the baby from your womb and leaving you to bleed as he went to Inspector with a smile. A nightmare you’d had three times now. You wanted to forget. “Make me forget.” Kris hummed, leaning back down to kiss you, fingers beginning to move again. After a few moments, he shifted, pulling his hand away and gently moving your leg so he had better access._

_“Can I put it in?” he asked. You nodded, moaning when he pressed into you from behind and buried himself deep. His hand returned to your swollen belly and his lips to your neck. He whispered his adoration into your flesh, thrusting until you both spilled over. He pulled out, his cum trickling out down your thighs as he pulled you over so you rested on your other side and faced him. His lips caught yours again in languid and loving kisses, his fingers entwined in yours. You’d lost count of how many times you’d fucked him, but he eased the pain in your heart when he doted on you like this._

_“You’re magnificent,” he smiled, gazing into your eyes, “and I’m sure the baby will be too.” You felt taken aback by the statement, knowing that the only way the baby would turn out that way was by being in Leo and Inspector’s care. His smile widened as he pulled back and turned to reach for the night stand. When he turned back, he caught your hand again and brought it between you._

_“I got you something,” he murmured, producing a ring with a large canary diamond. He slid it onto your right ring finger and turned your hand so he could admire it._

_“Kris…” you weren’t sure how to react, the whole situation heavy with meaning. You’d hoped it would have been in private, but you weren’t expecting him to do it in bed, much less on your birthday. The ring easily costs tens of thousands of US dollars, adding even more weight to the proposal._

_“I love you,” he breathed out, bringing your hand up to kiss it._

_“You know I can’t return those words, Kris…”_

_“I don’t mind. The partnership we have is already great. But I think it could be even stronger if we made it official. I want to be by your side. I want to raise this baby with you,” he explained, lacing his fingers with yours._

_“You want to raise my baby?” you asked, voice trembling in shock at the words._

_“The problem was that you couldn’t raise the kid alone, right? Then I’ll claim the child as mine. We can raise it together,” he proposed. You bit your lip, clenching his fist tighter as your gaze dropped to your stomach. The problem wasn’t just that—the father was a traitor and raising him alone would make you more vulnerable—but Kris’s offer countered both problems. It was tempting, truly and powerfully tempting. But you couldn’t just accept it without thinking it over and consulting the others._

_“I… I-I…Can I have some time to think it over?” you finally managed. He squeezed your hand and kissed your forehead._

_“Take your time. And don’t worry about rejecting me, it won’t change anything about our current relationship.”_

_“Thank you,” you murmured._

_“We should get ready,” he said, pulling away and rolling off the bed. “We need to get you a new dress to match the ring for the party tonight.” You pushed yourself up and watched his back as he headed towards the shower. A large chinese dragon snaked around his back and down around his thigh, marred by a few carefully placed welts from a switch and your nails._

_“Party?” He turned back and smiled._

_“Just a small one with the executive members,” he smirked mischievously at you. “Maybe afterwards we can pull out the ropes?”_

-.-.-.-.-

_Leo carefully inspected the ring on your finger, gently tilting your hand side to side in order to catch the light. Satisfied, he released your hand and met your eyes with a heavy sigh._

_“Are you going to say yes?” he asked. You looked away, biting your lip in thought._

_“I don’t know.”_

_“It would be good for our alliance… There’d be a lot of advantages.”_

_“And I can think of half a dozen reasons not to accept. But he purposely designed the proposal to make it difficult to refuse,” you sighed. “He offered to claim the baby and raise it. He’s serious.”_

_“He loves you. It’s obvious.” You snapped your gaze back up to Leo’s._

_“So you’re telling me to marry him?”_

_“I’m not, but he makes you happy,” Leo stated matter of factly._

_“This is about so much more than my happiness, Leo. It’s about the wellbeing of VIXX as a whole. What’ll happen to VIXX if Kris and I get married? I have to consider everything,” you said, beginning to pace the office._

_“I know that, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think about your happiness.”_

_“Would I really be more happy accepting his offer? I can’t just leave my duties behind in Korea forever. And Kris has his responsibilities here,” you countered. “We’d be apart so much I wonder if it’d even be worth while as anything but a political tie.”_

_“The way VIXX is operated would have to be changed, as well,” Leo added._

_“I’m afraid that he might really just be after VIXX. If EXO absorbed us…”_

_“I don’t think he’s as cold as that. He really does seem to adore you.” You shook your head in disbelief._

_“I don’t see why,” you mumbled. The only thing attractive about you was your face and your power. Your relationships with most men could be boiled down to those two things. “And the baby… I… I don’t want to give the baby up, but I really do feel like you would do a better job at raising my child.”_

_“He’s giving you an opportunity to raise your child without worry. You shouldn’t dismiss it,” Leo pressed._

_“The moment we agreed to this, this baby became yours just as much as mine. We promised and I’m not gonna break my end of the deal.”_

_“But your happiness is important too.” Leo’s words were firm._

_“I shouldn’t be a mother…” you insisted, shaking your head and coming to a halt. “Besides, Birdie can’t–”_

_“Don’t go there,” he warned, voice dark. He inched closer to you, eyes growing just as dark as his tone of voice._

_“She can’t carry a baby to term, Leo,” you continued anyway._

_“Shut up,” he growled. You flinched at his harsh tone, not expecting that reaction. “I never intended for anyone to know that information besides Birdie and me.”_

_“That’s something you_ should _have told me,” you pressed. When Birdie had told you on the plane, you’d been both hurt and shocked. Trying and failing at conceiving carried a much different weight than a miscarriage. Leo hadn’t allowed you to be there for him at all._

_“Like you told me you were pregnant?” he bit back, tone still rough and angry._

_“Excuse me for wanting to tell the father first!” you lashed out. You’d never intended to keep that news from him, but things had gotten complicated. “You were the second person I wanted to tell!”_

_“We have our own private lives. I don’t have to tell you everything, just like you don’t tell me everything.” His voice was stern. He was drawing a line._

_“So you weren’t going to tell me something as important as that? Something that could have endangered us both?” you retaliated. “You told me I was acting childish and selfish yet look at you.”_

_“It hurt. It hurt so much,” he bit out, voice breaking and tears welling in his eyes. He got closer to you, demeanor hurt and aggressive. “We’d tried so hard, were so careful, and still lost them. Don’t make light of our pain. Don’t use it to insult Birdie.”_

_“Leo, you shouldn’t have faced it alone. You should have told me.” You reached out to touch him, but he avoided your hand._

_“You wouldn’t have understood,” he growled. You reeled back, the words hitting hard. You opened your mouth to deny the accusation but the words wouldn’t come. He really thought so little of your ability to sympathize? You attempted to speak again, but tears spilled out instead. You quickly turned away, putting more distance between you. The tears were completely unwanted, but you couldn’t stop them, your emotions fluxing out of your control. You wanted to tell him how much that accusation hurt. To tell him you were human too and that you would have understood, but it was worthless._

_“F-fine,” you finally managed through the tears, deciding it was more important to salvage what little trust you could. “I won’t bring it up again.” There was heavy silence._

_“Thank you,” he finally spoke, words soft and the anger gone. You sank down as the silence returned, hands coming to your stomach, still unable to stop the tears. His words still hurt._

_“Even if I say yes, you should take the baby,” you mumbled through your tears, breaking the silence._

_“I can’t do that to you.” Leo crouched down beside you and placed his arm around your shoulder._

_“Don’t touch me,” you sobbed, shrugging away from him._

_“Don’t push me away,” he scolded, catching you again and pulling you close. He struck a nerve and you shoved him away._

_“Don’t tell me not to push you away when you’ve just done that to me!” you yelled. “Just go! This baby is yours. I won’t change my mind on that.”_

_“I’m not leaving things like this,” he insisted, pulling you close again and hugging you tight despite your continued struggling._

_“Just_ go _! You already think I’m some heartless person who can’t understand human emotions, you should just take the baby and spare it the pain of having a mother like me,” you hissed through your tears, wiggling to get free and pushing against his chest. He squeezed you tighter._

_“You’re not heartless,” he frowned. “What gave you that idea?” You stopped struggling, his strength overpowering you and the baby too big to maneuver well enough to escape._

_“You just said I wouldn’t have been able to understand,” you sniffled. “And Birdie’s accused me of not being capable of emotion as well.” Leo stiffened. After several long moments he sighed and rested his head on your shoulder._

_“I’m sorry,” he murmured, bringing his hand up to stroke your hair. “I wouldn’t be here if you were. You wouldn’t be so concerned for the baby either.”_

_“You’re drifting away from me lately,” you mumbled. “We don’t understand each other like we used to.”_

_“I didn’t mean to make you feel like that.” He dropped his other hand to yours on your stomach. “I’m just trying to make everyone happy and its hard.”_

_“And I’m trying to do what’s best for everyone. But I’m scared of losing you. You’re the only family I have left.”_

_“You’re still important to me. And all of VIXX is your family.”_

_“Right…”_

_“If you marry Kris, you’re keeping the baby. Birdie and I will be fine. We’ll find another way. Kris would be a good father.”_

_“Alright…”_

_“You deserve to be happy.” You nodded, snuggling deeper into his arms even though you knew you likely had to sacrifice your happiness. So you’d cling to it while you could. You’d live the last of the dream out while you could._

            -.-.-.-.-

The door was locked and curtain on the peep window closed. Hyuk had crawled onto the foot of your bed, puppy eyes begging for praise. You sat half reclined in the bed as Hyuk pressed his fingers into your foot. His eyes were focused on your feet, watching them as if they were delicious morsels. You closed your eyes, relaxing into his touch. As much as you hated to admit it, you needed some physical attention. Hyuk had been the only person daring enough to ask if it was ok to touch you, so you let him.

“Does it feel good?” he asked, increasing the pressure on the ball of your foot. You hummed half heartedly. “It must be rough sitting in bed all day…”

“It’s annoying as hell,” you groaned, letting your head fall to the side.

“HQ’s too rowdy with you gone.”

“Tell Ravi to slap the loud ones around a bit ‘til they quiet down.”

“He’s not around a lot, ma’am. Things are really busy lately…”

“Block B?” Hyuk paused in his motions and slid his hand up until he could thread his fingers into your toes.

“I guess maybe it doesn’t affect most of the members but Ravi’s been out a lot, and Catcher has Ken running all over to set up equipment and sometimes he drags me along,” he murmured, stretching your foot back so your toes were pointed towards your face. He ghosted a finger down the sole of your foot, and you resisted the urge to flinch back from ticklishness.

“Careful of your loose lips, little Rat,” you teased groggily as you relaxed into his touch. His fingers between your toes tensed and gripped you tighter.

“Catcher already tried to trip me down the stairs when I kept begging Ken to let me have time off to come see you… I don’t think I can make it much worse at this point…” Hyuk mumbled, tone almost fearful. You laughed, cracking an eye open to see his dejected look. He pouted at your reaction and detangled his fingers from your foot. He placed it gently on the bed and switched to the other foot. “She said she’d give me a real reason to visit the hospital…”

You laughed harder, stomach tensing and pulling on the bullet wound. You gripped at your stomach, putting pressure on the wound as you tried to calm your laughter. You both fell into silence, Hyuk pouting cutely as his fingers worked your foot. He shifted on the bed and tugged your foot a little higher. You dropped your eyes to where his suit pants were tenting. He’d gained self control, it seemed.

“It’s good your healing,” he mumbled. The brat talked too much and if he kept doing what he wanted, you’d get the urge to do things you weren’t healthy enough for.

“That’s enough,” you sighed. He froze and looked up at you, eyes begging you not to cut his time with you short. “Go take care of yourself in the bathroom before you leave.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he pouted, gently setting your foot on the bed and making his way off. He headed for the attached bathroom, closing the door behind him. You sighed again, reaching for the bed controls. You were suddenly feeling antisocial and exhausted. You wanted someone to sleep by your side, but you wouldn’t tell Hyuk that, or anyone else. You lowered the head of the bed down and pulled the covers over you, cocooning yourself as you drifted to sleep.

-.-.-.-.-

Hongbin had taken you to the small open area behind the clinic to work on your range of motion exercises, taking time out of his schedule to personally gauge your progress. The area wasn’t ideal for physical therapy of any sort, and in fact overlooked the parking lot in back that VIXX members used when they had questionable injuries, but you were going crazy inside. The air was rejuvenating and did a lot to lift your spirits.

As you’d walked around the small lot, Hongbin chattered. The upcoming political elections (you had a mildly vested interest in those, but only because EXO would be pulling strings), the latest TV shows he’d been watching, the pictures he’d taken last weekend. You tuned him out after a while until he came up behind you and grabbed your uninjured shoulder. Your reflexes got the best of you and you lashed out at him, wounds screaming in pain as you landed a punch to his stomach. He moved only slightly, abdominals braced for your punch.

“Your arm works,” he grumbled, letting you go. “And so do your reflexes. But you’re definitely slower and weaker than before.

“What do you expect when you’ve kept me here for three and a half weeks?” you snarled. You shook your hand out. Hongbin’s abs were harder than you were expecting.

“Providing you didn’t reopen the wounds just now, you can go back to HQ next week, but I’ll still need to check up on you frequently,” he countered. “Now let me check the wounds.” You grumbled as he stepped forward and unfastened the top buttons on the pajamas Ravi had delivered to the clinic. He pushed the collar to the side and pressed on your shoulder wound through the bandages. The corner of your eye twitched at the pain.

“You know, you may not get back full range of motion in this arm,” he warned, voice deep and serious. “I didn’t want to tell you earlier, because the chance was small from where the bullet hit, but…” You looked him directly in the eye, expression serious.

“I’m going to get full range of motion back.” Even if it felt like it’d kill you.

“Right,” Hongbin swallowed, nodding quickly and seeming to shrink back. He pulled his hands away and switched to the other side, tugging the collar down and to the side. He pressed just at the top of your breast, making sure the bandages wouldn’t turn red. You clenched your jaw, relieved when he quickly moved away. He softened his knees and crouched down, lifting your shirt as you redid your buttons. He carefully palpated around your stomach wound and you couldn’t stop the small sharp breath through your nose. He pulled away, satisfied.

“Be honest with me. How much does it hurt? On a scale of one to ten, how much does it hurt?” You sighed, crossing your arms over your chest. The initial wounds had been as bad as childbirth when the pain had finally hit you mid-car ride to Hongbin’s, but the current pain wasn’t something you felt like you couldn’t handle.

“Maybe a six?” you replied, looking away from him.

“And you’re walking around?” he asked in disbelief.

“I’ve learned to deal with a lot.”

“No _wonder_ you’re so easily tired out. You should have _told_ us if your pain medications were too weak,” he scolded you.

“The pain isn’t bad unless I’m up and moving around, or I’m dealing with idiots,” you explained. “Usually a three or four.”

“You still should have told us. You probably could have gone home this week if you weren’t so obstinate. I knew you were in pain, but not that much.” He sighed frustratedly and turned around, lifting his hand to cover his eyes as he tried to control himself. “I’m going to increase the dosage of Oxycodone.” You wanted to say that the pain really wasn’t that bad–that you often lost yourself to sleep or depression and it curbed the pain, but you couldn’t bring yourself to. So you remained silent until he took a deep breath and turned around.

“How’s the movement in your arm?” You rolled your shoulder and lifted your arm up, wincing as you pushed it to go as far as it comfortably could go. He shook his head. “Let’s go back inside.” You nodded and made your way over to your wheelchair, easing yourself down. Hongbin pushed you back inside. “It’s going to be humid and rainy tonight, so don’t be surprised if you ache more than usual,” Hongbin explained, wheeling you down the hallway. When he rounded the corner to get to your room, you could make out a head of red hair. Catcher. You frowned. She wouldn’t come see you willingly.

“Catch darling, what’s up?” Hongbin asked, tone friendly and chipper.

“Physical therapy?” she asked, looking at you. She seemed antsy, though she was trying to hide it.

“Something like that,” you mumbled.

“Ravi’ll be here soon,” she said shortly, turning and entering your room. Hongbin sighed and pushed you inside after her, taking you near to your bed. You pushed yourself up slowly and walked the few steps to the bed, easing yourself down as your tired muscles fussed at you.

“You’re walking freestanding now?” she asked, slightly surprised.

“More than I could last time you were here,” you said dismissively.

“So you’ll be leaving the clinic soon?”

“Not until next week,” Hongbin answered. “Providing she doesn’t do something stupid again.” You glared over at Hongbin, knowing he meant the painkiller dosage.

“Again?” Catcher’s interest was piqued, and you could almost feel her eagerness to hear a story about you fucking up.

“It’s nothing,” you insisted.

“Now I really want to know,” she said, glee tinting her voice.

“Drop it,” you hissed, pulling your feet up on the bed.

“You’re no fun,” she pouted, crossing her arms and glaring at you. You glared right back.

“Catch darling, you should drop by my office for tea sometime,” Hongbin piped up, trying to break the tension. He knew as well as anyone else that you would dissolve into bickering if left to your own devices. “It’s been a while since we got a chance to talk.” Catcher softened at Hongbin’s suggestion and turned to face him.

“If I can get some time,” she agreed.

“Great. I just got some cherry green tea in from Japan,” Hongbin said, smiling.

“Are you bribing me?” she asked suspiciously, narrowing her eye ever so slightly at him.

“I wouldn’t dare,” Hongbin teased, smile growing. A phone went off and Hongbin reached for his pocket, smile falling from his face. “Well damn. Seems the nurses are desperate enough to call…”

“Thank you, Hongbin,” you murmured, looking up at him. He caught your eyes, brows knit in confusion. With a small nod, he started moving for the door, leaving the wheelchair behind.

“I’ll check in later,” he said to you, then turned to Catcher, expression softening again. “And I’ll be expecting you sometime?” She nodded and Hongbin broke into grin, waving as he left. Catcher’s demeanor almost instantly became more on edge, her hands fidgeting as the wheels in her head spun.

“You wouldn’t come unless you have a good reason,” you addressed her, breaking the silence. Her eyes snapped up to yours, serious and controlled.

“We’re waiting for Ravi,” she insisted, tone even. Her hand slid into her pocket and she pulled out a small screen. Sinking down into the bedside chair, she absorbed herself in the device, tapping something on the screen. You sighed in frustration, beating your head back into the pillow. If she’d called Ravi, whatever it was she had to tell had to be heavy. But your curiosity couldn’t fight the fatigue you felt from your physical activity earlier and you began to nod off while waiting.

“Catch darling, could you _please_ stop texting me now? I’m here already,” Ravi’s deep voice broke the air. Startled, your eyes snapped opened. Ravi stood at the door, suit jacket open and tie missing, hair styled up and side swept to reveal his forehead. It wasn’t unusual to see him in such a state, especially lately. He was a person weak to sleep and bags were forming under his eyes. It was an odd hour for him to be awake, your erratic schedule, combined with whatever other trouble was happening, must have been throwing him off kilter.

“Took you long enough,” she frowned, hopping to her feet. The screen went back in her pocket.

“So what’s up?” Ravi asked, closing and locking the door.

“You’re not going to like this.” Everything about her was serious, and she seemed somewhat nervous.

“Well? What is it? That you had to call Ravi all the way out here?” you asked. She tensed and sunk back down into the chair. Ravi left the door and sat on the foot of your bed.

“Since the trouble with NU’EST and BTS a couple years ago, we’ve been kicked into high gear and haven’t relaxed at all,” she started. “Seems like N made crippling NU’EST a personal project.”

“That’s nothing new. He’s been doing that since Leader-nim went to China,” Ravi interrupted. Catcher glared at him and continued immediately.

“He’s rather aggressively buying up properties that go up for sale, taking over properties by force, and using his connections to make life for anyone on our borders not associated with VIXX very difficult. It’s safe to say a good portion of our growth over the last couple of years is thanks to his doggedness.”

“And this is supposed to make me unhappy?” you questioned skeptically. “At least the little bitch is making himself useful.” As much as you hated to admit it. Catcher glared at you.

“I’m not done yet, _oh Leader_ ,” she snarled. You narrowed your eyes at her, and she sat back, trying to not look intimidated.

“Then by all means continue,” you growled.

“Seems like NU’EST has gotten tired of dealing with us. They’re not protecting their border with us very well, instead focusing on expanding elsewhere. And it seems Block B has taken an interest in the areas they’re practically letting go. Seems Block B’s also encroaching on BTS,” she continued.

“You still keep tabs on them?” Ravi asked, eyebrow raised.

“ ‘S not my fault Jin hasn’t found the bugs yet, though I won’t be surprised if the batteries die soon,” Catcher shrugged. “Besides, they provide good intell.” Ravi sighed, rolling his eyes. “Anyway,” she refocused, looking you in the eye. “N’s moved into some rather strategic points along both borders. From the recent map of our and Block B’s borders that I made, I think N got a little close to their borders. Word on the street is that VIXX is getting greedy, but so is Block B. They were interested in some of those areas, and N swiped them right from under their noses. Really ingenious actually, though a little sloppy. I commend his–”

“ _Catcher_ ,” you growled. She froze, eye widening as she looked at you. “Are you telling me they tried to kill me because N _fucked up_ again?” She stayed quiet, the wheels in her head turning.

“I’m telling you why Block B likely attacked us,” she finally said as calmly and evenly as possible. “And N just happened to be connected.”

“The fucking idiot,” you hissed under your breath, feeling your blood boil. “How sure are you that this is the reason?” you growled.

“It’s the most logical one based on what I could find out,” she bit back, bristling.

“And _how_ certain is that?”

“ _Nothing_ is certain when it comes to Block B,” Catcher hissed at you.

“Then _why_ are you telling me things when you aren’t even certain?” Catcher growled, standing up.

“Because _last time_ I didn’t, you fucking _cut my eye out_ ,” she screeched. You sat up, turning towards her and ignoring the way the action tugged at your stomach wound.

“The circumstances were _completely_ different then,” you hissed.

“Whoa, whoa,” Ravi said, getting between you two. He had extended his arms as if that’d stop you from getting into a physical fight, eyes darting back and forth between you.  “Let’s not get off track here.”

“Well if our _great and mighty_ Leader wasn’t being so stupid we wouldn’t have,” Catcher fired.

“Catcher, that’s _enough_ ,” Ravi warned, facing her completely and getting closer to her.

“The way you’re acting, you sound like you wish I’d died,” you sneered.

“Sometimes I kinda do,” she hissed. Your heart froze and your breath stopped, your mask breaking. Catcher seemed to realize what she’d just said, eye widening and fear taking over her expression. Ravi growled and shoved her back into the bedside chair, breaking your eye contact with her.

“Care to repeat that?” he snarled, gripping her collar and getting in her face. You pulled yourself together, sliding a new mask on as you looked away. You swallowed, taking in a deep breath through your nose.

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, Catcher,” you murmured, voice numbed and emotionless. The words drew a confused noise from Ravi. You glanced at him from the corner of your eyes. “Meaningless words said in the heat of an argument to get a rise out of each other, that’s all it was.” But you knew that they weren’t completely meaningless. Catcher had a lot of reasons to dislike you beyond your clashing personalities. You shouldn’t have baited her, though you hadn’t been able to resist yourself. Ravi released her, scoffing as he stepped back. You looked back at your sheets, turning your emotions off as best you could as you clenched the blankets in your hands.

“So getting back on track,” Ravi sighed. “You were saying nothing is certain with Block B?”

“I-I–…. uhm,” Catcher stuttered for a moment before falling silent for a few seconds. “They’re very hard to track. Their border fluctuates greatly on a day to day basis, and it’s hard to tell where they’re actively squatting,” she finally said, tone back to business. “And informants that talk more than once have a tendency to turn up dead. I’ve had to keep finding new ones and Ken had to set up equipment on half our border to even get a good idea of where they’re moving. They make _no sense_.” She sighed frustratedly. “I just want to strangle those little bastards and tell them to be _normal_.”

“They kill the rumor mill?” Ravi asked with an aggravated sigh.

“Well, ‘s not like we don’t either,” Catcher grumbled. “But it’s to the point that if it weren’t for their recent targeted attacks, I wouldn’t have caught wind of what they were up to.”

“Targeted attacks?” you asked, the words catching your attention. Ravi stiffened.

“You didn’t tell her?” Catcher asked skeptically, voice rising in anger.

“I didn’t want to stress you out anymore than you already were,” Ravi explained weakly, turning to look at you. You narrowed your eyes at him.

“This is exactly why I don’t like going to you, you imbecile,” Catcher hissed, standing up and beating Ravi on the back.

“What _targeted attacks_?” you demanded. Ravi sighed, squeezing his eyes shut as he turned away from you.

“Two days ago one of our border properties was ransacked and set on fire,” Ravi explained.

“And the day before that, another place was graffitied with obscene pictures,” Catcher chimed in. “Both were properties that N acquired within the last three months.”

“That fucking imbecile,” you hissed, turning away and lifting your hand to your forehead. First he’d stabbed you in the back and now he’d gotten you shot.

“After I realized that both of the places that were attacked were N’s, I started matching up the areas he’d acquired with the areas Block B seems to be moving in. There’s quite a bit of overlap…” Catcher continued.

“I swear to _fucking god,_ Ravi, if you don’t inform me of important shit again, I’ll take your balls. You may be acting leader, but I’m _still_ alive.” Ravi swallowed, shirking back. “Now go get that bastard N and bring him here.”

“Yes, Leader-nim,” he nodded, face contorting with frustration as he turned to leave.

“Fucking idiots, all of them,” you hissed, sinking into the bed and pulling the covers up to your neck to cocoon yourself. Everything was overwhelming and infuriating, making you feel even more weak and vulnerable.

“I agree,” Catcher said, voice tense. She turned to you and looked you straight in the eye. “Don’t ever die and leave that idiot in charge.”

“I don’t plan on it,” you grumbled, slightly put at ease by the comment.

“I…” she paused as she tried to find the right words, “should go too.” You nodded, turning away as she left.

-.-.-.-.-

The door to your room flew open and a distinctive red head was hustled in. Ravi tossed him to the ground, a few feet from your bed. He stayed there, unmoving and waiting for judgement. You felt your blood boil upon seeing him, Catcher’s words ringing in your ears. You pushed yourself up in your bed and swung your feet over the edge, but didn’t stand. Ravi closed the door behind him, locking it so you wouldn’t be disturbed. His expression was dark and angry.

“So what do you have to say for yourself?” you asked, voice cold.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, voice trembling.

“You think I could fucking hear that? What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I’m sorry!” he shouted, hands clenching into fists on the ground.

“You just can’t keep your fucking ass out of trouble can you?” you yelled. His head snapped up, terrified eyes meeting yours. His lip was busted and his face was starting to swell up. Ravi had already roughed him up quite a bit from the looks of it.

“It was an honest mistake. I miscalculated and–”

“Just like last time?” you interrupted him. He quieted, eyes growing more fearful by the second.

“I hadn’t realized I grabbed property that Block B had its eye on,” he explained as calmly as he could.

“You almost got Leader-nim killed,” Ravi growled.

“It’s my fault,” N admitted, voice and body trembling. He looked as if he was about to cry. “I take full responsibility for it but–” He crawled towards you, daring to take your leg into his arms and hug it to his body. “Honey, you have to believe me, it was a mistake. A stupid mistake, I’ve been trying to redeem myself and–”

“I’m _not_ your _Honey_ ,” you hissed, bringing your other foot up to his shoulder and attempting to kick him off. But you were too weak and the effort agitated your stomach wound. “Get your _fucking_ hands off me.”

“Leader-nim, please believe me, you’re my everything, I–” You leaned down and fisted his hair, slamming his head into the lowered metal railing between your legs. The wounds on your stomach and shoulder screamed, but you pulled his head back and slammed it against the railings again. Ravi wrenched N away and tossed him several feet back, positioning himself just to your side and between you and N.

“We’re _over_ , N. It’s been more than two years,” you spat. Blood trickled down his forehead where it’d slammed into the railing. His breathing was heavy and he looked as if he were about to cry.

“Everything I’ve done the last two and a half years has been for _you,_ ” he murmured, barely keeping himself in check.

“Maybe you should fix your motives, N. You should be working for the good of VIXX. The woman you’re chasing after is dead,” you bit out, voice even but ice cold. Ravi bristled at the words but didn’t move. Seeing N was painful and having him at your feet groveling brought up memories you wanted to forget. Had it been before everything, you would have dragged him to an interrogation room and chained him to a wall, whipped him good and fucked him. But that time in your life was over now. His moans mixed with Lee Jiyeon’s haunted your memory and made you sick.

“As far as VIXX goes, you’re forgiven,” Ravi interrupted. “You’ve brought a lot of success to the group by obtaining those properties and recruiting for the ranks, but your little mistake can’t go unpunished. The fact of the matter is that Leader-nim was almost killed. Stop your damned side activities until everything blows over.” N remained silent. You’d had enough of everything. You pulled your legs back up onto the bed and settled back down, lying your arm over your stomach wound.

“Is there anything I can do to help with the situation?” N asked, pulling himself together. His voice still trembled but he’d reeled his emotions back in.

“Focus on your normal activities and keep your girls safe,” Ravi instructed. You scoffed, rolling your eyes at Ravi’s instructions. His back stiffened.

“Put your web out,” you instructed. They both turned to look at you, N’s eyes wide and Ravi’s expression confused. “Bait anyone that might be able to provide useful information and send them to Catcher. She could use the help and you’re more of a people person than she is. You might as well put that saccharine tongue of yours to use on your extensive network of contacts.” N frowned, nodding his head as he searched your eyes. You hardened your gaze and he averted his eyes. “Other than that, refocus on your own industries and make sure our sex workers are well protected, especially those in the areas you’ve acquired within the last six or so months. If Block B decides to go after any hotels, brothels or studios it’ll be messy.”

“Yes, Leader-nim,” N nodded.

“You’re dismissed,” you said evenly. N bowed and quickly left, leaving you alone with Ravi.

“Don’t let your anger with a person blind you to their capabilities,” you scolded Ravi, though you knew you needed to listen to your own advice more. Ravi sighed.

“Isn’t trolling the rumor mill part of his normal activities?” Ravi asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Not directly. He builds connections, an awful lot of them with people not associated with one gang or another. Information is just often times an added bonus,” you sighed. He was skilled at wooing, as much as it hurt to admit.

“I didn’t realize,” Ravi sighed. “I’ve never been quite sure of everything he does. I like to keep my nose out of that side of the business…”

“He sells sex,” you grumbled, the corner of your mouth tugging up bitterly. “Sex and dreams. It just so happens he can give people nightmares too, when he wants to.” You fell silent, thinking of the web he’d caught you in, of his sweet pillow talk and how he talked to the women in the tapes. Ravi brushed his hand across your cheek, startling you.

“It’s scary when you look like that,” he murmured. You hardened your shell and glared up at him, scared that too much was showing through.

“Like what?” you snarled.

“Like–” he paused under your glare. “Like you’re empty. I’m worried.”

“It’s just being cooped up in the hospital getting to me. I’ll be fine,” you dismissed.

“But–”

“Don’t you have things to do?” you interrupted him. He frowned, brows knitting together as his eyes bore into you.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, fine, but I’m here if you ever do,” Ravi sighed in frustration. He turned and left, closing the door behind him. You clenched the sheets in your hands, eyes unfocusing as you thought about his words. He noticed. And he certainly wasn’t the only one. Maybe your masks weren’t as good as you thought they were.

-.-.-.-.-

You closed the door to Hongbin’s office behind you, ignoring the glare he was giving you. Slowly, you made your way to the wooden chair in front of his desk and sank down.

“I’m glad you’re up walking around, but you came here of all places? I hope you’re not expecting me to reward you for the effort,” Hongbin teased, seeming slightly annoyed that you couldn’t wait for him to make his rounds and drop by your room himself.

“Am I easy to read?” you asked, ignoring his prior words and looking up at him with serious eyes. He immediately straightened in his chair, features softening as he searched your eyes with his own.

“Not normally, no. Though it’s been obvious since you’ve been here that you’ve been miserable. You’ve never been one to just sit still, especially when tensions with another group are this high.”

“VIXX is all I have,” you mumbled, dropping your gaze to his desk. He was silent for a moment, caught off guard by the subject change.

“Didn’t you do that to yourself?” he asked, voice tinged with bitterness. His words cut. He knew. He knew all about your pregnancy and leaving Leo behind with the baby. Leo had wrangled you in for a checkup during the eighth week, insisting you get proper care for everyone’s peace of mind. Hongbin had been pissed that you hadn’t gone to see him at all before that point and the plan for Leo to take the baby never sat quite right with him.

“I… I’ve become a shell.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Not when it means I can get my job done… It’s what’s expected of me, right?”

There was a long, thick silence that neither of you dared break. You couldn’t bare to look back up at Hongbin, the wounds from his words too much.

“Idiot,” Hongbin sighed after several long and tense moments. “VIXX is all I have too, you know,” he admitted. “You’ll be out of here soon, and things will slowly go back to normal and you’ll stop feeling like this.”

“Normal, huh?” The answer sat uneasily in your mind. You didn’t know what you were looking for approaching Hongbin like this, but that didn’t seem to be it. What was normal? Lately normal was sleeping pills and resisting the urge to drink until you couldn’t hear Lee Jiyeon’s moans or your baby’s cry.

“Normal,” he reaffirmed. You nodded and stood, limbs and mind heavy.

“Thank you, Hongbin,” you murmured, turning towards the door.

“Leader-nim.” You paused, hand hovering over the doorknob. “VIXX isn’t just a gang. We’re a family.” A small smile tugged at the corner of your mouth. That hit more at home.

“A mighty fucked up family,” you replied. He laughed, deep and hardy.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

-.-.-.-.-

_There was a knock on your door, but you didn’t get up to answer, still in shock over the news of your father’s assassination. The door opened slowly and a black head of hair popped in. When you didn’t move, he opened the door more fully and and entered, closing the door behind him and not leaving the door. You looked up at N from where you sat on your bed._

_“I heard what happened,” he murmured. “How are you holding up?” You just shook your head, not ready to talk just quite yet. Sympathy washed over his face and he left the door to sit beside you. He took your hand in his and squeezed it tight as he pressed his side to yours._

_N had just moved back to HQ a few weeks before, supposedly to keep him out of too much trouble in the Red Light district that his mother and father ran. He’d somehow managed to get involved in a porno film, and his enraged mother had sent him back to HQ so his chances of repeating such things went down until he turned eighteen in two years; his three older sisters had married normal men or were managing hotels and were unwilling to take him. Ken’s father had taken him in in the mean time, leaving him with three rowdy teenage boys._

_“You don’t have to talk,” he murmured resting his head on your shoulder. You stayed quiet, squeezing his hand._

_“It’s weird,” you said after what felt like an eternity. “It hurts, but not as much as I thought it would.” N brought his other hand to yours but remained quiet. “I feel numb, but maybe it just hasn’t hit me yet…”_

_“Everyone mourns differently,” he reassured you._

_“I’ve always had a lot of anger towards him,” you continued. “After Mom died and we moved away, it was like the Dad I knew disappeared. Maybe if we’d stayed in HQ it would have been better. I wouldn’t have been alone. I could have gotten away or maybe someone would have stopped him…” N released your hand and pulled you into a hug. “But things weren’t that bad after he started me running errands after school, just lonely, you know? And when I brought Leo back, he_ did _let him stay.”_

_“You know, Leo’s sitting outside like a lost little puppy. Bloodshot eyes and messy hair. I think he’s just as shocked as you.”_

_“Because Leo’s his errand boy.” Your dad had beaten you the night you’d brought Leo home almost two years ago, thinking you’d brought home a boyfriend and were getting yourself into trouble with such a mangy looking, crashing kid. But trouble was a relative term in a family like yours; trouble was petty crime and drugs, and taking what you sold wasn’t allowed. You’d eventually convinced him that he was actually an errant client whose potential was wasted on the streets and Leo was brought into the fold–first as a guard dog at home as he got cleaned up and then as an errand boy when you moved back into HQ. Of course your father’s death would hit Leo hard as well._

_“You know you’re not alone, right?” N murmured into your hair. “That we’re all family, right?”_

_“I know.”_

_“We’re here for you if you need anything.” You nodded, clinging onto him tighter. The words meant a lot from him, your childhood friend and current crush. He’d always been in and out of HQ, tossed between his parents and sisters, so that brotherly bond that had formed with Ken hadn’t happened with N._

_“Thank you.” He pulled back slightly and brushed the hair from your face. A quick peck on your forehead and he’d pulled you back down so your head rested on his shoulder. You stayed like that for several long moments before pulling away. “I should let Leo in.” He nodded as you stood and went to the door. No sooner than you had opened it were wide, bloodshot eyes staring up at you. Leo stood but didn’t move any further, eyes lost and unsure. He was starting to shoot up and was slightly taller than you now, but still every bit as lanky as when you picked him up, his weight and muscle unable to keep up with his growth spurts._

_“Idiot, don’t suffer alone,” you scolded. He immediately stepped forward and hugged you, head buried in your shoulder. You brought your hands to his back as he started to shudder with tears, one hand sliding up to stroke his hair as you bit your lip and tried not to break down as well. N hugged you from behind, grip tight on your waist, and it hit you like a train. Your father was dead._


	2. Ashes ~Part 1

“Are you ready?” Hongbin asked, coming behind the wheelchair.

“This day couldn’t come fast enough,” you grumbled, clutching the bag of clothes in your lap. After four and a half weeks, Hongbin had finally declared you well enough to return to HQ.

“I agree,” Hongbin hummed, pushing you forward. His long legs pushed you down the hallway quickly, taking you to the back entrance. A car waited outside and he waited for you to hobble inside before going to the driver’s side. He striped off his doctor’s coat and threw it into the passenger seat before getting behind the wheel.

“You’re taking me?” you asked, caught off guard. Hongbin turned around in his seat to look at you, a grin spreading across his lips.

“I’ve worked my ass off, so I thought I’d take the rest of the day off and visit with the others,” he explained.

“Do whatever you want,” you sighed, relaxing back into the seat. Hongbin turned the ignition and switched the radio on before turning into traffic. The minutes long trip was silent save for the radio and Hongbin’s occasional humming to the music. The behavior reminded you of Leo on the late nights when tensions were low and you were drunk from entertaining allies and important contacts–the way he’d sing broken English while driving through the light traffic when he thought you were too far gone to care. When things were settled with Block B, you’d have to visit them in China.

Hongbin parked and you waited for him to open the door and help you out. He paused to get his leather jacket from the passenger’s seat, then followed you to the door, carrying your bag of clothing.

When the front door opened, you were met by the sound of merry conversation coming from the common room. You sighed, slipping off your shoes as you entered the main hallway. You didn’t have the energy to deal with whoever they were and made to just pass by the room and go straight to the stairs.

“Aren’t you going to say hello?” Hongbin called after you.

“Forget them,” you grumbled. “I just want to see how much damage Ravi did to my office.”

“I didn’t touch much,” Ravi’s deep voice caught you off guard. You froze mid-step and spun around to look at him, brow raised.

“You’re not out?” you asked, about ready to go off at him for shirking his duties. He smirked.

“Welcome back.” He pulled you into a hug with a grin, but you wouldn’t have it and pushed him away.

“Don’t touch me, idiot,” you scolded.

“Why don’t you join us, Leader-nim?” he asked, motioning to the common room. You looked over his shoulder into the room. Almost all ranking members and those that lived in HQ had huddled into the room. Your expression melted into confusion. You didn’t know how to feel at the gathering and just wanted to crawl away to hide in your office to work.

“Leader-nim~” Ken called out, standing up and crossing to you, practically skipping in his excitement. He pulled you into a tight hug, careful to avoid your wounds. Hesitantly, you brought your hands up and weakly returned the hug. You peered over his shoulder, suddenly feeling inappropriately dressed. Most were in their working clothes, fine suits and expensive casual clothing, children and Catcher aside. Ravi had brought you a simple loose t-shirt and fitted jeans to wear home. You silently cursed at him for the wardrobe choice. “Sorry I couldn’t come visit you at the clinic, but I had my hands full.”

“It’s fine. Probably better for my stomach that you didn’t come,” you murmured, still unsure of the entire situation. Ken squeezed you tighter, laughing sheepishly.

“I’m glad you’re back,” he said. You tightened your grip on him, averting your gaze from the people behind him.

“It’s good to be back.” He pulled away grinning, hand coming up to rest on your shoulder blade. Hongbin came around to your otherside with a dimpled grin, hand joining Ken’s on your back. Ravi moved around front, motioning towards an empty space on the couch and the two men at your back pushed you forward into the room.

They eased you down onto the couch and took their seats–Hongbin and Ken at your sides and Ravi across from you, effectively cutting off your escape route. Everything felt awkward and surreal. The time you’d spent in the hospital was nothing compared to the time you’d spent in China, but returning this time felt completely different. The reason you’d been gone held completely different weight. You’d almost died. Your reception when you’d returned from China was small–a private affair with Ravi, Ken, Hongbin, and a few top ranking EXO-K members. At the time you’d been in no condition for anything bigger and your integration back into normal life had been almost seamless.

But this time was different, you realized as you took in the relieved but tired faces in the room. You couldn’t just pick up as if nothing had happened. You were still recovering physically and everyone would look at you with different eyes even if you tried to pretend it was nothing. They’d almost lost their leader. Things weren’t settled with Block B either, and that kept tensions high. Everyone probably needed a reason to celebrate and relax. Leader is alive, Leader is back. All you could do was look around the room and sit quietly among the growing buzz of excitement, growing more uncomfortable with the reception by the second.

The children were released and booze was passed around. No sooner had a bottle of soju landed in your hand did Hongbin gently pry it from your fingers. You looked at him, brows knitting together, though you knew the move was well intentioned. You had a recent history of abusing the substance and the opiates in your system were good enough reasons to take your alcohol consumption out of your control.

“Too dangerous,” Hongbin murmured with an apologetic smile. “I don’t want to risk it even though the dose you’re on isn’t particularly strong.” You nodded as he stood up. “I’ll go get you something else to drink.” He placed the soju bottle on the coffee table and disappeared towards the kitchen. It would be awkward being one of the only completely sober adults in the room, and you honestly felt like drinking your worries away like the rest of them. Hongbin returned a few moments later with a glass of orange juice and offered it to you. “Virgin Screwdriver,” he said with a cheesey grin and you narrowed your eyes at him before taking it.

“Funny,” you said dryly as he sat back down. Ravi cleared his throat and the noise in the room died down.

“Not everyone is here, but the guest of honor is, so…” Ravi raised his glass in the air. “To Leader’s return! Cheers!” The sentiment was echoed throughout the room and everyone drank. You downed your glass of orange juice as Ken started a chant for meat, Catcher sliding up against his other side. Within moments, Hyuk and a few of the older kids carted out platters of chicken and beef and everyone dug in.

“You should eat too,” Hongbin encouraged, grabbing chopsticks and reaching for slice of beef.

“I need a refill,” you sighed, shaking your head slightly as you stood to go to the kitchen. Ken and Hongbin simultaneously pulled you back down. Ken plucked your glass from your hand and called out for Hyuk.

“Yes, Hyungnim?” Hyuk asked, rushing up and glancing at you from the corner of his eye. You could tell that he wanted to plant himself at your feet and cling onto your leg, but he was more or less an errand boy for the night. Probably Catcher’s doing, just to spite the boy since they still didn’t seem to get along, but he _was_ the most junior member in the room besides some of the teenagers.

“Go get Leader-nim some more orange juice,” Ken smiled, holding the glass out to his subordinate. Hyuk took the glass with a slight bow, glancing at you one more time before running off to the kitchen. Ken leaned forward and grabbed a slice of beef and held it out to you. You raised your eyebrow at him, taken aback by the gesture. “You should eat too. This is all meant for you anyway,” Ken explained, only for Catcher to hit him on the back.

“She can feed herself, idiot,” she scolded. Ken turned back to Catcher and offered her the meat.

“Then you eat it!” Catcher hit him again and Ken shrunk back slightly, looking forward with a pout. “You’re no fun,” he moped before shoving the beef in his mouth and instantly cheering up, the whole fit obviously a show. Sighing in resignation, you picked up a set of chopsticks and took some chicken. Eventhough you didn’t have much of an appetite, you knew you had to at least eat some of it as to ease everyone’s worries.

Hyuk returned with your orange juice and Catcher sent him off on what sounded like some pointless errand. You nursed your drink as the nearly three dozen adults and teens in the room began to cycle through and individually pay their respects to you–high and low ranking members and their children and spouses, of which only a fourth didn’t live in HQ. N’s bright red hair moved amongst the crowd like a shark and you silently prayed that he didn’t dare actually approach you. You didn’t want to deal with him on your first night back in HQ.

After everyone had gone through a few drinks, Hongbin slipped off to socialize. He rarely saw many of the people present, so you didn’t blame him. Ken latched onto your arm, nuzzling into your shoulder with flushed cheeks.

“So glad you’re back home, Nixe-noona,” he mumbled as you tried to pry him off you. He resisted your efforts with much fanfare, eventually tentacling his arms around your entire body and preventing you from moving even the slightest bit. Catcher cackled from beside him, terribly amused by your failing efforts to escape him. Ravi watched from across the coffee table, an amused grin on his lips as he tried not to laugh. You narrowed your eyes at him, attempting to tell him to help you with your expression. Ravi sat back, licking his lips and eyes twinkling. Hyuk returned from his task empty handed and received a beating from Catcher.

“Don’t come back until you get me one, you numbskull! I don’t care if you have to go to China to get it!” she fussed at him, shooing him away again. You wiggled in Ken’s grasp, growing more uncomfortable the longer he held on, but he only squeezed you tighter. Ravi suddenly shifted in his seat, breaking the conversation he’d been having with a lower ranking member, and pulled out his cellphone. His brows knit and he shook his head.

“Looks like something’s come up,” he murmured to you and the others on the couch.

“Like what?” you asked, brows knitting together.

“I’ll let you know if it turns out to be anything. Stay and enjoy the party.” You nodded, not able to move from your spot for Ken’s deadweight. Watching Ravi leave made you uneasy. You were finally back but they still didn’t allow you to work when it came up.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Ken reassured you, finally pulling back some. “Just relax and enjoy the party,” he grinned. “And don’t forget about the meat!” You rolled your eyes as he reached out and grabbed one of the few slices of beef left. He shoved it in your face and you shrank back, glaring at his offending hand and swatting it away. He shrugged and downed the meat. “How do you turn down such good meat,” he pouted, food half chewed.

You shook your head, ignoring him and raising your orange juice to your lips. You let your eyes rove the room, spotting N’s hair off in the far corner. You hoped he stayed there. A middle ranking couple approached you, drawing your attention away. Just as they were about to pay their respects, you caught sight of Ravi’s white hair at the entrance to the room.

“Look at what just arrived from China!” Ravi called out, drawing everyone’s attention to the entrance of the common room. You felt your heart stop at the sight: Leo, toddler cradled in his arms, and a very pregnant Birdie. You felt faint. You wanted a drink more now than ever before.

“Well well, what a serious party… are we crashing your fun or something?” Leo broke the silence with a laugh. You hadn’t even computed that the room had been just as shocked as you until it erupted in excited chatter again. Everyone rushed the couple, Ken and Catcher abandoning your side to go greet their old friends. Leo and Birdie had unexpectedly stolen the show, and you felt somewhat grateful for your newfound breathing room. But a knot twisted in your stomach at the same time. They were back, baby in tow and another on the way.

Birdie finally managed to break away from the crowd and nudged her way over to you. Before any words could leave her mouth, she bowed respectfully. The action drew a small smile from your lips.

“I’m glad to see you in better health, Leader-nim.” You laughed under your breath at the formal address, the title a little odd after hearing her call you by your street name in China. You’d also taken to calling her by her nickname, as she was no longer a cop and the title was inappropriate for your new relationship with her in general. Things had started out roughly between you, but over the course of your stay in China, you’d come to an understanding. She married Leo and was raising your child, for better or worse she was in your life now, and at least you weren’t quite as different as you’d originally thought. But this wasn’t the time or place to be personal. She was returning as a member of VIXX, not as the woman who was raising your child.

“I think you will know what I mean when I say that getting shot really is no fun,” you replied. The look in her eyes confirmed her sympathy over your pain. You patted the space Hongbin had vacated earlier. “Sit with me, let me look at you…”

Birdie nodded, taking a seat. She was so pregnant, glowing and healthy looking. Neither of you had imagined that this would have been a possibility when you handed your baby over to her, but here she was. Leo was finally going to have a child of his own with the woman he loved. You reached out and placed your hand on her stomach, causing her to smile.

“I’m happy for you two. I really am,” you murmured, eyes training on her belly. “Although I really wish your damn oaf of a husband would have told me sooner. I nearly died of surprise…”  You looked up just in time to catch Leo sliding in front of you, squirming toddler still in his arms. Despite the wriggling boy in his arms, Leo’s eyes were trained on you, boring into you in a way you hadn’t experience in almost two years.

“You scared me to death you know?” he finally managed. You took a deep, controlled breath, eyes training on the boy in Leo’s arms. You’d almost died without seeing your baby or the closest thing you had to blood family again.

“I’m still here,” you replied, voice taught and weary. You were alive, if only as the shell of the woman you were before. Quiet fell again as you took in the sight of Leo holding the dewey tanned boy. They both looked so healthy.

“Would you like to hold him?” Birdie asked from beside you. Your breath caught in your throat and you felt like your heart was about to stop for a second time that night. You’d only held him once, on the day he was born, squeezed tight in your arms as you tried to come to terms with having to give him up. When he was finally taken from your arms, you’d distanced yourself, from Birdie and Leo and everyone in EXO-M. A tiny crying newborn and a few glimpses of him in his new parents’ arms the only memories you had of him. You didn’t even know what they named him. Seeing your boy so big made you ache terribly to hold him, to play with him.

You stood, Birdie steadying you as you did, and took a slow, deep breath to hold the flood of emotions inside you at bay. You couldn’t let your mask crack now.

“Yeah…I’d like to hold him,” you finally said, reaching your hands up to take him. Leo nodded, turning slightly so the little boy in his arms could see you. His eyes met yours and your heart did stop for a second time. He took in your features, eyes widening before grinning wide enough to reveal his baby teeth. You wanted to cry–he had N’s smile.

But you held it in, the room far too crowded for a breakdown and the knowledge that N was lurking somewhere in the crowd further solidifying the need to keep everything together. The toddler reached for you shyly with his little hand and you had to stop yourself from crumbling all over again.

“You want to meet auntie?” Leo asked the little boy. The child nodded shyly and continued to reach for you, causing your heart to lodge in your throat. You cautiously took him from Leo’s arms and pulled him close to your body.

Your son, your beautiful boy. You didn’t think you’d ever hold him again. He looked up at you for a moment in awe before his legs latched onto your waist. Your heart beat faster in your chest and you vaguely wondered if this was a dream. He squirmed uncomfortably in your arms, knocking against your healing wounds, and you realized you were squeezing him too tightly. No sooner had you loosened your grip then he beamed and began playing with the stuffed panda he’d been clinging to since they got there. You had to stop yourself from crying again, not daring to even let your tears well up in your eyes. He was such a happy, happy boy.

“He’s…” you started, pausing to lick your lip as you tried to find the right words and tone of voice. “He’s really beautiful. How did you name him?”

“Seyoon,” Leo answered, tone soft and volume low, a hint of the pain he felt seeing your reunion in the syllables. “He’s a very happy, playful child.” You smiled, taking in the beautiful sight of your little Seyoon in your arms playing with his toy. You could easily tell that he was as Leo’d said.

“I’m very glad…is he healthy?” you asked.

“Fit as a horse…He has a lot of energy. He never even crawled, ran before he could walk…” Leo answered, reaching out to squeeze Seyoon and drawing a giggle from the boy as he leaned away from the man he knew as his father and pressed more fully onto your chest. Seyoon’s laugh filled you with warmth, his weight comfortable in your arms and making you feel a little more whole. Happy, healthy, rambunctious, a good boy despite all the trouble leading up to his birth.

Birdie’s hand brushed your arm, pulling your attention away from Seyoon. You looked down at her, only to see that her gaze was focused somewhere in the crowd. Tracing her line of sight, you caught N’s red hair getting closer and stiffened. Mask falling in place, you prepared yourself for a confrontation you had been hoping wouldn’t happen. He came to a stop next to Leo, still looking a little worse for the wear from his punishment last week.

“Its been a long time, Leo.” he said hoarsely, offering his hand to Leo. Leo accepted the handshake and N continued teasingly, “I have to say, I never pegged you as the married, father of two type…” The corner of Leo’s lips twitched at the comment.

“I like to surprise people sometimes…” Leo replied, eyes carefully glancing over you as the words passed his lips. He was apprehensive about letting you and Seyoon be around N at the same time, you realized, slightly taken aback.

“Hello Birdie,” N chirped, bowing low to the pregnant woman. “I heard you’re expecting a girl, congratulations.”

“Thank you,“ she replied genuinely.

N’s attention turned to you and Seyoon, eyes meeting yours. He was suspicious. Your heart pounded faster and you wanted to turn away and leave, but you held strong and kept your face unreadable.

“And is that your son?” he asked Birdie, who nodded in confirmation.

“Seyoon. He’s eighteen months,” she elaborated.

N cautiously reached out for Seyoon’s hand and shook it, grinning when the toddler smiled at him. You watched the exchange intently, trying hard to prevent your entire body from stiffening up.

“Hello, Seyoonie…” he murmured, Seyoon parroting the greeting. “Can I…Do you think I could hold him?” he asked, the question directed at you and not Leo or Birdie. You panicked, fearing he’d connected the dots. You nodded, eyes dropping away as he took the boy from your arms.

Seyoon cooed before shouting excitedly, “Red!” The noise drew your attention back to him, and your stomach knotted at the sight of Seyoon pulling N’s hair and the wince on his birth-father’s face. They looked so much a like. So, so much alike. You couldn’t deny it and that fact sent chills down your spine and reality crashed into you. Seyoon wasn’t yours. He’d been born from your relationship with N, but he wasn’t your child.

“Yes Seyoonie…uncle’s hair is red, but don’t tug so hard…” Leo scolded, tone slightly choked. He reached up to pry Seyoon’s hand off the lock, but N waved him away. Gently removing Seyoon’s hand from his hair, N gripped the tiny hand in his own and smiled softly at the toddler.

“Aren’t you beautiful…” he cooed, causing Seyoon to hide his face in embarrassment. Your breath caught, the action reminding you so much of the way N covered his face when he was embarrassed. It was probably something completely unrelated, an action he had learned from someone else or that came naturally to children, but it was jarring none the less. N grinned brightly at the reaction, cooing more over the boy.

Your heart hurt and your mind raced. It was like watching a dream–like the happy fantasies you’d had about family life long ago. Had things been different, this image would have been normal. You would have been happy. But N had betrayed you on several deep levels and you’d given your child up so he’d be raised by parents that could actually love and care for him. Those dreams had been shattered and the pieces turned into nightmares that haunted you along with the events that shattered them.

“Do you mind if I take him with me a little?” he asked Leo. Leo nodded and N turned away, carrying Seyoon off to meet the rest of the members. Your mind realed, you were washed with a sudden wave of fear for a day far in the future. Surely he’d realize it someday, and the older he got the more others would realize as well. You feared the day you had to explain it to him, feeling guilt welling up in the pit of your stomach.

You couldn’t stay there any longer. You couldn’t handle seeing N holding his child so happily, knowing what could have been. You turned to leave, figuring the kitchen would be the closest safe haven with the least danger of being outright stopped.

“Are you alright?” Leo asked, quiet enough that no one else would hear. You stilled, taking another deep breath and straightening your posture.

“I’m fine. I just need a bit of fresh air, its too crowded in here. I’ll be back,” you bit out, sliding past Leo and making your way to the kitchen.

The kitchen was thankfully empty and the quiet gave you a chance to reign in your thoughts somewhat. You glanced around the room, your first and most strong thought to get your hands on liquor. Honing in on the cabinet that usually held the liquor store, you crossed the room. To your dismay, the cabinet had been completely cleared, it’s contents no doubt circulating the common room. With an exasperated sigh, you slammed the door shut and sunk down on the counter, covering your face as you tried to hold your breaking mask together.

“Kinda rude to leave a party meant for you when it’s barely just getting started,” Catcher’s voice cut through the silence. You stiffened.

“I just needed some air,” you replied, giving her the same excuse you’d given Leo. “I’m not used to being around so many people anymore. I’m exhausted.” You slowly turned to face her, choosing your words wisely. “Besides, Birdie and Leo stole the show. Can’t compete with babies, you know?” Catcher’s eye narrowed at you, but she remained quiet, studying you. Her cheeks were slightly flushed and you knew she’d had her fair share of drinks.

“Do you know how hard it was to get everyone here tonight?” she asked, finally breaking the silence. You were taken aback by the question. Before you could even formulate an answer, she continued, “Everyone’s been so busy running around dealing with those pain in the ass Block B bastards to get revenge for you and everything else they’ve done. We could have been out working tonight, but we’re here because we’ve been worried about you. And you want to leave because some old friends showed up and stole everyone’s attention?” You made to correct her, but she cut you off again, “That’s not the real reason is it?”

You froze, studying her carefully. Her lips were taught lines, pressed together in anger. She’d clenched her fists, and puffed herself up to look as sturdy as she could despite her inebriated state.

“You left because of Seyoon, didn’t you?” she said after a long pause. You felt your hands tremble and your mask slip. She _knew_.

“Why would I leave because of him–” you attempted to divert her but she cut you off.

“Oh, shut up. You could have just told me. I know how to keep my mouth shut, instead I find out through photographs and suspicions?” she snarled, getting closer to you. You gripped the counter, tensing up. You didn’t want to have this conversation.

“It wasn’t relevant and I didn’t want anyone to know,” you bit back, raising your defenses as best you could.

“Wasn’t relevant? _Bullshit_ ,” Catcher spat. “You should have told me. You should have told N and everybody else. Instead you acted like an idiot and caused everyone a lot of pain. How could you be so inconsiderate? Do you even know how you hurt people?”

“I’ve been trying to do what’s best for VIXX,” you hissed back. _Every_ decision you’d made had taken VIXX into consideration.

“If you were doing what was best for VIXX, you wouldn’t be acting like such a self-centered _brat_.” Your mask shattered and you felt tears well in your eyes.

“Then what should I have done? Had an abortion?” you snarled, voice low and vicious. Catcher deflated, caught off guard. Her eye searched your face as she quickly formulated a response.

“That’s not what I meant–” she started, but you cut her off.

“Then I should have kept him and raised him by myself, leaving us with a big fat pregnant target for NU’EST and BTS to attack and another neglected kid? At least he has good parents now.”

“You’re _sick_ ,” she spat. “A sick _idiot_. Your decision made things harder on _everyone_.”

“I did it to protect VIXX,” you hissed.

“You did it to protect your _pride_ ,” she hissed back, surging forward and getting in your face. “And now you’re wallowing around in self constructed misery and hurting everyone around you. Do you know what kind of burden you’ve put on Birdie and Leo? Do you even realize how N felt seeing you with Seyoon? How much Ravi and Ken and Hongbin have been worried about you? Stupidly played, _Nixe_.” Something in your head snapped when she called you by that name. You grabbed Catcher by her collar and yanked her close enough to smell the alcohol on her breath.

“It was _my_ body, _my_ baby, _my_ group. N is a traitor and a cheater. The deal with Leo was mutually beneficial,” you growled, low and angrily.

“Mutually beneficial my _foot_ ,” Catcher hissed. “We lost one of our best men and a valuable source of information, not to mention two of our dearest friends.”

“But they’re _happier_ ,” you defended weakly, “and our relations with EXO-M are stronger than ever now.” Catcher snorted at the words.

“And what about N? He’s been working his ass off to prove himself to you again and you just write him off. He deserves better than you’ve given him and we both know it.”

“He’s been forgiven for his betrayal, but that doesn’t mean I have to forgive him for his _other_ actions.” She pursed her lips and glared up at you.

“All of this shit could have been avoided if you’d just told us,” she bit out.

“Would telling him have made the brothel deal less tense? Would telling you have gotten you to tell me about N’s back stabbing?” Her eye narrowed, hands coming up to grip your wrists. She headbutted you before you could even compute she was going to attack.  You reeled back, hands flying to your forehead. Catcher pulled away from you and put some distance between you.

“You’re an inconsiderate asshole,” she spat. The words struck a chord inside your head and you couldn’t help the laughter escaping your lips or your falling tears. “You pushed us all away. You went to China and pushed Leo and Birdie away. And then you came back acting like someone died and pushed us all away even more.”

“They _wanted_ to stay in China,” you defended, laughter fading away. “I wanted them to be safe so I couldn’t say no…” Catcher faltered, mouth opening slightly in shock. “I died in China, Catch. I gave up everything I had for VIXX. I did what I thought I had to do.” She scoffed, turning away and shaking her head.

“You just don’t want to admit when you’ve made a mistake. Pull your head out of your ass and look around you for once,” Catcher spat before storming out of the kitchen. Your strength left your body and you sank to the ground, tears over taking you. You’d just opened up to her more than you had anyone else since returning from China, but she threw it all back in your face as if you obviously weren’t haunted by your decisions. That’s what you got for fighting with drunkards, but you doubted her reaction would have been different sober. You clawed the ground, attempting to push the pain away and failing, crying until you were numb on the inside.

You picked yourself up slowly, your tears dying down. You’d been gone for a while, much longer than you’d intended, and people were bound to be worrying by now. Yet you felt in no condition to go back yet. Your eyes were undoubtedly red and telling. You’d have to stop by the bathroom to clean up before returning to the party. Standing up, you reached for something to wipe your face with.

“So this is where you disappeared to…” N’s voice broke the silence, catching you completely off guard. You froze, slowly looking up to where he stood just inside the doorway. His words had been quiet but firm enough to make you nervous. You didn’t want to talk to him, especially not after the fight you’d just had with Catcher.

“I-I needed some air,” you said carefully, cursing in your head at how you stuttered.

“Pretty long break for air,” he said, shaking his head and propelling himself closer to you. You scoffed and looked away, bracing yourself for anything he might say. He stopped in front of you and reached out, brushing his hand under your eye. You flinched back, but he took your face more forcefully, turning your head so he could get a better look at you, his frown setting deeper. “You’ve been crying.”

“Don’t touch me,” you ordered softly, knocking his hand away and slipping away to the counter, back to him.

“Leo and Birdie’s kid…” he started but tapered off. You tensed.

“What about him?” you asked cautiously.

“He’s got your eyes,” N said softly. “And my smile.”

“Your eyes are playing tricks on you,” you insisted, shaking your head.

“You weren’t going to tell me, were you?” he asked, voice trembling and hurt.

“What’s there to tell? I really don’t know what you’re talking about. Leo and Birdie adopted him in China. They didn’t think they’d be able to have one of their own,” you explained, looking over your shoulder at him with the most composed face you could muster. He sighed in exasperation, squeezing his eyes shut and bringing a hand up to his forehead.

“I’m not stupid. My eyes aren’t seeing things. Seyoon _is_ our child,” he replied frustratedly.

“He’s _not_ our child,” you reiterated sharply. “Leo and Birdie raised him. He’s theirs even if they aren’t his biological parents.” You felt your composure slipping again and turned away, biting your lip and crossing your arms over your chest.

“So you’re just going to avoid talking about this?” he pressed, annoyed.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” you insisted.

“ _You had a baby_ ,” he hissed, his hand landing on the side of your waist. “ _We_ had a _baby_ and you say there’s nothing to talk about?” You tried to get away from him but he tightened his grip and pressed you into the counter. “We have a _lot_ to talk about and you keep running away from it.”

“Running away?” you murmured. You pressed back against the counter with all your strength, knocking N away. The moment you were free, you moved to an open area, keeping your eyes on him. You wouldn’t let him pin you again. “You carried out a weeks long affair with the enemy, N. What did you expect me to do? Raise him alone and create another monster like myself?”

“Honey, you’re _not_ a monster,” he tried to console, stepping towards you. You stumbled back farther away from him, brows knitting together as you felt your anger and frustration at him well up again.

“I’m _not_ your _Honey_ ,” you snarled. “You never loved me, did you? All the things you said to those women in the tapes you’ve said to me.”

“ _I love you_. I _still_ love you. But you never let me explain,” he bit back, trying to get closer to you again. You stumbled back more, determined to keep the distance between you.

“I have seven hours of tape of you fucking _that woman_ alone,” you hissed. “I don’t need any explanation or excuses after hearing that.”

“Lee Jiyeon is _dead_. I stabbed her in the kidney and slit her throat. She bled out in the chaos,” he asserted. “I wouldn’t have been able to kill her if I’d had lingering attachments.”

“You can be just as cold hearted as me when you need to be,” you spat. “And It doesn’t change the fact that it sounded like you enjoyed every moment fucking her as if it wasn’t a job. She drew sounds out of you that I rarely could. I know your tells, N. I-I…” you broke off, feeling tears welling in your eyes. You couldn’t continue. You couldn’t admit that one of the possibilities everything went south was because he felt like he couldn’t express his dissatisfaction with the sex. So you clammed up instead and threw your walls up. “This conversation is over.”

You sidestepped, making a huge arch around him to get at the exit of the kitchen. Panic welled up on N’s features and he scrambled to block your path, falling to his knees and bowing low in front of you. You stopped, caught off guard by the action.

“If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t still be trying to get you to forgive me,” he explained. “If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t have been so hurt seeing Seyoon in your arms.” You felt your insecurities break free and couldn’t control the biting words that spilled from your lips.

“You’re just interested in power. There’s no other reason a man would get close to a monster like me. You had _no_ interest in me romantically before it was announced that I was a candidate to be the next leader.” You clenched your fists, hands shaking and barely able to hold yourself together. His head snapped up, distraught and hurt eyes meeting yours. You couldn’t continue with the conversation. There was nothing more you had to say. You side stepped him again and headed for the door.

“Stop making things up in your head!” N growled, grabbing your wounded shoulder. You winced in pain, caving under his grip as he jerked you around and pinned you to the island counter in the center of the kitchen. You slammed your foot on his toes as you pressed on his chest to get him off, but his grip on your shoulder tightened and his other hand pressed into the general area of your stomach wound. You stifled a pained whimper, lashing out and struggling harder.

“Just what kind of man do you take me for?” he hissed, shaking you. You glared up at him. “If I were in it for power, if I thought you were a monster, I wouldn’t have tried to start a family with you.” You stilled, swallowing. “Goddamn it, let me make things right. Do you even realize how much this hurts for me too? You never told me you were pregnant. You gave our baby to someone else. I wanted to start a family just as much as you.”

“Pretty lies from a saccharine tongue,” you murmured, looking away from him. His grip loosened but he didn’t back away.

“You still don’t believe me?” he asked, voice soft and trembling.

“The woman you’re chasing after is dead, N. After everything that you did… after everything I’ve done… we can’t go back. We’re over. Been over.” You bit your lip, barely able to hold yourself together. “This discussion is over. Let me go.” N stepped back and you slipped away from him, fleeing towards the door. Your wounds screamed and your head and eyes ached. You just wanted to crawl in bed, for your mind to stop working.

You climbed the stairs with quick steps, dead set on getting to your room. Your door opened on the first try, the others likely leaving it unlocked to access any belongings you’d have needed in the hospital without fuss. You slammed the door frustratedly, not spotting your bag of things from the hospital anywhere. It was probably still at the door, abandoned by Hongbin in the excitement to get you into the party. Everything was in that bag, but you didn’t dare to go back and get it.

Sighing, you made your way over to your dresser and opened your jewelry drawer. The pieces had been collected over your years as leader. Gifts, purchases for certain events–though much of the drawer’s contents had belonged to your parents and been passed to them from theirs. You scanned the drawer until you found the box you were looking for. Plucking it up and closing the drawer, you left your room and headed to your office.

It felt surreal to be back in the room after so long. A few things on your desk had moved, but it was relatively untouched as Ravi had said. You sank down in your desk chair, resting your hands on the wood in front of you. Carefully, you opened the ring box in your hands, eyes focusing on the large canary diamond Kris had given you. A symbol of your time in China, of another hard decision you’d had to make. Even though you’d ultimately turned Kris down, he’d insisted you kept the ring as a birthday gift. You wore it until you returned to your room, placed it in the drawer and hadn’t looked at it since. Pulling the ring from the box and turning it over, you replayed the events of the night in your mind. Licking your lips pensively, you slid the ring on your finger, frowning when you realized it was a bit loose.

Pulling it off, you placed it back in the box but didn’t close the lid. You eyed the phone on your desk and sighed. Picking up the receiver, you dialed Kris’s number, closing your eyes and leaning back into the seat as you waited for him to pick up. It had been on a whim, but you needed to talk to someone.

“ _Hello?_ ” Kris picked up after what felt like eternity, his greeting in Korean. You took a deep breath, steadying yourself.

“Kris, it’s good to hear your voice,” you responded in Mandarin.

“ _Nixe._ ” There was some shuffling on the other end and when he next spoke it was in Mandarin. “ _I wasn’t expecting a call from you so soon. I thought it’d be Ravi saying Leo and Birdie arrived safely._ ”

“I got back to HQ a few hours ago,” you replied, a small smile tugging on your lips.

“ _If you’re back then there must be a wild party going on. Why’re you calling me at a time like this?_ ”

“I just needed to get away. It was a bit too much. If they weren’t telling me how glad they were I was alive, they were scolding me for being so reckless. And then Leo and Birdie showed up and shocked me half to death.” Kris laughed.

“ _It’s true, you gave us all a scare. But I’m glad you’re alright too._ ” He paused, but you didn’t dare fill the silence. “ _I’m sorry I couldn’t be by your side, that I couldn’t join them tonight. I would have carried out revenge for you personally._ ”

“It’s ok. I understand, really. Things are busy. The flowers were more than enough. And don’t worry too much about revenge. Suho did a good job.”

“ _But you’re still having problems._ ”

“That has nothing to do with EXO’s help. Block B is just stupid. We’ll resolve things. Have a little faith in my people.” He sighed.

“ _You’re right. Your people are good. And with Leo back by your side, I have less to worry about for the time being._ ” You paused, choosing your next words wisely.

“Thank you,” you finally said, switching back to Korean, voice trembling and everything threatening to fall apart again. “Thank you so much for taking care of them.”

“ _I wouldn’t think of doing anything but that,_ ” Kris responded carefully, also switching languages.

“He’s gotten so big.” A tear managed to escape and you wiped it away. “And Birdie’s so pregnant.”

“ _Don’t cry. You’re really making me regret not going with them.”_ You laughed half hollowly, almost wishing he had so you could get lost in his body and push everything else away. But it was better that he hadn’t come. It was better to keep things like they were.

“They’ve been happy over there, right?”

“ _About as happy as they can be without their brothers by their side. Leo felt it more than Birdie, I think…”_

“Thank you. Really, thank you.” You fell into silence that you didn’t know how to fill but didn’t want to break.

“ _Nixe_ ,” Kris finally spoke, “ _I love you_.” You bit your lip, squeezing your eyes shut. He spoke the words as seriously and meaningful as always.

“You know I can’t return those words,” you mumbled, your usual response when he declared his love.

“ _I know._ ” The words were solemn, heavy. Silence returned for a few moments before he spoke again. “ _My offer is still on the table, you know.”_ The corners of your lips curled up in a faint smile as you looked at the ring.

“I know.” But you didn’t think you’d ever accept his proposal.

“ _I really hate to cut this conversation short but…_ ” Kris said after a few moments. You swallowed, straightening in your chair.

“No. It’s ok. I called you out of no where.”

“ _If I could, I’d talk with you all night_ ,” he reassured you.

“Thank you… I–… When things are settled, I’ll try to come for a visit.”

“ _I look forward to it._ ” You could hear the smile in his voice. “ _Don’t push yourself too hard._ ”

“I won’t.”

You exchanged your goodbyes and hung up with a sigh. You slumped down on the desk, cradling your head in your arms, mind returning to earlier. Your masks had to get better, your emotions stifled more. You couldn’t doubt yourself now, but your whole foundation had been shaken.


	3. Ashes ~Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****Warning for this section: There’s a gratuitous and long torture scene at the end; it’s skippable without much consequence if you find your self squeamish from it, you can go to the next section**** Did I mention I did terrible things? Sorry in advanced!

In the early hours of the morning, you finally dared to leave your quarters and slinked downstairs. You hadn’t managed to get any sleep and your head throbbed horribly. Your wounds ached terribly as your painkillers wore off. The party had died out long ago, but they’d yet to clean up. You found your bag near the entrance and dragged it into the kitchen, setting it at the table to riffle through until you were able to locate your prescription bottles. After downing the meds with a glass of water, you sank down at the table, waiting for them to kick in. Maybe then you’d have enough strength to lug your bag back to your room and be pain free enough to sleep a few hours.

Hyuk tumbled into the kitchen, a shopping bag and several empty soju bottles in hand, looking outright exhausted. He shuffled past you, not realizing you were there, and dumped the bottles on the center island with a sigh. He headed to the fridge to get something to drink, leaning on the counter as he downed what looked like orange juice. When he lowered the glass, his eyes met yours where you were watching him from the table, head resting on your folded arms. His eyes widened in surprise, pulling a small smirk from your lips.

“L-leader-nim, I didn’t think anyone else would be up…” he stuttered, putting his drink down and crossing the room to you.

“My pain meds wore off,” you explained, starting to feel them kicking in. “My bag got left down here, so I had to come get it.”

“Guess it got forgotten in the excitement…” Hyuk mumbled, leaning down next to you. “I should have had one of the kids take it to your room. But I didn’t see it at all when I was running around. Sorry, ma’am.”

“It’s not your fault,” you sighed. “Too much was going on.”

“I heard Leo and Inspector came back. By the time I got back from the first round of errands Catcher sent me on, Inspector’d already taken the toddler to bed,” he pouted. “And you were gone too. I never got to pay my respects.”

“Well I’m here now,” you baited flatly and his eyes snapped up to yours. He’d perked up like a puppy waiting to be told what to do.

“Can I hug you, ma’am?” he asked hesitantly, eyes begging. You sighed, pushing away from the table and turning towards him. You couldn’t deny the fact that you needed some physical comfort.

“Some of the others did, so why not.” Hyuk’s eyes lit up and he’d pulled you up from your seat and into a tight hug before you could blink. Hesitantly, you wrapped your arms around him in return, gripping his shirt in your hands. He stiffened when he realized you’d hugged him back, tightening his grip on you until you felt like he’d crush you.

“I’m so glad you’re back, ma’am,” he murmured into your hair. “I was so worried. We all were. I-I–”

“Just shut up already,” you murmured into his shoulder, hands trembling as you gripped his shirt tighter.

“Yes, ma’am,” he obeyed, shifting his weight. He was perceptive, had been in similar situations of emotional distress with you before. Cautiously, he brought his hand around and tilted your chin up so he could look you in the eye. “Can I kiss you, ma’am?” he asked delicately, searching your eyes for what was wrong. He wouldn’t ask what happened, he never did. He knew it wasn’t his place or his business and that was what had always been so good about turning to him for physical comfort.

“It’s probably not a good idea,” you replied, warning him off with your eyes, thinking about N, about everything Catcher had said. His brows knit together in concern and confusion.

“I’ll take my chances,” he murmured, leaning down to catch your lips. You tightened your grip around him and took over the kiss in a matter of seconds, Hyuk gladly submitting. His hands wandered down your back, resting on your waist and pulling your lower body flush against him. Breaking away from the kiss, he bent to flutter kisses along your jaw and down your neck. You sighed, clawing into his back as one of his hands wandered under your shirt and connected with your skin. His lips found yours again, this kiss more intense than the first. You couldn’t continue in the kitchen.

“Help me take my bag to my room,” you ordered breathily as you broke away from him completely and headed for the door.

“Yes, ma’am,” Hyuk complied, falling in step behind you. As you climbed the steps, you debated whether to take him to bed or not, if it was really the smart thing to do, if you’d only be hurting him more, just like you’d been hurting everyone else. He didn’t seem to mind that you were using him, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. He was just as concerned as the others. when you reached your door, you’d come to a decision.

“I’ll take it from here,” you said, holding your hand out. Hyuk stared at you, begging with his eyes not to dismiss him, but you’d made up your mind. “You should go get some rest.”

“But–”

“Don’t talk back. We both need rest. The next few days will be long.” He pouted but handed your bag to you. You opened the door and slipped inside, leaving Hyuk standing outside. Maybe now that you’d had your medicine you could sleep, but you highly doubted it. Dropping your bag to the ground, you made your way over to your bed.

-.-.-.-.-

“It’s weird,” Leo commented, looking around your office.

“What is?” you asked, glancing at him.

“Being back in your office,” he answered, taking a seat in the chair in front of your desk. “It’s been a while.” You sat at your desk chair, folding your hands on the table. You hadn’t quite gotten back to work yet, wanting to talk with Leo and clear the air with him some after everything that’d happened the previous night before starting on the massive pile of papers on your desk. You’d barely gotten to talk with him.

“Too used to Kris’s?” He nodded.

“You’ve rearranged some.”

“I did it when I got back from China. Ravi didn’t do a good job of keeping the place tidy while I was gone,” you explained. Leo chuckled, eyes falling to your hands on the desk.

“It feels good to be back.”

“It’s good to have you back. It’s been lonely without you.”

“I heard from Ravi that you were too stubborn to get a new bodyguard.” You sighed, looking down at your desk.

“Stubborn’s one word for it…” you mumbled. “I didn’t want to replace you. No one else could read my movements like you could.”

“So you put yourself at risk?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow at you.

“Yaah, it’s not like I didn’t take a detail with me to important meetings, it’s just the security wasn’t as sharp as you. And it didn’t help that I’m so used to keeping such a low guard.”

“You always were reckless with yourself,” Leo smiled. His smile faded and he bit his lip. “I should have been there.” You shook head.

“Don’t feel guilty. It happened for a lot of reasons beyond what you could have controlled. Besides, you have something more important than me to protect.” Leo remained silent, eyes carefully observing you. “How was life in China?”

“More peaceful. More regular hours. It was nice.”

“Do you want to go back?” you probed.

“Maybe someday.”

“Were you happy?”

“We were.”

“How would you feel if I transferred you to our China branch?” you asked, cutting to the heart of what you wanted to talk to him about. He narrowed his eyes, frown setting in place.

“I’d prefer you didn’t.”

“Why not? It’s much safer for you and your family over there. And you were happy there.”

“Because you need me here, by your side,” he explained, certainty and seriousness filling his voice.

“I don’t need you so badly to take you away from your family.”

“VIXX _is_ my family. _You’re_ my family. Just as much as Birdie and Seyoon.” You dropped your gaze, gripping your fingers tighter together at his words.

“Don’t feel pressured to return. The situation is dangerous right now. I don’t want to endanger your kids or you,” you insisted. “I’ve gotten by just fine on my own until now.”

“You were almost _killed_ ,” Leo hissed.

“You’re _not_ to blame for that.”

“And you can’t just try to act like nothing is wrong. I can tell how stressful everything has been on you by how you look. It’s stressful for me too, worrying about everyone when I can’t help.” You swallowed, taking the scolding. “Besides, I want to raise Seyoon and my daughter around the people I consider my family. Birdie and I are buying a house.”

“A house?” you asked, eyes snapping back up to his in surprise.

“The apartment is a bit small and HQ a bit too crowded…” he explained with a sheepish smile. You sighed, slumping down in your chair, overwhelmed. “It’s close to HQ. Getting to work won’t be a problem.”

“You were spoiled with that brown stone in China…” you sighed. “If it’s close to HQ, don’t bother buying it. I’ll get it back from the realtor, they likely got it from us anyway.”

“I want the deed in Birdie and my names, not VIXX’s,” Leo insisted. You cocked an eyebrow at him questioningly.

“Then we’ll get it for you deeply discounted.” Leo nodded his thanks. “I guess I’ll need to place you in a more stable job too… How do you feel about becoming a loan shark or managing a few hotels?” He shook his head.

“I’m staying by your side. I want my old job back.” You narrowed your eyes at him.

“Are you sure? You could get killed.”

“You’re important to me,” he reiterated. “But I do have some conditions…”

“Name them.”

“More normal working hours. More days off.”

“Fair enough. You can start once you’ve secured your house and settled in. We can discuss your work hours then.”

-.-.-.-.-

You scanned through the documents Catcher had given Ravi over the last few weeks, absorbing as much information as you could to get yourself completely up to speed with the situation. Audio-visual security had been massively bumped up but attacks had occurred anyway. Lists of injured and dead, of damages, of retaliatory attacks, of new equipment, of acquisitions, of expenditures, of medical procedures. The maps were especially important, and you put extra effort into memorizing the fluctuating border and Block B’s recorded movements.

You’d been at it several hours without a break, pain meds beginning to wear off, when there was a knock at your office door. You glanced up at the door, expecting it to open on its own. When it didn’t, you grabbed your pills and downed the dose you were likely overdue for and stood. Halfway to the door, the knock was repeated. You pulled it open and was met with a startled Birdie and curious Seyoon in her arms. You blinked a few times, not expecting her to be the one at the door.

“Birdie…”

“I thought I’d drop by. We didn’t get much time to chat the other day. But if you’re too busy I can come back later,” she said with a smile. Your gaze fell on Seyoon and you found yourself unable to refuse.

“No, come in. I needed a break anyway.” You stepped to the side and allowed her inside. You closed the door behind her, watching as she looked around the office. “You look like you’ve been working hard,” she commented with a small frown when she saw your desk.

“Yesterday was almost a complete waste. I wasn’t able to work until the evening and most of that time was spent sorting everything so I was only looking at the most relevant information,” you sighed. Birdie looked at you, expression carefully guarded. Seyoon looked around with wide eyes. “Can I hold him?” you asked, feeling awkward changing the subject so randomly. Birdie smiled wide at the question.

“By all means,” she said, turning to look at Seyoon. “Do you want to go see Auntie again?” she asked him. He squeezed his toy panda, wide eyes locked onto you. You stepped closer to Birdie and took him from her, Seyoon lighting up and latching onto you as soon as he was in your arms. You looked back up to Birdie, catching her relieved expression. “He’s getting big and so’s our little one on the way,” she explained. You nodded in understanding.

“It won’t be long until there’s two rascals to carry around,” you smiled. Seyoon cooed and you turned your attention back to him. He was back to playing with his panda, occasionally staring up at you in awe. “I’m willing to bet you’ll grow up to be a rascal just like your father. Stubborn, quick witted, protective…” You weren’t quite sure if you were describing Leo or N, but it didn’t matter.

“I’m sure he’ll take after his mother too,” Birdie said quietly. You looked up at her, searching her face to confirm that she had meant you. Looking back down at Seyoon, you reached up to pinch his arm and he giggled and squirmed.

“Don’t take after Auntie,” you murmured.

“Leader-nim…”

“God, he looks like N,” you whispered, feeling your emotions getting heavy again. Seyoon smiled and you felt overwhelmed, tears pricking the corners of your eyes. Your reaction confused the boy greatly and he started babbling, a few words in Korean and Mandarin making sense. You smiled and looked up at Birdie. “He’s picked up Mandarin.”

“Well, with as much as we spoke it he was bound to pick it up. The EXO-M members doted on him quite a bit,” Birdie explained.

“You’re a spoiled little prince,” you cooed to Seyoon in Mandarin. He giggled and hid his face at the words. The action struck the same chord in your heart it had the first time you’d seen it, causing your smile to slide off your face. You were hit by a sudden wave of uncertainty and regret, tears streaking your cheeks before you could stop them. You’d given him away, practically abandoned him, ignored his existence since he’d been born. The guilt was crushing.

“Nixe…” Seyoon looked up at you with big eyes, confused. He offered you his panda and you cried harder, pulling him closer to your chest and murmuring thank yous into his ear so he wouldn’t think he did the wrong thing. He wiggled in your grasp and you loosened your grip some, licking your lips as you nuzzled into him.

“Did I make the right choice?” you asked, the words little more than a whisper. Birdie remained quiet and Seyoon squirmed more, brushing up against your chest wound. You took a shaky breath, kneeled and set the toddler down. “You’re a good boy,” you murmured, ruffling the curls on his head with a faint smile. He stood in front of you, staring. He offered you the panda again and you took it, tears coming harder. He ran to Birdie’s leg and latched on, staring at you and tugging on her leggings.

“Nixe, are you ok?” Birdie asked carefully, stepping towards you. You shook your head, squeezing the panda tightly in your hands.

“I’ve been so scared of turning into my father all this time, but in the end I’ve become just like him,” you sobbed.

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Birdie tried to reassure you. You shook your head again, pushing yourself back up and crossing to your desk.

“After my mom was killed, my dad wasn’t home much and when he was, he was drunk. He missed Mom a lot, cried and drank himself to sleep most times he was home. Sometimes he’d hit me. The night I dragged Leo home, he beat me pretty bad. And then he pissed someone off enough to get assassinated…” you explained. “I abandoned my son. I’m no better than him.”

“You are not your father,” Birdie insisted. “And I think that Taekwoon would agree. You knew you couldn’t take care of him and willingly gave him to people that could. You were doing what you thought was best, right? I don’t know if it was the right decision, but it’ll work out in the end. We’re staying right here, so he can grow up with his family.” You stiffened, letting her words sink in. They were liberating, so different than the accusations hurled at you before.

“It’s going to be rough, you know,” you finally murmured, glancing down at Seyoon at Birdie’s feet.

“I know. But we’ll face it one obstacle at a time.” You smiled faintly at the comforting words, looking up at Birdie.

“Right. One obstacle at a time…” You looked back down at Seyoon, clinging so tightly to his mother’s leg. He stared back at you, still confused. You kneeled down again, offering him the Panda toy. “Thank you for letting me borrow your friend, Seyoonie. It really helped.” He cautiously took the toy back, checking it out before detaching himself from Birdie and grinning. He babbled, walking around happily with it. You wiped the tears from your eyes and stood back up, turning to Birdie. “And thank you. For this conversation and for taking care of Seyoon and Leo…”

“It’s not something you should thank me for,” she insisted, shaking her head.

“You haven’t thrown my decisions back at my face,” you mumbled, dropping your eyes to the ground. “It’s something to be grateful for.”

“Mama!” Seyoon called before Birdie could respond. She reached out and squeezed your arm reassuringly before going to the toddler. He’d climbed up into your desk chair and seated himself there. You grinned at the child, leaning over your desk to look at him.

“You want to do Auntie’s work for her?” you teased him.

“I think he’d fall asleep before even getting halfway through,” Birdie laughed. “It won’t be long until it’s nap time.”

“You’re welcome to stay until he gets sleepy,” you offered.

“That was the plan,” Birdie hummed, smiling at you.

            -.-.-.-.-

Pill induced sleep had given you enough clarity and stamina to tackle the information thrown at you. You technically weren’t supposed to take your sleeping pills until you were taken off your pain medications, but you’d been desperate enough for the peace of sleep to clear your mind and rejuvenate your body to risk death. The concoction had knocked you out for just over twelve hours, and when you’d shaken off the stupor it’d left you with, you were ready to get to work.

It had taken you the better of two days to go through everything in the amount of depth you’d wanted. Every detail was important when the enemy had threatened your life and attacked as viciously as they had been. You were acquainting yourself to Catch’s detailed background checks of the ranking members of Block B when there was a knock at the door. You looked up from the file, catching N’s red hair as he slid into the room and closed the door behind him. He leaned back on the door, dressed in casual street clothes.

“Just _what_ are you doing here?” you asked, less than happy to see him.

“I have a surprise for you,” N explained.

“This is no fucking time for surprises, N,” you growled. “I’m busy.” You didn’t want to talk to him or even see his face, your argument a few days ago and the images of what could have been still fresh on your mind. He just grinned at your annoyance, pissing you off more.

“Actually, I think you’ll be very happy with this one. It was a lot of trouble bringing him here.”

“Him?” you asked, confused.

“Taeil. He’s in the basement.” Your eyes widened in disbelief.

“You–” N’s grin grew wider at seeing your reaction. You stood, staring him straight in the eye. “How did you manage that?”

“A few days research and a bit of putting my neck out there.”

“And what possessed you to even go that far?” He looked away, the grin dropping off his face as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“I did it for you. So you could get revenge yourself.” You tilted your head, studying him carefully. He seemed to be telling the truth. He looked up at you again. “What Ravi and the others are doing is good, but I don’t think Block B will get the message any other way. And this is more your style anyway.”

“You always knew me well,” you mumbled.

“I still love you,” he declared. You looked away, still not convinced that he did, though this and the conversation from the night of the party were slowly changing your mind.

“I’m going to call the others. I’ll need muscle to help with the interrogation,” you changed the topic, pulling out your phone.

-.-.-.-.-

You pushed open the door to the observation room, more than eager to get a look at the cockroach N had dragged back. You paused in the doorway, not liking what you saw, N coming to a halt behind you. There was a young woman inside, dressed in oversized clothes and looking mighty skittish. Upon realizing just who opened the door, her eyes widened and she moved backwards towards the one way window, arms prepared to grab anything she could reach in case she needed to protect herself.

“That doesn’t look like Taeil, N. Who the fuck is she?” you growled, stepping further into the room.

“Taeil’s tied up in the interrogation room. This is Mouse,” N explained, coming around you and planting himself between you and the young woman.

“And why the hell is she _here_?”

“She’s a spy that infiltrated Block B. She helped me catch Taeil,” N answered simply. You frowned looking her up and down.

“That still doesn’t explain why she’s here.”

“I thought she’d like to see the fruits of her effort,” N explained, leaving a lot to desire. You crossed the room with swift steps, heels clicking on the concrete floor. She retreated until her back hit the wall, eyes widening further in fear. You grabbed her chin, tilting her head up and turning it side to side.

“You look like gutter trash,” you observed. “You one of Catch’s? With a name like Mouse, I bet you are.”

“I-I used to be, but I’m not anymore,” she stuttered.

“You Rats are useful,” you sneered darkly and let her go, stepping away to look through the window. Taeil was tied to a chair in the middle of the room, squirming in his bounds. By the way his hands and wrists were moving, he was probably trying to free his hands. You scrunched your nose and turned back towards the door. Leo had slipped in while you weren’t paying attention and seated himself on the one of the chairs in the room.

“That was fast. I wasn’t expecting you to get here so quickly. Things might get bloody, you know,” you warned him, noting his fine suit.

“Since when is that anything new?” he smirked.

“It’s good to have you back, really,” you laughed. You looked up, catching sight of Ravi and Catcher coming down the hallway. Ravi’s eyes narrowed as he got closer, locking in on the woman behind you.

“What are you doing here? I thought I told you to stay in the apartment,” he growled, voice deep with anger. He crossed the room quickly to Mouse and grabbed her arm, tugging her away from the wall and more towards the center of the room. You narrowed your eyes at the exchange, not liking the sound of it.

“Relax Ravi, I took her out. You didn’t even notice she was gone,” N stepped up, putting a hand on Ravi’s shoulder.

“She could have gotten away,” Ravi growled, grabbing N’s shirt and tugging him closer.

“But she didn’t,” N retaliated.

“What’s going on?” you asked, stepping closer to the three. “Why should she have stayed in the apartment?” The three of them stiffened, Mouses eyes going as wide as saucers in fear. Ravi slowly released N and turned to you, keeping a firm grip on Mouse’s arm.

“Block B sent her to spy on us,” Ravi said, voice carefully guarded, poised to protect himself.

“She’s _what_?” you screeched, surging forward, fists clenched. “She’s _not our_ spy?” you growled, catching N by the collar. “You little _bitch_ , what the fuck are you trying to pull?” N held his hands up and swallowed, knowing full well that you’d get physical quick if he didn’t answer.

“I’m not lying. Once she was caught, she willingly helped me catch Taeil. I couldn’t have done it without her,” N defended. You growled, shoving him back and turning to where Mouse was, looking for more of an explanation.

“I caught her getting orders from one of their higher ups,” Ravi explained. You felt your patience snap, anger driving you forward to get at Mouse. Ravi shuffled her back, putting himself between you and Mouse. Your eyes darted between the two of them and it clicked in your head. You felt your blood boil as a twisted smirk pulled at the corner of your mouth.

“Oh, you fucking _idiot_!” you hissed, grabbing him by his suit jacket and yanking him close. “She’s wearing your goddamned shirt. You _fucked her_.” He held his expression steady, not denying or confirming the claim. When he failed to respond, you took it as confirmation and kneed him in the crotch.

He hissed, letting go of Mouse and sinking down in pain. You knocked his leg out from under him and used the momentum to toss him to the ground, ignoring the way your shoulder screamed at you. His hands were instantly on his crotch, smartly preventing you from digging your heels into it, so you sufficed for his stomach instead. Ravi groaned in pain tensing beneath your foot.

“Do you all not learn from each others mistakes?” you roared. “I swear, learn to fucking keep it in your _pants_! And you didn’t think that little tidbit of information should have been something you told me _sooner_?”

“Leader-nim, calm down and let us explain,” N tried to negotiate, placing his hand on your shoulder. Pushing off from Ravi, you knocked N’s hand away.

“Don’t _touch_ me,” you hissed, glaring him down into submission. You turned to Mouse, glare focusing on her. You crossed the room to her, Mouse scrambling away until her back hit the wall. You slammed your hands on either side of her head, getting in her face. She trembled beneath you, threatening to hyperventilate.

“A fucking _spy_ for Block B?” you hissed. You brought one hand to her cheek, staring deep into her frightened eyes and trailing your hand down to her throat. She squeaked as you gripped it, but you refrained from squeezing too tight. “Then it’s safe to assume that _you’re_ the one responsible for putting me in the hospital, isn’t it?”

“Leader, that’s _enough_ ,” Ravi growled, yanking you off of her and holding you back despite your struggles. “Calm down and listen. There are _reasons_ we kept her alive.” You shrugged out of his grip and paced to the other side of the room.

“Sleeping with the Rat has obviously rotted your brain,” you sneered in Ravi and Mouse’s direction. “You should have shot her as soon as you found out.” Mouse looked away guiltily. You scoffed, whatever remorse she was feeling not enough to get her off the hook. “But fine, what did you keep her alive for?”

“We needed inside info from their closest circle. She helped us catch him.” Ravi looked back at Mouse, the glance only making her look more trapped. You shifted your weight, crossing your arms and shaking your head in disbelief. “She has inside access to their top members.”

“Oh, does she now? And how did that escape your notice for this long? She’s obviously a threat that should have been exterminated the moment you found out.” N stepped forward again, another body between you and Mouse.

“She’s the one that got him alone so we could snatch him,” he explained.

“Small favor in retrospect.” N faltered, obviously hoping that you’d be more merciful given what she’d done to help out. Three bullets was a big crime to atone for, but she did help catch Taeil. “But I guess that could buy her some time. I want her in there when I question him.”

“Nixe, what are you saying?” Ravi growled. “You can’t possibly have her in there with him, he’ll rat her out the second we set him loose.” Mouse trembled behind Ravi, the reaction incredibly satisfying. But Ravi proved a point to consider. The biggest warning to Block B would be to return Taeil half dead, and it wouldn’t do to let them know their little mouse was working as a double agent–providing that she was still actually useful, that was.

“Are you really going to let an innocent child die just because you’re angry?” N asked, drawing your attention. You glared at him. She was hardly innocent. “That’s what they do. The minute they catch wind of treachery they’ll kill her sister. She’s an eleven year old kid, Nixe. Not even you can be that cold.” The words cut, your mask disappearing as you tried to evaluate the situation and collect yourself. Your eyes darted between the men, Mouse and Catcher, who had been quietly watching the entire time. Judging by everyone’s faces, N had spoken the truth and if you didn’t calm down you would be stepping over a serious moral line that would likely break their trust in your judgement. You steeled your expression over, reeling everything back in check.

“You’re _sure_ they actually have her sister?” you asked. Her reason could be genuine enough, an understandable reason that made her actions more tolerable, but Block B could very easily be using her as a pawn and already killed the collateral.

“I am, I saw her a few days ago,” Mouse defended herself, stepping up. You focused on her, studying her expression for any sense of doubt. She was incredibly nervous, but looked sure. “I have a picture on my phone if you want? Catcher could probably validate it if you don’t believe me, my sister hasn’t changed much since she last saw her.” That caught your interest.

“Then do it,” you ordered, looking over at Catcher. She was clearly displeased with both of you. “Think you can do it?”

“Of course I can, what do you take me for?” Catcher growled, the question making her angrier. “Ravi, give me her phone, I know you have it.” Ravi reluctantly produced the phone and handed it over. “Mouse, where?”

“There’s a folder for her, you can’t miss it,” Mouse said, tone desperate, her whole being desperate to get a reprieve. But you weren’t ready to let her off as easily as the others had yet. You weren’t as trusting of outsiders, never had been.

“How long?” She jumped when you addressed her, surprised even though she had been staring right back at you. “How long have you been selling us out, Rat?” you asked again, grabbing her chin. “How many secrets have you given them?” She licked her lips nervously, trying to form the words.

“A little more than two years, right after Zico took over.” Two _years_ and she hadn’t been caught? Your anger boiled up again and you tightened your grip on her chin, pressing your nails into her skin.

“How much?”

“Small stuff like slack security and–” She paused, as if she was preparing herself for something. “Your movements up until your meeting with EXO.” Your vision tunneled, the rest of the world fading away as your anger and rage grew with each word that passed her lips, grip tightening until her flesh gave way. “The meeting place and time. And the best route to plant the assassin.” She was directly responsible for the assassination setup, might as well have pulled the trigger herself for all you cared, and they were _defending_ her.

“Catcher, the picture, _now_!” you growled, tossing her to the side and holding your hand out for the phone.

“Yeah yeah, I found it,” Catcher said with a frown. “She’s older and doesn’t look like she’s been fed too well, but it’s her alright.” Her expression saddened, the emotion unmistakably real. “I’m sorry Mouse.”

You plucked the phone from Catcher’s hands, ignoring her growl as you inspected the picture. A girl, underweight, but smiling brightly as she clutched a walrus toy. But her eyes carried a weight that other women broken by the underworld carried, one you were familiar with–an unfortunate byproduct of the nasty underbelly of your line of work, the only pity it drew from you that it was a child. A blurry B-Bomb stood behind her, making it clear as day that she was indeed in Block B’s hands.

“I got shot for this?” you asked dryly. “She hardly looks worth the effort.” But family was a strong motivator, and you sympathized with Mouse that far. The sudden click of a gun cocking interrupted your thoughts and you tensed, eyes narrowing as your heart stopped.

“You better think very carefully about your next words there, oh Leader.” Catcher. It wasn’t unusual for her to threaten your well being, but it was the first time she’d ever pointed a gun at you. You looked at her, noting her shaking hand despite her calm mask. The betrayal was raw, her dislike and mistrust of you obvious. “I’d hate to have to actually pull this.” You almost wished she’d pull the trigger, to take you out and finish the job Mouse had started. You’d been walking a thin line and everyone else in the room besides the ever silent Leo seemed to be willing to take serious risks to protect Mouse–even to the point of overthrowing you, it seemed. It hurt deeply, but if you were going to be taken out by your own then you would go sticking to your convictions. You smirked, taunting Catcher despite knowing that she’d probably miss if she did try to shoot you.

“Pull the trigger. You’ll probably hit Mouse by accident. You couldn’t even hit a barn with that, I’ve seen you practice, you have terrible aim,” you continued taunting, testing her resolve. Catcher growled, but backed down with a glare. “Good choice.” You glanced down at the girl on the screen in your hand once more before surveying the room again. Leo was on edge ready to jump Catcher. N had drawn back, brow knit in disapproval and caution. And Ravi–Ravi looked like he was ready to side with Catcher. Mutiny was definitely on the menu if you didn’t clarify soon.

“And I did say hardly,” you reiterated and meaning it. Having personally sought out revenge for your father, you could understand how family ties could motivate one to do stupid things. But her motives to save her family would only spare her her life. When your eyes fell on Mouse, she struggled to maintain your gaze. “And even if this kid is the reason for all this trouble, I still want the little Rat to watch. That way she will know what happens to vermin who dare to overstep.” The color drained from Mouse’s face at your declaration, the reaction satisfying some of your anger.

“You’re not putting her in that room,” Ravi protested, his tone making it clear he wouldn’t budge on this, causing your anger to flare up again. “I’m serious.” You shifted your glare to him. His jaw was set, his eyes dark and angry, and he didn’t flinch under your glare. You wouldn’t win this argument, not with him being so bullheaded and Catcher on a warpath.

“ _Fine_ , tie her to a chair in here then for all I care,” you conceded, pointing at the Rat. “But you will make _sure_ that she doesn’t miss the slightest little whimper I tear from that worm’s throat, you hear?”

“I’ll stay in here and make sure she watches,” N offered, crossing to Mouse and dragging her to a chair, the action swiftly ending the debate and cutting the tension in the room significantly. When he started to strap Mouse down, you turned away.

You glared at the floor, anger still simmering. Ravi seemed to care more about her well being and her sister than his actual duties. You’d thought that it couldn’t have gotten worse than dating a cop or sex-bought information with a side of ignorant betrayal, but Ravi _had_ to trump that. He just _had_ to go and fuck the spy that laid the groundwork for your assassination. He just _had_ to sympathize with her, to defend and protect and _shield_ her from you, to betray your trust in him. And to top it all off, Catcher was about ready to revolt, N was ambiguously in the middle, and Leo hadn’t stepped in at all. Though he’d kept quiet, you knew he probably felt sorry for Mouse’s sister at the very least.

“Alright, I’m here. Let’s get this party sta–” You snapped your eyes to the door, Hongbin’s voice grabbing your attention. He stopped in his tracks just inside the room, staring over at where N had taken Mouse. “What’s she doing here?”

“So, at least someone was kept as much in the dark as I was,” you scoffed. “Meet the spy Block B sent. You can thank her for my hospital stay. She’s been spilling dirt about our security and my schedule for two years. But she also apparently helped us catch Taeil,” you explained, words icey. Hongbin brushed past you, expression livid.

“What the _hell_ , Mouse?!” he yelled at her. Yet another person who knew of her existence and probably sympathized with her. Wonderful. You tuned him out, crossing your arms over your chest with fists clenched and crossing into one of the corners of the room to wait until he was done.

“It’s no use yelling at her, Hongbin, she made her choice,” Catch interrupted Hongbin, silencing the room. You looked over to see her setting up a camera among other things. “Come see me after, I’ll tell you everything.” The light on the camera blinked red and she moved away. Brushing her hands off on her pants, she looked over at you. “I’m leaving, just remember to turn the camera off when you’re done.” You rolled your eyes and looked away, not caring to watch Catcher leave, not even really wanting to look at her anymore after what she did.

“Sweetheart, look at me,” Ravi directed softly from across the room. You looked over to study his actions, finding he’d kneeled in front of Mouse. “Anything you want to tell us before we start?” When she didn’t answer, he sighed. “Alright, listen carefully. Do you know anything that can help us bring them down?” At least he wasn’t letting her completely off, but she still refused to answer. “ _Mouse_ ,” he growled in frustration.

“I have nothing more to say,” Mouse finally spoke, voice steady but barely so.

“Fine,” Ravi huffed, standing up and turning to N, greatly displeased with her silence if the way his shoulders were set were anything to go by. He could have gone harder on her to get the information, she didn’t look hard to break, but he sympathized with her too much to do that, and it made you grit your teeth. “She better be here when we’re done, don’t let her out of your sights.” N scoffed at the order, closing up at it and rolling his eyes. At least he was frustrated enough with her to comply with your wishes now.

“Yeah, yeah, we’ll have a jolly good time, right, Mouse?” N said dryly, looking down at Mouse. When she didn’t react to him, he pinched his nose and turned back to Ravi. “This isn’t going to end well, Ravi. You do know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know,” Ravi said icily, moving away from Mouse and N and over to you. “Leader-nim, whenever you’re ready.”

“You finished wooing your little Rat then?” you couldn’t help the barb, still frustrated by the whole situation. You pushed off the wall and approached Ravi. “Nothing more she wants to share with the rest of the class?”

“Stop that, you already know this is going to break her, don’t add fuel,” Ravi snapped, breaking the last little piece of trust you had in him regarding your own well being, the betrayal deeply personal now. You narrowed your eyes at him, scoffing. You didn’t _care_ if it broke her, she was instrumental in orchestrating the assassination attempt. She could break into a hundred pieces, for all you cared. _She’d_ aided in breaking your body.

“You’re right. It’s not like I almost died in your arms a few weeks ago because of her actions or anything. And it’s not like you had a job to do either.” Your mind was ripping apart and all you wanted to do was rip someone else apart. You turned away from Ravi before he could properly retaliate, practically stomping across the room in your anger. Leo and Ravi fell in step behind you.

“Hongbin, be ready for the signal,” you called out, a hum his only response. You turned to the door to the interrogation room, more than ready to beat your frustration out on someone. “Leo, Ravi, let’s go. I think this little clown has waited long enough.”

You opened the door to to the interview room, walking in head held high and outer appearance calm despite the anger seething beneath your mask, steps mid-paced and even to emphasize the sound of your heels on the concrete. Taeil looked up at you with a smirk, his twisted smile growing when he saw Ravi flanking you. Then his expression dropped when the door slammed shut, Leo wandering behind the chair Taeil was tied to. He obviously hadn’t expected to see your old bodyguard, but he recovered soon enough.

“I was starting to think you’d forgotten me in here,” Taeil quipped. You sneered at the little cockroach, coming to a stop right in front of him, several feet back.

“How could I forget about you? We were just preparing you a proper welcome. You see, I don’t think my subordinate gave you a proper greeting, and VIXX likes to treat its guests with the proper amount of respect,” you addressed him, stepping forward and catching his chin, tilting it up so you could stare into his eyes. “And considering what Block B’s been up to lately, that’s not a lot.” Your tone turned dark, all neutrality seeping out of your features as you spit on his face. Taeil flinched but kept his calm, staring up at you with an amused grin.

“I didn’t expect to be greeted by you, Nixe. I’m sad to see you’re doing so well,” he snarked back, pulling a laugh from your lips.

“That hitman was shitty. Did you honestly expect him to succeed? I killed him myself,” you replied, dampening his smile. “You know why you’re here, so who better to question you than myself?” you continued, releasing his chin and back handing him. The force of the slap dislodged his glasses and he shook his head to get them back in place, nose scrunched up at the pain. “Now, you’re going to answer our questions, and if you don’t talk, I’ll cripple your body,” you pressed your finger to his sternum, then dragged it slowly down to his crotch, tapping it with a smile, “and your pride.” He shifted in the chair, staring down at your hand. “Now, let’s start with an easy one. What are Block B’s motives with your recent actions?”

“Throw your worst at me, it won’t make a difference, I’m not talking” he boasted, the challenge igniting flames inside you and turning your grin twisted. He didn’t know how dangerous that taunt was given the especially fowl mood you were in.

“They won’t even recognize you when I’m done with you if you don’t start answering soon,” you challenged right back, tone amused but deadly serious. “Now, you have one more chance to answer before I start having fun. What are Block B’s motives?” He spit at you in reply. “Fine, have it your way. We’ll soften you up with the whip first. How about we start with twenty lashes?” His eyes widened as you stepped back and headed towards the instrument table against the wall. “Chain him to the cross,” you ordered Ravi and Leo as you looked over the various whipping tools available to you. There was a barbed cat-o’-nine-tails, but you selected the standard whip instead, leaving the more extreme weapon for once he’d been broken in more.

Taeil struggled, whining and thrashing as Ravi and Leo dragged him across the room to the saltire cross attached to the wall across from the viewing window. You watched languidly from the table as they cuffed him, face to the wall, spreadeagle. Snatching a knife from the table and pocketing a pair of gloves, you approached him. You cut through his shirt, letting it fall open to reveal his back. Handing the knife over to Leo, you stepped back and cracked the whip, watching him flinch.

With a deep breath, you raised the whip and began, counting out ten strokes in your head, ignoring the pain in your shoulder and purposely holding back enough not to break skin. Your technique was sloppier than you’d liked, the decreased range of motion in your shoulder making the blows harder than usual to place exactly where you wanted. On the eleventh strike you let loose, Taeil screaming as it cut through his skin. The sound was deeply satisfying, chipping away slightly at the frustrations that had built up in you earlier. You continued with that amount of force until you reached twenty. Blood dripped from the fine web of slash marks, oozing down his back. Taeil panted, catching his breath.

“I’ll ask again. What are Block B’s motives for attacking VIXX?” You counted to forty, and when he hadn’t answered or made an attempt to speak, you cracked the whip. “Ten more.” You served the stated punishment and counted to sixty. When he failed to respond, you struck him five more times, the pain in your shoulder flaring up nastily. Lowering your arm to wait, you rolled your shoulder, bringing your left up to check the wound. Ravi and Leo looked at you with concern but you ignored them. Ravi could go fuck himself if he was going to become concerned about your well being after everything that happened earlier.

“Get me the nine-tails,” you directed Leo, holding the whip out to him. The sudden flare of anger over Ravi and uncooperative prisoners required a different weapon to help soothe you. He nodded, taking it from your hand. You stepped forward, blowing air onto the wounds on Taeil’s upper back as you put on the gloves, thoroughly satisfied with the way he tensed and attempted to stifle a whimper. “Hurts doesn’t it? If you don’t start answering, it’s only going to get worse,” you warned.

“Like I can’t handle this level,” Taeil snorted, voice shaking with the pain. Leo handed you the nine-tails whip. Licking your lips, you repositioned yourself, and raised your arm.

“More fun for me then,” you taunted, aiming the blow for Taeil’s kidney. The barbs caught and ripped his skin, drawing the loudest scream from him yet. _That_ was better, _just_ the noise you’d wanted to hear. You stepped forward, digging your gloved fingers into the fresh wounds, making him hiss. “Want to answer yet? No?” You didn’t wait for him to respond and stepped back, snapping the whip against his back twice more.

After he failed to answer another prompt, you struck him three more times, his continued silence pissing you off more. The last strike hit especially hard on his other kidney, digging in deep. Pain seared through your shoulder, the last strikes going beyond what you should have been doing. You’d been so caught up in your rage, you’d lost yourself and got carried away. Cringing and stepping back you motioned to Hongbin through the window that your shoulder was shot. Hongbin was probably furious at you for pushing so far, but you weren’t about to walk out for immediate care in the middle of everything. Leo brushed your left shoulder, moving around you, asking if you were ok with his eyes. You nodded, stepping away from him to scoff at Taeil.

“Stubborn little cockroach to push through the tenderization,” you growled, walking to the instrument table to put the whip back. “Take him down. I’m not ready to skin him yet.” Schooling your features and putting your mask back in place, you stood up straight. Ravi and Leo dragged Taeil back across the room, the captive struggling much less this time. Ravi shoved him down into the chair, the force great enough to cause him to scream when his wounds met the metal. Leo immediately swooped down and secured Taeil’s hands on the armrests, holding them down as Ravi tied. You stepped forward as they pulled back from Taeil.

“If you can’t even answer the simple questions, you’re in for a lot,” you said blandly. You gripped his chin, tilting his head back to stare down into his eyes. “Let’s try this again, and you’re gonna answer my question this time. What are Block B’s motives for attacking VIXX?” Taeil grinned through the pain.

“To take over the city, of course,” he answered mockingly, but given Block B’s general insanity, it was probably the truth worded in a way he thought you wouldn’t take seriously.

“Like anyone would let you,” you laughed. You released his chin, grabbing his hair and jerking him forward. “So why VIXX first? We easy picking? You saw what we did to NU’EST and BTS.”

“You’re annoying,” Taeil replied, bursting out into laughter. You sneered, gripping his hair tighter and getting into his face.

“Good,” you hissed, a twisted smirk growing on your face. You shoved him back, reveling in the hiss that left his mouth. Stepping away, you circled the chair, heels resounding in the air along with his attempts to hide the pain. “Where’s the next attack planned to happen?” Taeil scoffed, refusing to answer. You stopped behind him, grabbing his hair and thrashing him against the chair. “What was that?” He remained silent. You backhanded him.

“Back to not talking now?” you asked, tone challenging. “You’re right handed, right?” You took his hand from where it was tied to the chair arm and stroked it. “Then let’s make it so you can’t use this lovely little hand of yours.” Dropping his hand, you crossed to the table of instruments and grabbed a set of pliers. You crouched down in front of him and brought the pliers to the fingernail on his index finger. Clamping down on the nail and steadying his hand with your free one, you pulled. The nail gave way slowly, causing you to twist and turn the pliers while yanking to get it off, Taeil screaming all the while. When it came off, you grabbed his chin with your left hand, slamming his head with a tight grip. His eyes widened as you waved the nail in front of his face. You dropped the nail in his lap.

“Ready to talk yet? No? Then we’ll keep ripping.” You held the pliers out. “Ravi,” you beckoned, knowing you didn’t have the grip or leverage to carry out the torture given your shoulder pain and that picking him would fuck with the little Rat watching outside. The pliers disappeared from your hands, threatening to make you smile in satisfaction.

“Yes, Leader-nim,” Ravi agreed. You glanced back at him, watching him lower to his knees obediently and take Taeil’s middle finger. At least his emotions weren’t getting in the way now. Crawling into Taeil’s lap, you kept a firm grip on his chin, tilting his head back and bringing your other hand to his forehead to press down and make the position more uncomfortable for him. All your weight rested on his thighs, increasing his discomfort. “Don’t even think about closing your eyes, scum.”

At your words Ravi must have started pulling, a whining scream leaving Taeil’s mouth. His eyes snapped shut, and you immediately removed your hand from his forehead to slap and shake him. Ravi tapped your shoe as Taeil’s whine subsided, letting you know he’d pulled the nail off. You waited a minute, calling Leo over and directing him to hold Taeil’s head back from behind. Leo in place, Ravi pulled the next nail as you trailed your hand down Taeil’s neck with just enough pressure to be threatening. When Ravi tapped on your shoe, you let up on his neck and waited.

“Well? Are you going to tell me or are we taking another nail?” you prompted. After a minute of silence, you tightened your grip enough to make it slightly difficult for Taeil to breathe, annoyed at his continued resistance, and Ravi moved onto the next finger. The process repeated until all ten of his fingernails were removed.

“You’re making this fun for me, aren’t you?” You grinned, getting off Taeil as Ravi dropped the pliers to the floor and stood up. You took a small hammer from the table and returned to Taeil. You held out the tool to Leo, motioning for him to come around. Leo took the tool, crouching down beside Taeil. “Ravi, come hold his hand still,” you directed. Ravi nodded, leaning down and forcing Taeil to splay his fingers. “Want to answer now?” You gave Taeil ten seconds. “Leo.” Leo brought the hammer down swift and hard, smashing Taeil’s index finger with a sick crack. When he still didn’t answer, Leo raised the hammer again, bringing it down on Taeil’s middle finger. “I don’t know, Leo, I don’t think that time was hard enough. Do it again.”

“Gladly,” Leo smirked, bringing the hammer down on Taeil’s middle finger again. He was obedient and swift as always, easing some of your discomfort with him that had arisen before. Getting to break Taeil was probably as satisfying for him as it was for you, given his protectiveness over you. His zeal made you want to step up the game.

“You gonna tell me about the next targets, now?” you asked Taeil. He remained quiet. Another finger smashed. “Or maybe you aren’t answering because they don’t tell you all the plans.” Crack. “Does Zico even trust you enough to tell you about the escapades the others plan?” Ravi and Leo switched sides, leaving Taeil’s thumb in tact. Leo cracked two fingers, drawing a howl from the cockroach. “Pathetic, little Taeil. Left in the dark and caught by the enemy.” Crack, crack. “Must feel horrible to realize how useless you’re becoming.” Taeil started cackling.

“I’m not useless,” he laughed, best he could through all the pain. “I plan _all_ the attacks. There’s three in the next week, but I’m not telling you where or when.” His laughter grew higher pitched.

“Like they’ll actually happen without you there to orchestrate things,” you taunted.

“I don’t need to be. They’ll happen whether you like it or not,” he laughed. You narrowed your eyes, studying him closely. “Good luck running around trying to stop them.”

“Who says we’re going to?” you asked, stepping slowly around to his side and getting in his face.

“Because your people are gonna die soon if you don’t,” he reminded you with a smile. Whether it was a bluff or not, you weren’t going to give in and show him any weakness. The others in the observation room would take care of looking into it anyway.

“I don’t believe you.” The words came out dull, eyes half lidded in boredom.

“Your loss.”

“Tell me about Block B’s head quarters.”

“It’s a real fun place,” Taeil answered with a smirk.

“You think that’s enough to appease me? Toes!” You snapped with the command, Ravi and Leo repositioning themselves. Ravi grabbed the pliers and ripped the nail off Taeil’s big toe. “Keep talking.” He didn’t answer. “Not ready? Fine.” You tapped Leo on the shoulder, who smashed the hammer onto Taeil’s bloody toe. They continued down the line of toes, switching out without pause until tears of pain streaked Taeil’s face. He was close to cracking.

“I’ll bite my tongue off before I talk,” Taeil mumbled. You laughed at the bluff, getting back in his face.

“You think I care if you die? Go ahead and bite your tongue. If I can’t get the information from you, I’ll capture members of Block B one by one and torture them until you’re all dead or I get the information I want. It’s not like they’ll want you back when I’m done with you anyway.” He turned his head away, attempting and failing to not let the words get to him. “Now tell me about Block B’s business ventures.” He stayed tight lipped. You stepped back, circling around him again with slow steps.

“Leader-nim, what do you want us to do now?” Ravi asked.

“Stand him up and prostrate him on the bench. Strip him of the rest of his clothes while you’re at it,” you directed, swiftly moving away from him and approaching the table of instruments. You picked up a small case and took it to the bench, motioning for Hongbin to enter the interrogation room as Ravi and Leo dragged Taeil to the bench. “I suggest you start talking now because the next thing to go will be your balls, and we won’t be using anesthesia.”

You sat down at the other end of the bench, handing the case off to Hongbin. He came behind Taeil, getting to his knees and opening the case. He pulled out a bottle of sanitizing fluid and used some to clean his hands before snapping on a pair of latex gloves. Taking a cotton ball, he began to clean Taeil’s scrotum. Taeil swallowed, staring at the bench with terrified eyes. You smirked reaching out to play with his hair.

“Our doctor here is excellent at this procedure. He’s performed it dozens of times, you see. He’s perfected it like an art. He can make it relatively quick or _excruciatingly_ long,” you prattered, snatching his glasses off his face. Dropping them to the ground, you stepped on them. The glass cracked under your heel. “I’ve already taken your nimble little fingers from you and fucked up your feet. Now it’s time to take what makes you a man. What do you say, Doctor? Are you ready?”

Hongbin gave you a thumbs up. A giggle rolled past your lips, the abject terror flying across Teail’s face as Hongbin pressed a scalpel to his scrotum and broke skin the most satisfying thing. Taeil whined, hands fisting and tears strolling down his face.

“ _I’ll talk_ ,” he cried. “I’ll talk, I’ll _talk_ , just get him _away from my balls._ ”

“Oh? So you’ll cooperate now? I don’t believe you,” you taunted.

“I _will_. Anything you want to know, I’ll spill,” he pleaded. You crossed your legs, reaching out to play with his hair.

“Doctor, hold off for now,” you ordered, Hongbin pulling away with a relieved look on his face. “Good little cockroach,” you cooed at Taeil. “Now start talking, or else that scalpel’s coming back.”


	4. Ashes ~Part 3

“That’s enough,” you announced. “At least for now.” You stood from the bench, hours of pulling information from Taeil passed. The pain medicine had worn off, making the pain in your shoulder strong enough to threaten your cool mask. You had to get out. “Leave him like that,” you directed, heading for the door.

Hongbin snapped the medical kit closed and followed you quickly. He’d been wanting to leave for a while, reluctant to even be in the interrogation room in the first place. Ravi gave Taeil a well placed slap on the back then followed, Leo bringing up the rear and closing the door to the interrogation room behind him. The moment the door was closed, you jerked off your gloves and collapsed to your knees, clutching at your shoulder.

“ _Fuck_ ,” you groaned, sucking in a deep breath. Leo pushed past the others, kneeling down beside you and hovering.

“You should have let someone else do the whipping,” he scolded gently. You glared at him. You weren’t going to give _that_ particular bit away, especially considering that, to your knowledge, N was the only one present that could place a strike as well as you wanted. You had no interest in seeing him execute the skills that drove Lee Jiyeon wild. Besides, whipping was therapeutic. Hongbin kneeled down in front of you and shooed Leo back. N had stood up, watching with concern from his chair but not other wise moving.

“You _fucking idiot_ ,” Hongbin scolded. “Don’t be so careless with your body. It wasn’t worth keeping up the appearance.” He moved your hand away from your shoulder, fingers finding the buttons on your shirt. He unbuttoned the shirt half way, pushing it off your shoulder so he could inspect the wound. “You’ve been zoning in and out the last half hour and Taeil’s been so out of it he probably didn’t notice.” Satisfied with the fact that you hadn’t managed to tear the wound open on the outside, he pulled your shirt back up. He took your arm and tested it’s range of motion, using your winces as a damage gauge. “I’m tempted to not even give you pain meds after that stunt.” You grabbed him by the collar and pulled him close.

“Give them to me _now_ ,” you hissed. “The strongest damn thing you have.” His eyes were wide, affronted, but he nodded, gently removing your hands to get at the case of supplies he brought with him. He handed you the requested pills and you downed them dry, slumping onto Leo as you redid the buttons on your shirt and waited for the meds to kick in. Leo pulled you in close, cradling you in his arms.

“Please be more careful from now on,” Leo scolded softly, beginning to stroke your hair.

“Yeah, yeah,” you groaned, shifting so you were in a more comfortable position, but letting him do as he pleased. After everything that happened earlier, you needed the comforting, brotherly embrace–had needed it for almost two years, on lookers be damned. Between the fighting earlier and the interrogation, you were mentally exhausted. Not to mention Leo likely also needed the comfort. Torture was draining and he had to readjust to operating with you. He could hold you until the pain meds kicked in.

“We certainly got a lot out of him,” Ravi changed the subject, tone exhausted. You couldn’t see him from where you were in Leo’s arms, but you could clearly make out his state from his voice. “Though I wished he’d talked sooner. I didn’t need the image of his ass and balls burned into the back of my eyes.”

The nonchalance of Ravi’s words after everything that happened before the interrogation set you to boil again. No sooner had your fists clenched and your shoulders stiffened, did Leo shift, his hand coming to a still on the back of your neck. He made a small sound in the back of his throat and you realized that Leo was almost as angry as you’d been earlier. Maybe it wouldn’t take as long to rebuild the deep fluid bond you’d had in the past as you thought it would. Seeking out his sympathy, you snuggling into Leo’s shoulder and slowly let out a deep breath.

“You’re going to have to refresh me on the important parts later,” you groaned, managing to keep your anger in check. “The pain sent me drifting, and it became more important to get answers out of him than to retain anything he said.” Ravi sighed.

“Catch can do that after she’s gone through everything,” he said. You bristled at the mention of her and the tone of voice he was using. Leo’s grip on you tightened ever so slightly. “She’ll probably be able to tell what’s really important and what’s not.” And you didn’t have that capacity? You wanted to get up and smack him, crippling pain or not, but Leo physically held you in check.

“What about the planned attacks?” Hongbin piped up.

“What did Mouse have to say about them?” you asked, pressing back from Leo a bit.

“When you asked the first time, she confirmed that he wasn’t lying, but she didn’t tell us anything about the plans,” N answered. “And she was unresponsive when you asked him the second time.”

“We know the locations now, so we’re going to stop them right?” Hongbin asked, tone clearly showing his concern for the aftermath of the bombs.

“We won’t. We’ll let them go off as planned,” you ordered, voice hard. You hated to have to let the attacks happen, but it was the most effective thing to do to avoid more trouble.

“But people’ll get hurt, will probably _die_ ,” Hongbin protested harshly. You pushed away from Leo more, turning to glare up at him.

“We’re in for a lot more death and injured if we stop the attacks and Block B realizes _we_ were the ones that snatched Taeil,” you hissed. “We’ll minimize the losses by getting word out to avoid the areas the bombs are planted.” You looked Ravi square in the eye. “Tell your people to avoid those areas because of word that cops are snooping around.” You turned your gaze to N. “You too.”

“Right,” Ravi agreed. “But it’ll only work for a few days.”

“If enough people are stupid enough, I’ll call in some favors. The place where the first bomb is planted will probably draw police attention anyway,” you grumbled. You hated when the police did get involved–they were such a pain in the ass, and Birdie wasn’t working to set them off your tails anymore.

“Right… and what are we going to do with Taeil?” Ravi asked, glancing over at the window.

“We’ll keep him for about a week. Rough him up a bit more before dumping him on neutral territory away from VIXX lines,” you explained shortly.

“He’ll probably get an infection and might die if you wait that long,” Hongbin stated, tone very slightly a protest of just leaving him. You wrinkled your nose, leaning back into Leo’s embrace.

“If you’re so worried about him, go back in in a few hours and treat his wounds enough that he doesn’t die,” you ordered dryly.

“Block B’ll probably rip into him more when they pick him up and realize he’s spilled information,” N said darkly.

“Good,” you murmured into Leo’s shoulder, not loud enough for anyone else but him to hear. He resumed rubbing your back, as if attempting to pacify you. Hongbin sighed dejectedly.

“If we’re done talking, I’m going to untie Mouse, now,” N said, tone exhausted despite not having done much other than rangle Mouse. You grunted, wrinkling your nose and snuggling closer to Leo. As N addressed the traitor of a Rat, you tuned everything out. You didn’t want to hear them coddle her, which they most likely would since she’d been completely silent since you’d entered the room.

“It’s going to be ok,” Leo murmured. You took a shaky breath at his words.

“Doesn’t feel like it,” you replied, keeping your voice low as well.

“No one’s purposely trying to hurt you,” Leo defended the others. You huffed, about to reply when there was a clatter and panicked footsteps.

“ _Shit_ ,” you heard Ravi hiss. You pushed away from Leo and barely caught sight of Mouse running out the door. You felt your blood boiling at the sight of her escaping, but at least she was trapped in the lower basement–a maze of hallways that wouldn’t be easy to navigate in her panic.

“What the _hell_ ,” Ravi hissed.

“She didn’t seem like she was gonna run,” N defended himself, and the next thing you registered was Ravi running out the door after her, yelling to her back.

“The _fuck_?” you yelled, getting to your feet. “Ravi, you fucking _idiot_ , if you’re gonna insist on keeping that Rat alive, _control_ your goddamned _prisoner!_ ” you hollered after him, but he was already gone from sight by the time they were out of your mouth, and you doubted that he heard you.

“Leader, calm down, that’s what he’s trying to do,” N defended Ravi. You spun on your heel to face him, fists clenched tight and nails digging into your palms. He’d crossed the room and wasn’t very far behind you, probably having started to chase after Mouse, but left her to Ravi.

“She shouldn’t have been left in a position where she could have escaped like that,” you hissed at him.

“She _knows_ she’s done for if she runs, but I think watching what went down sent off her flight reflexes,” N insisted.

“Mouse was unresponsive. I didn’t expect her to bolt like that when Ravi came over,” Hongbin added. “He’ll have her caught soon enough. I don’t think she can navigate her way out of here in the state she’s in.”

“No use brooding over spilt milk,” Leo sighed, standing up. “At least she served her punishment.” You deflated at the words. Served it she had, but it didn’t mean the others could let their guard down around her.

“We got the information we needed out of Taeil. I’m going to drop by Catch’s office and check around HQ to see if anyone needs me before coming back down to deal with Taeil,” Hongbin sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Call me if anything comes up.” You watched him leave, jaw clenched tight. When he got a fair way down the hall, you turned to look back at N, Hongbin’s words about Taeil reminding you of N’s involvement in kidnapping the clown. Even after what had happened the night you returned to HQ, he’d put forth the effort to get back on your good side–and this time he’d given you what could be the key to ending the mess with Block B. You could feel your pain meds kicking in, and it made you want to do something that was probably stupid: reward N.

“ _You_ ,” you growled, gripping N’s shirt and pulling him close, “are coming with _me._ ” You dropped his shirt and and grabbed his arm, yanking him towards the door to the hallway and leaving Leo behind. He followed without resistance and you dragged him to the room you’d kicked him out to. Up until his betrayal, he’d slept in your quarters whenever he was back at HQ and not at his office, but you’d ceremoniously tossed all his belongings out and moved him to a room in the basement where he’d stayed ever since. “Open it,” you barked, yanking him forward to the door.

“Yes, Leader-nim,” he obeyed, getting his keys out and unlocking the door. You hussled him inside once it was open, closing and locking it behind you. His apartment-like rooms were messy, his things strewn across the room, likely because he couldn’t be bothered to clean on days he put in long hours.

“It’s a dump in here,” you observed blandly.

“If you give me a few minutes I can clean it up for you, if you want,” N offered, slipping off his shoes before walking further in.

“Don’t bother,” you grumbled, slipping out of your heels. “Just get on your knees.” He looked back at you, eyes lighting up as he turned and slowly lowered himself down.

“Does this mean I’m forgiven?” he dared to ask, causing you to frown as you stepped closer to him. You threaded your hand into his hair and stared into his eyes, suddenly overwhelmed by memories.

“No,” you stated simply, pushing everything else from your mind the best you could. “A reward.”

“A reward?” he asked tentatively, eyes dimming in disappointment.

“Thanks to you, we got a lot of good information today. Ravi’s been too blinded to get any useful information out of that Rat, it seems. And Catcher’s too concerned about her. But you managed to get her to spill about Taeil and then captured him. Because of that, I’ll overlook you siding with Mouse and give you a little more reward.” You tugged his head back, exposing his neck. The more you stared down at him, the more uncertain you became that this was a good idea, that letting him in even just a little was a good idea. “Besides, you were probably wishing it was you tied up and getting whipped earlier, right?” Though you said those words in a confident tone, you weren’t entirely sure they were true at all. The tapes had destroyed any confidence you had in his bedroom preferences. You weren’t sure that he hadn’t just been appeasing you for years as you developed your interests on him.

“I did,” he breathed, eyes filling with desire. He swallowed before continuing. “I miss the way you used to tell me you loved me with the whip and flogger.” You tensed, wholly uneased by the statement. You’d never once said the words to him, had only admitted it aloud once to Leo and Birdie, but he knew. “You’re the only one I’ve ever trusted enough to let whip me,” he dared to continue, hand coming up to yours. You searched his eyes, chest tightening.

“You’ve always flitted around from woman to woman, like a butterfly to flowers.” You swallowed thickly. “I’m just another of those flowers.”

“You’re _not_ just a flower,” N insisted. “You mean everything to me. I love you so much, I’m driven to do stupid things. I made a mistake, but that doesn’t mean I stopped loving you.” You felt your anger rising at the statement and gripped his hair tighter.

“Those tapes don’t lie, N. They’ve haunted me everyday since I heard them,” you bit out, voice threatening to break down. “You _knew_ we were trying to get pregnant when you started fucking Lee Jiyeon. Once or twice I could understand, but there were seven times _just in your office_.”

“It was a mistake. Seducing her was the easiest way to get the information and connections that I needed after she approached me. Unfortunately, it got out of hand and she started using the relationship as a way to get what leverage she could out of me for her own gain. And then Ren stepped in, getting impatient when things slowed down,” N explained.

“They knew you were my lover, practically everyone with information did,” you frowned, your sex drive plummeting.

“She was enjoying it too much. I got fucked over and my own tactics were used against me. I’m really not lying when I tell you I had no attachments to her.” You scoffed, shaking his hand off and releasing his hair.

“It still doesn’t change the fact that you enjoyed fucking her more than you’ve ever enjoyed being with me,” you sighed, turning away. “We’re done here. Letting you explain was reward enough.” You moved to put your heels back on but he grabbed your arm, pulling you back into a tight hug from behind.

“If you want me to be loud, I’ll be as loud as you want,” he pleaded against your hair, voice shaking. “I’ve always just held it back. You never seemed to like it much when I got too loud.”

“Let me go, N. This conversation is over,” you ordered, bringing your hands up to his to try to pry him off.

“I let you walk away before and lost you. I haven’t been working my ass off these last couple of years just to let you go.” His tone was firm, determined and he squeezed you tighter to him. You were overwhelmed, mind swimming. “Please don’t throw me away again.” He pressed a kiss to your temple, breath uneven and muscles still tense. You gripped his hands tighter, digging your nails into his hands, completely at a loss for what to do. You relaxed into his touch, giving in.

“I swear, if these are lies…” you murmured, releasing his hands.

“They’re not,” he breathed, pressing another kiss to your temple, hands beginning to wander south to your hips. He sunk down behind you, his movements slow and cautious, hands holding you in place. “Please take me back.” You bit your lip, wholly unsure of everything. But you knew you still had feelings for him, that they never died and that everything was still raw as much as you liked to tell yourself that your heart was dead. You hadn’t been able to move on, just like it seemed he hadn’t been able to. He pressed his head into the side of your leg, clinging to you desperately. You reached down, brushing the top of his hair.

“You’ve been a bad boy,” you murmured, unable to outright state your forgiveness, unsure that you were making a smart decision.

“If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t make the same mistake.”

“It still doesn’t change the fact that you made them in the first place.” There was a pause, and you heard him suck in a shaky breath as his fingers clenched then slowly released your legs. You looked down, just barely catching his tear filled eyes. “You need to be punished.” The words came out sorrowfully, quietly, filled with hurt. But your next words were more firm: “Take off your clothes. Worship me until all my doubts are gone.”

His head snapped up, wide eyed gaze meeting yours, filled with disbelief and excitement. He pulled back, hands flying to the buttons on his shirt, making quick work of them. He shrugged the garment off and tugged the white tank top he wore underneath off as well. You turned to face him properly, watching as he unfastened his jeans and wiggled out of them, tossing his socks aside as well. He looked up at you, standing up as he slid his briefs off. He’d lost some weight, likely from the stress of working so hard.

“Aren’t you supposed to be worshiping me?” you asked when he didn’t move. He swallowed, lips pursing as he thought. He stepped forward cautiously, reaching for the buttons on your shirt. He went much slower undressing you, reverently taking in each swatch of skin revealed as he moved down your shirt. With a careful caress of his hands, he pushed the shirt off your shoulders. Trailing his hands over your body and pushing it further down your arms, he sank to his knees, expression turning distressed. He pressed his forehead to your stomach, fingers roving over your ribs.

“Dammit,” he hissed, fingers coming to a still. “How could you let yourself get like this?” His voice was trembling and you were almost certain he was about to cry again. You were taken aback, moved by his sorrow, almost guilty feeling and ashamed at how you’d wasted away. Your clothes hid most of it, but your face had been a telltale sign, though no one had dared to mention your weight loss in more than passing, never making the statement sound negative. Not even Hyuk. Though it wasn’t like you were skin and bones, you’d forced yourself to eat enough to maintain your muscles and some endurance so you could work properly. But you’d lost enough weight that it was probably something you should have been more concerned about.

“I was worse before Hongbin got to me,” you murmured cautiously after several long moments. “Didn’t really help that I was shot through the bowels either, but I’ve been trying to eat properly.”

“Ravi said you were too light when he carried you,” N breathed out shakily. “You can’t get better like this.” A small smile tugged at the corner of your lips for a brief moment.

“Hongbin said the same thing.” You petted his head, swallowing. “It’s going to take time, so why don’t you just get back to the task at hand. Aren’t you supposed to be worshipping me?” You wanted him to pull you out from the grave you’d buried yourself in, to remind you it was ok to be human and selfish.

“Right,” N mumbled, collecting himself and pulling back. His hands came to your belt and unfastened it, fingers immediately setting to work at your pants. You let your clothes fall to the ground, catching N’s chin and tugging him back up. You pulled him into a kiss as his fingers began fumbling with your bra hooks. Sliding your hand between you, you pinched at the skin under his belly button, trailing down to the base of his cock and enjoying the way he moaned into your mouth. He pushed your bra straps down, pulling back to remove it completely.

He ghosted his fingers over the wound on your chest, leaning down and pressing tender kisses to it, hand sliding down to cup your breast. You sighed, threading your hand back into his hair and gripping it tight from the roots, pushing him lower until he met your stomach wound and gave it the same tender attention as he stripped your panties off. His touch heated you up, making you want to get lost in him completely. Tugging him along by his hair, you moved towards the wall. As soon as your back hit the wall, you hooked your leg over his shoulder, pulling him closer.

“You know what to do,” you directed, moaning when his lips connected with your inner thigh and his hands stroked your outer thighs. He kissed in, burying his face in you and lingering on your clit for a few delicious moments. When his tongue lapped over your entrance, you couldn’t control the whine that left your throat, other hand finding his hair as his hands slid up to grab your ass and shift you so you were easier to access. His tongue pressed in and you lost it, clawing his scalp and pushing his face to you more, losing your self to the magic of his tongue.

“ _Fuck_ , just like that,” you moaned. “Such a good boy, just like that.” He hummed at the praise sending shocks through your body. His fingers found your clit, working it until he pushed you up and over with a whining moan, clenching around him as he worked you through it, heightening your climax as much as he could. When you finally came down completely from the high, he pulled back slightly, kissing your thigh down to your knees. You caught sight of his needy state, still hazed and collecting yourself. He was hard and weeping, patiently waiting to be allowed to stick it in.

“Condom…” you moaned, pushing him away. “We’re not fucking without one.” His eyes widened with disappointment and panic, mouth opening slightly in protest. You shoved him further away. “I don’t know where your dirty dick has been all this time. Get a fucking condom,” you growled, voicing only the tip of your worries. You didn’t want to chance another pregnancy, didn’t know if you could handle being in that situation again. He scrambled towards his bedroom, completely out of sight. Left alone, you relaxed slightly, breathing deep and collecting yourself. He returned a few moments later, dropping a bottle of lube at your feet and hastily grabbing his clothes to redress in the bare minimum to be decent. You raised your eyebrow at his flurried panic, completely taken aback.

“Wait,” he pleaded, fussing with his jeans zipper and button, “I’ll be right back.” He threw on his undershirt and got barred by the lock on the door, hands almost shaking as he struggled to calm down enough to unlock the door. “Please don’t go anywhere,” he pleaded again, finally getting the door open and running out. You watched him disappear, rushing to close the door behind him. He’d been so panicked he hadn’t even bothered to pull it closed behind him or even put shoes on. You sighed, picking up the lube and going deeper into his apartment, clearing the couch off and sinking down while you waited.

N returned after ten minutes, but it felt so much longer. When his eyes met yours, they melted in relief. You stood, approaching him where he’d frozen in relief. He moved, meeting you halfway, falling to his knees, breathless and desperate, dropping half a dozen condoms on the floor as he reached out to touch your outer thighs.

“Ken…” he breathed, pausing to lick his lips and collect himself. “I had to get some from Ken. You kept all the condoms when you kicked me out,” he explained, still out of breath.

“But you had lube?” you asked incredulously. He flushed bright red, hands gripping your thighs tighter.

“F-for personal u-use,” he stuttered. You felt a wave of relief wash over you, reaching out to comb through his bright red hair. He hadn’t bothered buying more condoms, meaning he’d only kept the stock at his office.

“How cute,” you murmured, leaning down to kiss him. He returned the kiss eagerly, gripping your thighs tighter, as if he were afraid you’d still change your mind. You lowered down, breaking the kiss and ghosting your hands down to his shoulders. Hooking your fingers around his white tank top, you tugged it up. His hands left your thighs, flying to the hem of his shirt and pulling it up and over his head. Then his hands were on his jeans button, fumbling to get them undone again, but you rested your hands on top of his. He stilled, looking up at you with wide, questioning eyes.

“Fuck me with them on,” you ordered, staring straight into his eyes. He trembled with excitement, hand escaping yours to reach for the condoms between you as you unzipped his fly. He had himself sheathed in moments and fell back on his ass as you advanced on him, shifting together as you crawled on his lap and reached down to position him. The whimper that passed his lips as you lowered your hips down sent hot jolts through your body. His hands found your hips, fingers digging in desperately. You brought your arms around his neck, shifting until you found the position that put the least pressure on your stomach wound.

His lips found your neck, moaning into your flesh when he was buried all the way inside you, pressing tender kisses as you started a frantic pace. It felt good to be connected like this again, full of him, feeling his lips and desperate fingers. He met your hips the best he could with each thrust, as frantic as you were, hard and fast. It was only a few minutes before you both spilled over, your fingers clawing into his upper back and breaking skin, moaning together with tensed bodies. All you could do was cling, not wanting to let him go, not wanting to let the moment end.

“Take me to bed. I’m not done with you yet,” you whispered into his ear. He sucked in an excited breath, shifting you and sliding out. You wrapped your legs around his waist as he stood, hoisting you up, a couple condoms in hand. He was just as eager to continue as you were.

-.-.-.-.-

A crisp pop sounded through the air as you struck his chest with your left hand. His pecs were turning red and the way his face scrunched in pain and pleasure, hands curled tightly into the sheets, hips arched up to meets yours, drove you wild. You slapped him again, making sure to catch his nipple, riding him hard. He was far gone, lost in the sensation, your real name tumbling off his lips over and over as he begged for more. So you obliged, pushing you both up and over again, clawing your nails over his deliciously red chest and throwing your head back.

You let yourself collapse on top of him, clinging to him as he brought his hands around you and squeezed. You found his lips, kissing slow and lazy. You stayed like that for what felt like hours, turning cold as your body came down. Finally, you detangled yourself and rolled off so you could stare at his unfamiliar ceiling. His fingers laced with yours, squeezing tightly.

“Should we go for a third round?” he asked quietly, stroking your hand with his thumb.

“As much as I want to, I shouldn’t. I’ve already done way too much today,” you replied. “It’s gonna be a bitch when the pain meds start to wear off.” N laughed, releasing your hand and turning over onto his stomach after disposing of the condom, cradling his head in his arms and staring at you. You rolled over as well, propping yourself up on one arm and tracing your fingers over the phoenix on his back. It’d been so long since you’d seen it, but it was just as gorgeous as always. He hummed contentedly, closing his eyes.

“I love you,” he murmured, voice filled with sleep as he relaxed under your roaming fingers. You pursed your lips. Everything felt like a dream, a fragile and fleeting dream. You were waiting for it to turn sour, but it didn’t. N drifted off to sleep peacefully, his face angelic in its peace.

-.-.-.-.-

_N squeezed your hand, staring up at the neon signs of the buildings. It was about three in the morning and the city was starting to quiet down and get chilly. N knit his brows pensively, turning back to you with a frown._

_“All the hotels around here are run by my parents,” he said, voice tense. You scowled at him._

_“So?” you asked, shifting your weight on your leg impatiently._

_“They’ll strangle me if they find out.” You looked away from him, sighing in exasperation._

_“We’re adults, N. And don’t act like you haven’t taken girls back to VIXX run love hotels before.”_

_“I haven’t–”_

_“Last year you dated six girls, sometimes two at a time. Don’t play stupid with me.” you scolded, snapping your gaze back to him. He shrunk back slightly. “Don’t tell me you took them to enemy territory.” N sighed, looking away with a small shake of his head._

_“I never dated more than one girl at once,” he frowned, eyes narrowing at the accusation._

_“Then what about those two girls last June?” He bit his lip, turning away and closing his eyes._

_“Them… we weren’t dating.”_

_“Great. Sex friends. Where did you take them?”_

_“We usually went back to their place, but if family was a problem we’d do it… someplace else…” he explained, flushing._

_“Public sex?” you asked, amused. You hadn’t quite expected that, but after finding out that he’d weasled himself into another couple of pornos since he’d turned legal, you wouldn’t put it past him._

_“Of course not!” he almost yelled in his horror at the accusation, red to his ears. He tried to fan himself when he realized he’d drawn people’s gazes._

_“Then you took them to VIXX’s love hotels,” you said dryly. N brought his fingers to the bridge of his nose and squeezed, eyes shut tight as he tried to will his blush away._

_“They were different. I can’t take you. If my parents find out, they really will strangle me,” he explained._

_“Why?” you asked, hurt by his excuse._

_“Because you’re one of the candidates to be the next leader. Leader-nim is getting old and you know how tense things have been since his last hospitalization. My parents think of you like a daughter, but they don’t want me getting caught up in the succession fights if they start up,” he elaborated. You slipped your hand out from his, stepping back._

_“So you haven’t told them even though it’s been almost a two months…”_

_“I want to, I really do, but…” It hurt that he hadn’t told his family, but you understood his reasoning. The gang was in danger of the older generation fighting with the younger. Things had been running along more traditional means until now, but Leader-nim saw a need for making changes. Even though there were older candidates, he was leaning more in favor of the younger ones–especially after your father had been killed. He’d been the selected successor, the number two of the group. Older members had more enemies, and Leader-nim wanted to bring in a fresh slate if he could. Unfortunately, the decision had made you some enemies within the group, causing Leo to become hyper protective. The only reason he wasn’t by your side at the moment was because he trusted N. And it was no surprise that N’s family wanted to stay neutral._

_“Your dad put you in charge of a place, right? Then why can’t we go there?” you asked, pleading with your eyes. He opened his mouth to say something but balked. It was like he was finding excuses not to go through with it. “Forget it, the mood’s ruined,” you sighed. “I’m going back to HQ.” You walked past him, headed towards the train station._

_“Yaah! Nixe! Nixe, wait!” N called after you, grabbing your shoulder. You shrugged him off, staring coldly into his eyes as you whirled around. “If you go back to HQ alone, Leo’s going to kill me. You know he’s probably waiting for you to return.” You frowned, confirming your suspicion that he wasn’t too eager to jump in bed with you._

_“If you’d really didn’t want to, you should have just said so,” you pouted. You were the one that suggested going to a hotel from the club in the first place._

_“It’s not that I don’t want to…” N defended weakly, only setting your frown more firmly._

_“Then what’s the problem?” You asked sharply. He fidgeted looking down at your feet. “This isn’t about what happened a few months ago, is it?” It seemed so long ago, but it was logical that the incident still made people weary around you._

_A few months ago, you’d been kidnapped and almost raped by another member who was jealous over your successful dealings. You would be lying if you said it still didn’t haunt you from time to time, but you’d already gotten your revenge by publicly humiliating him and were ready to move on. It hadn’t been the first time a man you didn’t want touching you had assaulted you and you’d doubted it would be the last given the line of work you’d chosen. N looked up at you, swallowing. He took your hand and started dragging you towards an alley._

_“Let’s not talk about this in the open,” he mumbled, and you stopped resisting him. When he found a secluded place he let you go, facing you._

_“So? What is it?” you asked._

_“It’s a lot of things,” he sighed. “Things with my parents, what happened to you… And I…” he looked away, flushing._

_“Nothing happened, you know. I turned the tables when he tried to get my pants off.” You approached him, bringing your hands up to cup his cheeks. “I do want to be with you, you know.” He brought his hands up to yours and looked deep into your eyes._

_“Mom let me in the brothels last week. Had me shadow some matrons. She wants to retire soon,” he admitted. You shifted._

_“It’s changed how you see things?”_

_“A lot…” His answer was heavy. His mother was getting near sixty, and the reality of her job was likely more shocking than he’d thought it would be. Managing the brothels was the hardest thing his parents did._

_“Then we’ll wait,” you conceded._

_“But I don’t_ want _to wait.” He leaned in, kissing your lips softly, sparking the flames of excitement again._

_“If you don’t find us a place to go our first time together’s going to be in an alley,” you laughed on his lips._

_“It’ll be an adventure and certainly memorable.” His eyes crinkled, the mood fully ignited again._

_“I’ll bribe and threaten the hotels workers so they won’t tell your parents.” N cooed in amusement._

_“What will you do to them if they tell?”_

_“Beat them and take my money back.”_

_“You’re brutal,” he murmured, amusedly, stepping closer and kissing you again. You gripped his cheeks tighter, using your hold on him to take control of the kiss. “I’m already hard,” he admitted when the kiss broke, pressing up against you. “Let’s forget about the hotel.” You smiled up at him, removing one hand from his cheek and sliding it between you to palm him. You brought the other to behind his neck as he wrapped his arms around you._

_“You sure are quick to get excited,” you teased, unzipping his fly and sliding your hand inside._

_“It’s what you do to me,” he groaned at the touch, burying his face in your neck, lips tickling your flesh. He whined as you tightened your grip on him, stroking slowly._

_“Do you have condoms on you?”_

_“I’ll just pull out,” he purred, nipping at your neck. Your nose crinkled reflexively at the action, and you bit your lip to hold in the scolding. He’d have to be trained out of biting if he enjoyed doing that. Nevertheless, you held off on scolding him, punishment for his lack of foresight much worse._

_“You’re experienced enough to not fuck us over with that?” you asked, releasing his cock and pulling your hand out from his pants. He whimpered at the loss of touch but you ignored him, wiping your hand on his pants. “If that’s the case, I don’t trust this dick of yours.” You zipped his fly back up, ignoring the confused noises leaving his throat and swatting his hand away when he tried to take yours. Fluidly pulling back, you twirled around and headed out to the main street._

_“We’re going to the nearest hotel, your parents be damned. You can tell them tomorrow if you’re so worried about being outed by the staff,” you announced, back towards him._

_“Yaaah! Nixe!” he cried after you, rushing to catch up. Falling in step with you, he took your hand and squeezed it tight._

_“Next time, don’t forget the condoms. Maybe then we can fuck outside.”_

-.-.-.-.-

At some point you managed to drift off to sleep, but you were stirred awake by pain you could no longer ignore. Shifting hurt, wounds screaming and body aching from the large amount of exercise you’d gotten earlier. You’d pushed yourself too far. Upon opening your eyes, you realized that your pain meds were up four flights of stairs. Hissing in pain, you attempted to sit up and take in your surroundings. N steadied you, helping you sit up. You hadn’t even realized he was awake. How long had he been just sitting there?

“Don’t move, I’ll get your pills,” he instructed, sliding off the bed. He was dressed in sweats, meaning he must have ventured out while you’d slept. You groaned your understanding, not wanting to move anyway. He disappeared into his bathroom and returned with a cup of water and your pill bottle, handing the pills to you before crawling back in bed. Hurriedly, you poured your dose out and popped them in your mouth, taking the cup from N and downing the contents with the pills. Successfully medicated, you fell back on the bed, absolutely not wanting to move unless you had to.

“I slept for about three hours,” N explained. “When I woke up, you were already asleep, but you looked like you were in pain. Sorry, but I stole your keys and got your meds for you.”

“Thank you,” you groaned out. He put the cup and pills on the bedside table then leaned over you. He kissed you, slow and sweet, making you want to wrap your arms around him to keep him there, but you ached too much to go through that effort. It would lead places you were in too much pain to go at the moment. When N pulled back, he laughed lightly.

“We were so excited last night, we forgot all about the lube I got out.”

“I’d say go get it, but I can barely move,” you teased, closing your eyes and willing the pain meds to work faster. But of course they would take their sweet time. N chuckled, kissing you again.

“Even if you weren’t hurting, I’d turn you down. We should go back to sleep.”

“How long did you stay up waiting for me to wake up?”

“About an hour and a half?” It was surprising you’d even slept that long, though it hadn’t been the most restful. “I didn’t want you to worry about your meds.”

“When they kick in, I should shower. I feel dirty.”

“Why not laze in bed longer? It’ll be a few more hours before anyone else is up and ready to go. We should sleep.” Work. You’d forgotten about that, gotten swept up in the dream of getting back with N. Your mood crashed down. You had to return to reality sometime. N had interrupted you with his surprise and you’d lost a lot of time messing around with him afterwards. The new information needed to be combed through. As much as you wanted to sleep, work was calling for you and there wasn’t enough time for the death-like rest your sleeping pills provided.

“I can’t,” you admitted simply, opening your eyes and carefully bringing your left arm up to his face. It didn’t hurt like your right one did.

“Work can wait. You won’t recover as fast if you push yourself,” he insisted, frowning.

“No, I need sleeping pills.”

“But you slept fine before.” The displeasure in his voice was clear.

“Exhaustion from doing too much, or maybe a miracle. I was awake staring at your face and thinking about the past for a long time before I drifted off to sleep.” His expression grew sad, slightly distressed. “Besides, I’m not supposed to take them until I’m weaned off the pain meds.” He kissed you, pulling back quickly and pressing his forehead to yours.

“I’m still not letting you get up to work. I’ll help you clear your mind. The others will understand. I’ll go get you clothes for tomorrow,” he murmured. He was gone from the bed before you could protest and out the door quickly. You sighed. It was probably better to let him play nurse, if only for a few more hours. You’d already gotten scolded for pushing yourself anyway, and Hongbin was likely to lay into you again whenever you saw him next.

You pushed yourself up and headed towards his bathroom to shower. If you were going to sleep another few hours, you wanted to be clean, pain be damned. You turned on the water, barely waiting for it to warm before stepping in. Just as you were rinsing your hair out, you heard the bathroom door creak and N sigh.

“Stubborn as always,” he complained.

“I told you I felt dirty,” you pouted. He opened the shower door just as you grabbed the body soap.

“Would you like some help?” he offered.

“If you’re offering,” you agreed quietly. He quickly stripped, stepping in with you and closing the door behind him. It was a tight fit, the shower only meant for one. He snuggled behind you, taking the body soap out of your hands and pouring some into his palm before passing it back to you. After gently lifting your hair out of the way, he brought his hands to your shoulders and began to massage the soap into your back, fingers momentarily tracing the ink designs there. His touch was tender, loving, but not sexual, hands roaming over your back and arms with the intent to clean and make things easier for you. You poured some gel in your hands and started washing your front, sighing in appreciation when N sunk down behind you to get your legs.

When he stood, he tugged you more under the spray and turned you to make sure everything was washed away. A tender kiss and he took the soap from you to hurriedly clean himself. It was things like this that you’d always loved most about him. He had an awful tendency to spoil you rotten, far beyond what you ever deserved. Another tender kiss and the water was off. When he opened the shower door, you shivered, cold air meeting your skin. He let you step out first then rushed to get towels, wrapping his around his waist so he could dry you off first. Once your body was mostly dried, he handed the towel to you and attended to himself.

You walked out of the bathroom, drying your hair as you went. Dropping your towel to the floor, you dug through the pile of clothes N had brought you and laid out on top of his drawers until you found underwear and a night shirt. After slipping them on, you returned to the bed and collapsed. N slid in behind you, arms wrapping around your waist and tangling his legs with yours. You hadn’t been held like that since China, heavily pregnant and by another man.

“I missed this,” N murmured into your hair. You remained quiet, feeling the pain meds kick in. You’d be lying to yourself if you said you didn’t miss the cuddling; you’d always enjoyed it, holding each other and relaxing. A time when you could just talk or contemplate.

“I wonder what they did with the Rat when Ravi finally caught her,” you mused, mind drifting back to earlier. The pest had nearly caused a coup, and that wound was still raw.

“Probably locked her back up in either Catch or Ravi’s apartment,” N answered neutrally, the tone rubbing you wrong. “Don’t think about work right now.”

“N,” your voice was tense, on guard. His grip on your waist tightened. “Make damn sure every last bit of useful information is squeezed out of that little Rat. Two years worth of dirt. I don’t care how.” If she talked, maybe then you’d consider going easy on her.

“If I don’t get it, Catch and Ravi definitely will,” he reassured you. “It’s not like we’re letting her off the hook.” You remained quiet, jaw clenched. The events before the interrogation left you unsure that you could completely trust them and you were still weary of N despite letting him back in. But the best option at the moment seemed to be to step back and watch them.

“We’re not stopping until they’re put in their place,” you murmured after a few minutes. N pressed a kiss onto your shoulder.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way,” he agreed. “Now relax. Let’s talk about something else.” You relaxed into his arms, letting the thoughts of work go as the painkillers took full effect.

“Like what?”

“Like what you were thinking of before you fell asleep earlier?” You smiled faintly at the question.

“The days before I became leader.”

“That was a long time ago,” N murmured.

“About our first time having sex with each other.”

“A really long time ago,” N chuckled. “It was the first time I ever saw your back, after you got it done, anyway.”

“It was probably the first time you’d seen me naked since we were five,” you teased. N laughed, the sound comforting, relaxing you more.

“Mom gave me a good scolding when I told them about us the next day,” he mused.

“The crazy successor candidate stole their precious, spoiled little baby boy from them,” you laughed. “I don’t blame her for being livid.”

“What?” N laughed, squeezing you tighter. “It’s not like it took much to convince Dad. And I think Mom was just worried about the succession fighting. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. They liked you, still do, last I heard.” You hummed, closing your eyes and letting the warmth of his voice and body envelope you completely. You hadn’t seen his parents since they’d retired and moved to the countryside.

“Things weren’t quite so messy back then,” you mumbled, feeling sleep miraculously starting to take hold.

“But we thought it was just as stressful at the time,” N chuckled. You hummed, not sure if your next thought made it past your lips or not.

“I wanna go back.” Much needed sleep took you, N’s next words too sleep muffled to make out.

-.-.-.-.-

Your eyes snapped open, breath hitched in your chest and body tensed. You attempted to roll out of bed, but a strong grip around your waist kept you in place. It took you a few seconds to realize that you were in N’s room on his bed and _not_ in the observation room being restrained at gunpoint. Coming to that conclusion, you forced yourself to exhale and breathe, but it didn’t make you feel any more secure in N’s arms. You ached, but the familiar nausea caused by your most stressful nightmares washed over you, and you felt the need to escape. So you pried your way out of his grip, ignoring N’s confused and sleepy protests and questions, and rolled off the bed.

You landed on your hands and knees, gracelessly and frightened, but feeling better unrestrained. Your nausea resided and you attempted to shake the dream off. You were free, Ravi wasn’t holding you still anymore, wasn’t present at all, and Catch wasn’t even in the room to point a gun at your temple, much less fire it. And Mouse–Mouse and her _fucking_ little sister were definitely not in the corner watching the onslaught.

“Nixe?” N asked tentatively. Your head snapped in the direction of his voice and you knew your eyes were wide, that your breathing wasn’t quite under control yet. His brows were knit in concern, but you didn’t want to let him near. Scooting away from the bed slightly, you swallowed and tried to slow your breathing. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine,” you answered, voice cracking and sounding anything but. You swallowed again, following it quickly with a slow, deep breath. “I’m fine. It was just a dream.”

“If you’re reacting like that it wasn’t _just_ a dream,” N protested, moving like he was going to get off the bed and go to you. You shot to your feet.

“It was a dream, and it cannot hurt me,” you insisted, the words more to yourself than for N. “It feels like my pain meds are wearing off,” you changed the subject quickly.

“Yah, don’t change the subject,” N fussed, watching you as you rounded the bed to the other side to get at your painkillers. “What was your dream about?” You ignored him, downing your pills. “Don’t ignore me.” The words rubbed you wrong and you threw a glare in his direction.

“It was _just_ a _dream_. I’ll be _fine_. I _am_ fine,” you insisted.

“You _aren’t_ fine,” N argued, crawling across the bed to get to you. You stepped back and his expression faltered. “It wasn’t about me, was it?” He sounded as horrified and scared as he looked, the hand that had started to reach out to you trembling slightly. Your eyes widened slightly at the question, gaze focusing in on his hand. You took a deep breath and forced your flight reflexes down.

“No,” you answered softly. “It wasn’t about you.” He relaxed visibly, but the concern didn’t completely leave him. He got off the bed and pulled you into a hug. The urge to escape overwhelmed you again, but you smashed it down. This wasn’t your nightmares, he wasn’t trying to hurt you. Reluctantly, you reached out and returned the hug, your grip weak and ghosting over his skin.

“You’re not dreaming anymore. Nothing’s gonna happen,” N soothed into your hair. You swallowed, hoping it was true. “Do you want to talk about it? It might help.”

“No,” you replied almost instantly, pushing the damn dream from your thoughts the best you could. “I just… I just need to be alone for a while…” you murmured, hating the way your voice almost trembled. He tightened his grip on you, making you tense up even more.

“Alone?”

“Yeah… I…” You pushed back on him gently as you pulled away from his embrace. “I just need some time to collect myself. I’ll go file papers or something.” N frowned, expression still filled with concern and confusion, but you pulled away from him completely and grabbed your clothes from his dresser.

“I don’t feel comfortable leaving you by yourself when you’re like this,” N protested, though he didn’t move to touch or stop you. You shook your head, heading towards his bedroom door.

“I’ll be fine. These things aren’t something I can’t conquer. I just need to collect myself,” you assured him.

“Alright, fine. But I’ll be checking on you later,” N insisted. You grunted in response, leaving him behind in his room.


	5. Ashes ~Part 4

After getting back to your office, you’d rearranged for an hour before slumping down at your desk and drifting off into another fitful sleep. A second nightmare woke you sometime later, driving you to your bathroom for a shower that you really didn’t need but very much wanted. Muscles heat soft and mind numbed, you’d collapsed on your bed and drifted off to sleep again, waking once more when Hongbin came knocking to check on you, give you another lecture, medicate you, and run through your range of motion exercises. No sooner had Hongbin left than N had come to force feed you and put you back to bed. It was aggravating to say the least, but you took what you could get, using the alone time to gather your thoughts and sort through everything that had happened in the basement and N’s room.

You were still angry, still hurt, but you couldn’t let Catcher and Ravi’s betrayal affect work.

When it got to the point that you were unable to sleep, you took your meds, grabbed your gun, and headed down to the lower basement. The way to the shooting practice range was etched in your muscle memory, barely requiring thought. Range was a bit of a misnomer. It only had enough cramped space for two people to practice at any given time, the lanes were only fifteen meters long, and the target dummies had to be set up manually. Despite the cramped conditions, it served its purpose. Most of the gunfights any of your people got into were short range anyway.

You set up your target then got in position, slipping muffs over your ears. The weight of your gun in your hand was uncomfortably heavy, but you raised it anyway, taking your time to line the sight up. Your arm shook under the weight of the gun and the position, still shot from torturing Taeil and the bullet to your shoulder. You pulled the pulled the trigger, imagining that the target was Mouse. The gun jerked in your hand from the recoil, moving much more than you’d have liked. Hissing at your inability to keep the gun steady, you lowered your arm. The bullet had hit the paper, but wasn’t very close to the target line.

With a sigh, you switched hands and lifted the gun again. This time you pictured Catcher. The bullet hit the outer rung of the target. You pictured Ravi and it barely hit the target. Taking a few deep breaths to calm yourself down at the terrible job you were doing, you corrected your stance. Clearing your mind, you pictured Zico and emptied the rest of the magazine. Lowering the gun, you smirked to yourself. The bullets had loosely clustered to the left side of the target. Better at least, but not good over all. This cemented it in your mind: you weren’t anywhere close to being recovered.

Switching the safety on and holstering your gun, you took the earmuffs off and cleaned up. Your footsteps as you climbed the stairs back up were heavy. Though emptying a magazine had helped relieve some stress, your poor performance left you uneasy. If you kept pushing yourself like you had been, you knew you wouldn’t get your ability to shoot with your right arm back up to par.

You stopped at the ground floor, needing the break from the stairs and deciding you were past due for some kind of food. You weren’t _hungry_ but you knew you needed to eat, your last meal having been when N visited you. The kitchen was empty when you entered, but you could hear the mumbled talking of people in the common room next door. Not in much of a mood to deal with people, you headed straight for the fridge. You took a water bottle and an apple, stiffening when you recognized N and Birdie’s laughter. The conversation continued as you closed the fridge, a second bout of laughter breaking out.

Mildly curious, you crossed the kitchen and peeked through the door to the common area, breath catching when you saw Leo there with Seyoon on his lap, Birdie seated beside him and N across from them on the other couch. Their expressions were cheerful but all slightly guarded, save for Seyoon who was trying to worm his way out of Leo’s hold. Leo eventually relented, setting the boy on the ground. He crawled under the table to N, grabbing hold of his pants leg, cooing and grinning wide. N paused in the conversation, which you were too enthralled by Seyoon to even hear, and picked up the boy with a coo and grin of his own.

Your heart stopped, everything in you freezing. Seyoon grabbed N’s hair with both hands, tugging until N’s face scrunched up in mock pain. He removed the little boy’s hands, making a mock pouty face before breaking out into a grin and kissing the toddler on the forehead. Both giggled as N pulled back and relaxed into the couch, Seyoon soon crawling off to the side to entertain himself with exploration. N’s hand darted out and ruffled the boy’s dark curls and you couldn’t watch anymore.

You stepped back, but the movement drew Leo’s attention. Caught, you saw no point in leaving beyond hiding the heavy guilt building in your heart. Swallowing, you pushed the door fully open and stepped into the common room. N stiffened when his eyes fell on you, Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed nervously.

“Going somewhere?” Leo asked. Your turned to him, brows knit, and he pointed at your holster.

“No. I just wanted to test my aim,” you explained, ignoring the general displeased atmosphere at the announcement. “My right arm is useless, I don’t think I’ll be leaving HQ much until I can actually hit the dummy.”

“It’s probably better not to be out and about anyway,” Birdie said, shifting slightly. Seyoon came running behind the couch and crashed into your leg, hugging it tight. The tension in the room easily doubled at the contact.

“Hey there, Seyoonie,” you murmured, putting your water and apple on the coffee table and bending to run your hands through Seyoon’s hair. The boy laughed, gripping the leg of your sweat pants and shaking it.

“Up!” he demanded, striking your heart. You wanted to pick him up and hold him close to your chest, but you knew you couldn’t with your arm like it was. Both Leo and N moved from their spots, but N was just a little bit closer, snatching Seyoon up and lifting him high into the air. The boy squealed in delight, causing Leo to back down, though he remained at the edge of his seat. He was still extremely uneasy about you, Seyoon and N all being in the same room together, it was obvious.

“Autie can’t pick you up right now,” N explained, lowering Seyoon back down and propping him on his chest. When N looked back at you, he was grinning ear to ear, practically glowing while he held the child in his arms. You did your best to smile, despite how the site broke your heart.

“Down!” Seyoon demanded, squirming against N, flailing his arms and smacking N repeatedly on the cheeks. The scrunched up face N made at getting hit made you laugh despite everything, the situation so funny you hand to look away while snickering. “Down! Down!”

“Alright, alright, you energetic little beast,” N conceded, putting the boy down. No sooner had Seyoon touched the ground than he’d crouched down and crawled under the coffee table, headed straight for Birdie.

“Mama, Up!” he demanded, gripping her pants leg. Leo quickly scooped the boy up and set him on the couch between him and Birdie. Yes, he was _their_ child, even if he was your blood. N’s fingers brushed yours before he moved to sit back down, leaving enough space for you to sit next to him.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt earlier,” you segwayed awkwardly. “What were you talking about?”

“What were we talking about?” Birdie asked herself, looking up at the ceiling as she tried to recall, Seyoon nuzzling under her arm and into her side. “We were talking about China, I know but–ah! The wedding. We were telling him about the western wedding we’d had in China.” You smiled at the memory of the ceremony, moving to sit down next to N.

“More like she was bragging about it,” N joked.

“No one knows how to throw a party quite like Kris does,” you commented dryly. “Any and every excuse, it seemed like. But he did a good job, though, with as short a notice he’d had.”

“It was definitely one of the more memorable nights we had in China,” Birdie confessed, smiling over at Leo.

“I’m sad I missed it,” N pouted.

“There’s still the Korean wedding,” you said casually, fighting back a smirk at the way Birdie’s eyes lit up. “You still want to do that, right? A hanbok wedding.” Leo reached across the couch and took Birdie’s hand, looking her in the eye lovingly.

“Of course we do,” Leo answered.  He looked back over to you, glancing over at N as well. “I want to have a ceremony with my family there.”

“Then we’ll start planning the ceremony as soon as things are settled with Block B,” you said with finality.

“Planning the ceremony? What’s going on?” Ken called, entering the common room from the hallway and the smell of fried chicken wafting in with him. You turned to look at him and saw that he was carrying two take-out boxes and a manila envelope. “You aren’t leaving me out of something important, are you?”

“We’re just talking about Taekwoon and me having a Korean wedding,” Birdie explained with a smile.

“Korean wedding?” Ken asked, a grin spreading across his lips. “You mean a traditional wedding?”

“I’ve always wanted to wear a hanbok,” Birdie confirmed.

“You know, I don’t think I’ve seen any of you in Hanbok since we were kids…” Ken said thoughtfully, tapping his chin. “And I don’t think I’ve _ever_ seen Catch in one.” You stiffened slightly hearing her name.

“Stop that line of thought before you get any stupid ideas,” Leo warned, eyes narrowed.

“What?” Ken asked innocently. “Sounds like _you’re_ the one getting funny ideas, not me.” A perverted grin broke out across his face.

“Ken, why’d you get fried chicken? Catch get hungry and ask you to get food?” N diverted the conversation before it could get dangerous.

“Huh?” Ken asked, whipping his head in N’s direction. “Oh, yeah.” He held the boxes out to you. “Catch wanted me to bring you some files, so I thought I’d bring you something to eat while I was at it. I got it from your favorite chicken place, you know, since it’s not exactly easy to get out and get it yourself right now.” You took the boxes with a small sigh, knowing that it was more than you could eat in one sitting, but the gesture was much appreciated since you didn’t cook and mostly scavenged off whatever the others left in the communal fridge or ate out. “Oh, and cake. I got you some cake from the bakery under Catch’s office.”

“Thanks,” you said dryly.

“Actually, I was hoping to talk to you alone,” Ken said, tone growing dark. That drew your attention back up to him, brow raised.

“About what?” you asked. Ken tapped the manila folder he was holding. “You can’t talk about it here?” Ken glanced over at Seyoon, who’d started babbling and trying to get Birdie’s attention.

“Not in front of the kid,” Ken smiled sheepishly, though you got the impression that it was because of more than that and he didn’t want to come out and say it.

“Fine, we’ll go to my office,” you said, standing up. N reached up and stroked your forearm reassuringly, probably sensing Ken’s ulterior motives as well. You ignored him, moving to walk past Ken when you caught Leo getting up from the couch. You paused and held your hand up at him. “No, you stay. I told you already, you’re not officially back to work yet. Enjoy visiting people while you can.” Leo narrowed his eyes but sank back onto the couch. “Let’s go, Ken.” You brushed past Ken and headed for the stairs.

“Right’o, Leader-nim,” Ken saluted, falling in step behind you.

-.-.-.-.-

You set the boxes of food on your desk, holding your hand out for the manila folder that Ken still held. Ken handed it over obediently and you opened it immediately, glancing over the contents as you moved to sit down. Ken remained standing, watching you.

“Aren’t you gonna eat? The chicken’ll taste bad if you let it get cold,” Ken finally broke the silence. You put the file down with a sigh and reached for the chicken. He’d keep bugging you to eat until you ate at least some of it. Chicken in hand, you urged him to get to what he wanted to talk about. “Catch is still going through everything in the tape, trying to verify what she can and get things on maps, but that file’s a basic rundown of what Taeil confessed,” Ken explained.

“I can read, Ken,” you said flatly, taking a bite of chicken. Ken smiled sheepishly. “You’ve been with Catch the most out of everybody this whole time, so you must know a lot about Mouse. No one’s told me shit about her except that she’s a spy and was trying to save her sister. Enlighten me.”

“Ah… Right. Catch picked her up years ago. I’m sure you remember her. Mouse used to follow Catch around everywhere, was kinda cute in that mousy way of hers. Was one of the smart ones,” Ken explained. You chewed thoughtfully, vaguely remembering the small girl that skulked around at Catcher’s heels back in her early days with VIXX.  “Had she stuck around, I probably would have tried recruiting her, but she left the Rats a couple years ago. Then she showed up a few weeks ago, asking Catch to take her back in after she supposedly got hurt by a rival when picking pockets.” You tossed the chicken bone back in the box and took another piece.

“A pest through and through,” you sighed before taking a bite of the chicken.

“Ravi was the one that caught her.”

“At least he did one thing right,” you grumbled. “How long has Mouse been detained?”

“Ravi brought her to Catch the day after you got back to HQ,” Ken answered.

“And _why_ didn’t anyone tell me then?”

“Catch and N were worried about your health,” Ken explained. You narrowed your eyes, not expecting Ken to mention N. “They were afraid it’d be unnecessary stress on you.”

“Yeah, well that certainly backfired,” you growled, though you knew you hadn’t exactly been in the best shape at that point. They still could have let you find out about Mouse before capturing Taeil. “People keep hiding important information from me to ‘protect my health’ and end up stressing me out anyway. And the fact that everyone was so sympathetic and protective towards Mouse only made it worse.”

“Ah… How do I put this…” Ken sighed, looking up at the ceiling. “About Catch and Mouse…” You stiffened, not liking where he was taking this. “I’m not happy about the whole situation either. Catch trusted Mouse, but Mouse just used her. She was so happy when Mouse came back to the fold, but she’s been pretty conflicted since Mouse got caught.”

“Funny, she didn’t seem conflicted to me at all,” you said dryly, barely keeping your voice in check at the rising memory of Catcher pointing a gun at you.

“It’s been hard on her too. I mean, she got betrayed by someone that she trusted.” Ken shifted his weight, moving his hands a bit as he talked. You snorted finding it funny that he was using that argument when _two_ people you’d trusted had betrayed you. Dropping the stripped bone you’d been holding back into the box, you picked up another piece of chicken. Your desire to eat was completely gone, especially with this subject, but you’d force it down.

“What are you trying to accomplish by telling me this stuff?”

“Catch isn’t really good at expressing her feelings,” Ken said lamely, and you scoffed before biting into the chicken. “But she’s just as mad at Mouse as you, and so am I.”

“Somehow, I doubt that,” you scoffed, leaning back in your chair and crossing your legs as you worked on the chicken.

“What Mouse did is despicable, shouldn’t be forgiven, but I think Catch–”

“If you’re here to defend Catcher’s actions, then stop right now. I’m already sparing that Rat’s life, don’t ask me to look the other way after what Catcher’s done,” you growled. Ken’s expression turned confused and slightly affronted.

“She feels responsi–”

“ _She pointed a gun at me_ ,” you snapped, throwing your half eaten piece of fried chicken in the box and standing up. Ken was slack jawed and wide eyed at the revelation. He felt out the nearest chair and sank down, staring down at your desk in shock.

“She didn’t tell me that part,” Ken mumbled.

“Of course she didn’t. She’s not going to openly admit that she’d betray me for the Rat. But she’s made up her mind and chosen a side, Ken. Her and Ravi both,” you hissed. “And if all you’re going to do is try to get me to feel more sympathetic towards them, then stop while you’re ahead. Mouse confessed to helping plant the assassin and giving away my schedule, and Catcher pointed a gun at me barely a minute later and there’s _no_ excusing that.”

“Ravi too?” Ken asked, voice quiet with shock.

“What do you expect when he’s been sleeping with the Rat? It was like I hadn’t almost died in his arms,” you hissed, rage boiling over.

“What are you gonna do?” Ken asked, looking up at you with worried puppy eyes.

“Nothing,” you confessed, deflating and sinking back into your seat. What could you do? What good would doing anything to punish them actually do at a time like this?

“Nothing?”

“The betrayals were… personal,” you sighed, covering your face with your hand. You didn’t want to show how hurt you were by it all, how backed into a corner you felt by it all. They expected your anger, your irrational outbursts and shallow reasoning, so those reactions were safe to show. But the hurt caused by Catcher and Ravi cut deep, cut in a debilitating way that N’s hadn’t because of the circumstances, and you didn’t know if you could hide it. If you lashed out like you wanted to, it would have been counter productive. You _needed_ them in order to maintain order until things were settled with Block B.

“You really can’t be considering doing nothing,” Ken asked incredulously. You sighed again, deeper and heavier.

“I’m tired, Ken. I’m so fucking tired,” you confessed. Everything was wearing down on you. “If they want to throw me to the side, then fine. I don’t have the energy to deal with that head on. I have a job to do. We need to put Block B back in their place.” You had to keep moving forward, couldn’t doubt your actions now, no matter how tempting it was, no matter how much Catcher and Ravi’s actions had made you wonder if things now would have been less complicated if the assassin had succeeded.

“But–” Ken started to object, but you cut him off with your hand.

“I’m not forgiving them, Ken. I’m waiting and seeing what they do. If they want Mouse, they can fucking have her. I just want the bitch to stop causing problems.” Ken grew darkly serious.

“If Mouse continues causing trouble, I don’t care what Catch or Ravi say. I’ll throw her out a window on the fourth floor,” Ken promised, rising to his feet. “I should get back to work. Like you said, we have jobs to do and Block B needs to be put in it’s place.”

“If you see Leo on your way out, tell him to come see me,” you ordered, feeling the need to distract yourself with wedding plans. Ken nodded pensively, giving a hum of acknowledgement. He paused on his way to the door, softening up.

“That’s right!” Ken smiled, mood taking a 180, as he was wont to do in tense times. “The other day, was six enough? I wasn’t sure how many to give N-hyungnim.” You leaned forward, grabbed a bone from your half eaten box of chicken and tossed it at him, missing horribly because of your injury.

“More than enough,” you growled, though you weren’t really angry at him. “Now get back to work like you said you would.” Ken laughed, turning back to the door. When he was half out, he turned back to you again.

“Don’t forget to eat your cake, ok? It’s seasonal, and I had to wait in line to get it,” Ken said, closing the door before you could answer. You sighed, turning back to the manila folder to read it over more carefully. The cake could wait.

Block B’s purpose for choosing your meeting with EXO for the assassination attempt had stemmed largely from their desire to prevent you from reinforcing your bonds with EXO and strengthening your own group through EXO’s greater networking. Taking VIXX down, in the grand scheme of things, was a stepping stone to get to EXO and a good way to send a message to other groups in the area that Block B was the real power in the area. With NU’EST and BTS already crippled and moving away from getting into conflicts with VIXX, knocking VIXX down would allow Block B to more easily take over the other two. The eventual plan was to kill all dissenters and absorb the rest into Block B.

The entire plot had been set in motion after N started hammering down on NU’EST. When Block B saw the opportunity to take land that NU’EST was vacating, they jumped, only to have it taken by N shortly before or after procuring it for themselves. The origin of their agitation was VIXX, and common sense dictated that vicious grabs for territory were dictated from the top down. Take out the leader and a group would be thrown into chaos as they tried to reorganize and weasel out the assassins to get revenge. While they had succeeded in creating chaos for VIXX, you weren’t about to let them succeed in taking you or the rest of VIXX out.

-.-.-.-.-

It took several minutes for Leo to arrive, letting himself in after knocking. Without saying anything, you slid a black credit card towards him across your desk. Leo looked at you with questioning eyes, stepping forward to take the card.

“Use it to pay for the furnishing in your new house,” you explained.

“You don’t need to do that,” Leo objected, moving to put the credit card back down, but you caught his hand and pushed it back up.

“I do,” you insisted. “Consider it my belated wedding present.”

“You don’t–”

“I _do_ ,” you repeated. “I’m your family right? Then let me act like one and furnish your newly-weds’ home since you didn’t want me to _buy_ said home for you.”

“Fine,” Leo sighed, pulling his wallet out and sliding the card inside. “Is that all you wanted?”

“Yes,” you nodded, turning back to the papers in the file Catcher brought you.

“You got back together with N,” he stated after a moment’s silence. You looked back up from the file at him, caught off guard that he was bringing that up.

“Ho–” you cut yourself off from asking that question. Leo was standing right there when you dragged N away, and seeing as N wasn’t visibly more bruised than when you’d dragged him off, there was only one other conclusion to draw. “Yeah,” you sighed. “It’s obvious?” Leo searched your eyes for a moment, carefully constructing his response in his head.

“N’s… always been a bit obvious when things come to your relationship. Rather than being tense and stressed out, he looks… worried. And the way you two acted together earlier…” Leo trailed off diverting his gaze slightly.

“He figured it out…” you murmured, putting the file down and looking at the desk.

“He hasn’t said anything,” Leo informed you, tone even. “But the way he looks at Seyoon and the way he looked at you…” You clenched your fists, trying to hold everything together as Leo began treading on your other sore spot. Leo must have picked up on that from the way he swooped in and placed a gentle hand on your shoulder. “Are you sure about getting back with him after everything?” You took a deep breath.

“I’m not really sure if letting him back in was a smart thing or not, but it… it felt good, more right than anything else over the last couple of years anyway,” you tried to explain, pausing to lick your lips. “But I don’t think I can trust him like I used to for a long time. What he did is still at the back of my mind.”

“I just want you to be happy. And I’m…” Leo paused to take a deep breath, “worried about you. There’s been a lot going on and your body…” You eased up, somewhat comforted by his concern.

“It’s true there’s been a lot going on lately, but I can handle myself,” you excused with a breathy laugh, shrugging Leo’s hand off. “I should be the least of your worries. After all, you’re moving into a new place, your baby is due soon, and there’s a wedding to plan. You’ve got enough on your plate. And I’ve honestly kept you from Birdie long enough for today.” Leo frowned as he pulled one of the files off your desk and sat down in the chair across from your desk, opening it. “Yah!” you scolded, getting up and reaching across your desk to pluck the file out of his hands, but he pushed his chair away from the desk so you couldn’t reach him easily. You glared at him. “I told you earlier, you aren’t officially back to work yet.”

“Then I’m not officially reading this yet,” Leo retaliated, dropping his eyes back down to the file.

“Leo,” you growled.

“You’re planning a raid with the information you gathered from Taeil, right? You’ll need my help sorting people out into teams, so you might as well let me start getting more caught up on the situation now,” Leo insisted.

“But Birdie–”

“She’s taking a nap with Seyoon. He was falling asleep on N’s lap when Ken came down,” Leo explained without looking up at you. You swallowed, the mental image that drew up a knock to your heart. It hadn’t been that long ago that you’d left them downstairs, and Seyoon had been so full of energy. Though with the way he seemed to run around, he’d likely run himself to exhaustion. “Besides, what’s worrying you _should_ be something for me to worry about. Especially when it involves threatening my family.”

“Fine,” you sighed.

-.-.-.-.-

Come early evening, N came up to your office and tugged you off to bed with puppy eyes, worried reminders not to overwork yourself, pouty pleads to pay attention to him. He’d gotten frisky once he’d closed the bedroom door, much like you’d expected he would, tongue and lips and fingertips roving your body hungrily. You pushed him towards the bed when he begged to put it in, shoved him down and sucked him, appeased him when he begged to return the favor. His fingers and lips were a dream.

He made love to you, slow and sweetly vanilla, until you felt like you would go insane. Maybe you _were_ going insane. Maybe you were _already_ insane, had been for a long time. You didn’t know, but you could sense that the day was as emotionally rough for him as it had been for you by the way he’d wanted to make love, by the way you clung to each other afterwards, by the way he hoisted you up and carried you to the shower, your arms around his neck and legs around his waist.

His touch in the shower was tender and his lips tickled along your spine as he murmured that the nixe on your back was beautiful. You pulled him up and into the spray, feeling more like your namesake than you had in a long while, hands buried in his wet hair and holding his head in place as you kissed. It felt good to get lost in him, things heating up so much you almost started a second round before you thought better of it and pushed him back so you could suck him off.

As you drifted off to sleep after cleaning up, he murmured something about trying for another baby when you were better, revealing what he’d been upset about. You pretended you didn’t hear, but that didn’t stop your dreams from being filled with an older Seyoon hating you or Catcher pulling the trigger, the nightmares waking you and preventing you from going back into a sound sleep. Maybe getting back together wasn’t such a good idea afterall.

-.-.-.-.-

_You sat next to Ravi and Leo in the ER waiting room, a few others from VIXX scattered about the room. This looked like the end for the leader. He’d been carted in not long ago, suffering from a massive heart attack. It hadn’t taken long for the candidates and a few of his family members to assemble. The whole event was unexpected, though not surprising. Leader had been in ill health for years, but the heart attack was a sudden downturn for the worse. He hadn’t publicly announced his chosen successor yet, probably believing he still had time to change his mind. The tensions in the room were soaring as a result. You honestly wouldn’t be surprised if fighting broke out the moment news came back. Though the successor was named in his will as the successor to key property and bank accounts, that didn’t mean there wouldn’t be fighting to steal that away._

_“Noona,” Ravi called out to you, voice hushed. He leaned in close to you, lips almost at your ear. “I’m pretty sure it’s going to be your name on the will.”_

_“And what makes you think that?” you asked, equally as hushed. It was important not to draw the attention of the other candidates, though you had to have caution with Ravi as well–he was another candidate._

_“I’m not eighteen yet and the other guys are old farts with a lot of enemies. Besides, Leader-nim was always a bit more fond of us than any of them,” Ravi explained. You snorted, sitting back to look at the lanky seventeen year-old. He had a point. The likelihood of Leader choosing someone who wasn’t even eighteen yet was low, but allowed a few more years and he might have been the prime choice. Ravi leaned back in. “Whatever happens, I’m on your side.”_

_“Those are heavy words, Ravi. You might regret them,” you warned, leaning back and meeting his eyes with a hard stare._

_“You’d have to be blind or power hungry to miss the fact that you’re the right person for the job. You have a lot more support than you might think, Noona,” Ravi murmured, getting close to you again. Before you could answer, the other members shifted and stood up. You pulled away from Ravi, and saw one of Leader’s daughters approaching the group. The tension in the room was palpable at her appearance. She stopped just in front of the others and you and Ravi rose to your feet to join them._

_“He’s dead. The legal team was already on it’s way and they’ll be here any minute to open the will,” she announced. Leo’s hand came to the small of your back as the whole group fell silent. The announcement was supposed to start the period of mourning, but that was the last thing on everyone’s minds. As you all followed the late leader’s daughter down the hall to a more private waiting room, you glanced at the others with predatory eyes, catching a few looks from the others as well. Whatever the name on the will, you wondered who you’d have to kill first._

-.-.-.-.-

_You poked around the entrance to the makeshift shelter that some of the street kids called home, a little more than than disgusted at the filth, but you didn’t go in. The dirtiness of this part of your territory wasn’t anything new to you, and the kids inside wouldn’t pose a threat for your guards, but you still didn’t want to deal with the gutter trash. You’d done enough of that when your were a teen. You’d brought Leo and two other big body guards, all standing quite obviously around the entrance. The goal was to be obvious–to draw out the kids’ leader. No one had attempted to enter or leave the hideout since you’d arrived an hour ago, though a few kids had stopped some distance away to watch for a bit before leaving._

_Leo nudged your arm to get your attention, nodding in the direction of a young woman approaching the hideout when you looked at him questioningly. A smirk pulled on your lips. It looked like your patience was paying off._

_“What are you doing here?” she asked sharply when she was only a couple meters away. She was a small scrappy thing but looked to be around your age. Her glare was just as sharp as her words had been, but you weren’t threatened in the least. She was nothing compared to the sharks you’d been taking out within VIXX to secure your position._

_“To see you,_ Catcher _,” you answered, not even bothering to turn around fully to face her._

_“Yeah? Well what business do you have with me,_ Nixe _?” she tossed back, pulling a full grin from you. You turned to face her more, looking her up and down._

_“As expected. You know who I am.”_

_“Who around these parts_ wouldn’t _know who you are?” she asked as if she thought you were an idiot. “Word gets around fast when there’s bodies dropping like they’ve been.” She glanced at your guards then back to you, defenses high. There was something in her hand, a closed switchblade you guessed, but she wouldn’t be able to get close enough to use it without getting injured herself. “So, what business do you have with me?”_

_“As you’ve probably noticed, other groups are encroaching on VIXX’s territory. The cockroaches think that just because I’m a woman and haven’t been in power long, they can take whatever they want. It’s come to my attention that you’re the person to go to around here if you want information about the streets. I want your help.”_

_“And why should I help you? I have no loyalties to you, and I want nothing to do with whatever squabbles you’re having with other gangs,” Catcher countered._

_“Because it’ll be mutually beneficial for peace to be restored around here. You tell me any intruding group’s activities on our turf and we’ll get rid of them.”_

_“I don’t see how it’ll be mutually beneficial at all. I don’t want anything to do with your politics at all, so go away,” Catcher bit back._

_“VIXX has graciously let you squat on our territory for years, and you think that helping us wouldn’t be beneficial?” you asked, not really surprised at her refusal._

_“I don’t owe you_ anything _,” Catcher refused again._

_“You live on VIXX territory, and as far I see it, that makes you and every single one of your little cockroaches_ mine _. So if you don’t cooperate, I’ll treat you like any other insubordinate fool.”_

_“_ Rats _,” Catcher hissed, interrupting you. “They’re called Rats, and they’re not something you can treat like property. Don’t insult them when they’ve done nothing to you. They’re just kids.” You wrinkled your nose at interruption._

_“That’s debatable. They’re little vermin, just like their name implies,” you growled. “But that’s besides the point.” You turned to face her fully, eyes dark and serious. “Other groups won’t necessarily treat you any nicer and if you don’t help me, you and your Rats are going find it’s open season.” Catcher’s glare sharpened._

_“Thinking we’re weak because they’re children could turn hazardous for your health,” Catcher warned. A grin spread across your lips at the challenge._

_“This is the biggest hideout right?” you asked. “And then there’s the ones on the north and south east sides of VIXX territory, the one in the neutral territory to VIXX’s Southwest side, the one in the neutral territory to EXO’s south, and the one in west central EXO territory.” Catcher’s eyes flashed dangerously and she shifted towards you slightly, turning whatever was in her hand over. She reeled in her anger quickly, forcing her cool again._

_“You wouldn’t be able to catch them anyway. By the time you’d arrive, they’d all be gone,” she bluffed. You motioned to Leo and he raised his gun, pointing it at the hideout. He kept a calm face, but you knew he didn’t want to pull the trigger, that he was hoping that Catcher would give before you gave the order._

_“How much do you wanna bet that he hits someone on the first shot?” Panic flashed across Catcher’s eyes, but it was quelled down quickly as she turned her attention to Leo._

_“Killing kids? I never took you as the type to do something so despicable,” Catcher called Leo out. You felt his eyes on you, knew he’d rather not but would if he had to._

_“Leo, pull the trigger,” you ordered, pushing down a smile as the panic returned to Catcher’s eyes._

_“Wait!” she called out as soon as you finished the order. “I’ll help you, but you have to swear to leave the Rats out of it.”_

_“Deal.” You smirked and motioned to Leo that it was ok to put his gun away. “Show up at the Black Brew Cafe tomorrow at three, and don’t be late.”_

-.-.-.-.-

A knock at your bedroom door pulled you out of your light sleep some hours later. You called out for whoever it was to hold on as you detangled yourself from N. He groaned and rolled over, burying himself further under the covers as you went about throwing a shirt and sweat pants on. You jerked the door open, revealing Ravi.

“You couldn’t call?” you growled, taking in his stony expression. You really didn’t want to see him if you didn’t have to.

“Catch has my phone and is still talking to the people on site. The loan shark office ten minutes west of here just went up in flames. It wasn’t on the list of places that would be hit,” Ravi explained. The first two attacks had already happened without much incident, you were sure, but this one?

“Fuck,” you hissed. “I’ll be up in a few minutes.” You slammed the door in Ravi’s face and headed to your closet. “N, get your ass up.”

“You want me to go with you?” N asked, confused, as he rolled out of bed.

“No. Not your sector,” you growled.

“But Catch–”

“I’ll be fine,” you cut him off. You tossed a pants suit onto the bed and headed towards your dresser to get a shirt and underwear. “Go to the scene and help organize people. The police are bound to show up soon, and they’re probably getting suspicious that things in our territory keep catching fire.”

“Fine,” N grumbled, picking up his clothes and getting dressed enough to not raise eyebrows if he were seen in the hall. “Call if you need anything.”

“Stay safe. We don’t know the situation yet,” you called after him as he left your room, slamming the door after himself. You sighed, fastening your belt. He was upset that you pushed him away like that, you knew, but you weren’t about to put Ravi in the field when you had Block B members on site to interrogate. Throwing your jacket on, you quickly made your way to Catch’s office in HQ. Catcher was up pacing, yelling at the person on the other end of the line, while Ravi watched her from one of the chairs in her office.

“The fire department just arrived,” Catcher hissed, stabbing the phone’s screen to hang up and tossing it back to Ravi. “The damned idiots over there don’t know what’s important to take and what isn’t.”

“What the situation?” you asked.

“The building’s a goner, and a lot of the physical records kept there will be lost too. A few people were stupid enough to try and save some stuff, but there’s not a head count yet. The building was full of people,” Catcher hissed.

“I sent N down to organize things on site,” you sighed, looking up at the map on the screen on the far wall. The place in question was marked on the map and it was uncomfortably close to HQ.

“You sent _N_? They’re _my_ men,” Ravi asked, standing up. You glared over at him.

“You have a _Rat_ that you _still_ need to make talk,” you hissed. “She knew about the other three attacks, go see if she fucking knew about this one.” Ravi didn’t budge, brow knit in anger. “You have to get her to talk sometime.”

“She’s still recovering from the break down she had watching Taeil. I can’t question her yet,” Ravi bit out. The words ticked you off. You clenched your fist, maintaining your composed mask.

“I’m starting to lose my patience with your shit. A building is burning down and people are no doubt injured. Get her to _talk_ before anymore people get hurt,” you hissed. Ravi scoffed, and headed for the door, not bothering to respond to you at all. Your blood boiled at the disrespect he was showing, but you let it slide. Instead, you turned to Catcher when the door was closed.

“Why did he come to you first?” you asked.

“He didn’t,” Catcher huffed. “We were discussing what to do with Mouse when he got the call.”

“And?”

“If she doesn’t start talking, we’ll isolate her in my apartment. I’ll move in with Ken until we decide what to do with her permanently,” Catcher explained. “It’ll be harder for her to get out of my apartment than Ravi’s.”

“Right,” you sighed exasperatedly, moving past Catcher to look more carefully at the map.

“Oi, what is your problem?” Catcher snapped. You flinched, caught off guard by her sudden frustration with you. Quickly schooling your features, you crossed your arms over your chest and turned to look at her.

“I don’t have a problem,” you insisted, not really sure what she was even trying to get at.

“You do,” Catcher threw back shortly. “You’re acting like you don’t trust us fully.” You narrowed your eyes at her, trying to discern if that was the only thing she was going after.

“I trust you to do what’s best for VIXX,” you said carefully, speaking the truth. But the nightmares were still fresh on your mind, the hurt from them siding with Mouse over you was still raw. You trusted them to do what was best for VIXX, _not_ what was best for _you_. Maybe _you,_ in your anger and stubbornness and dysfunctionality, weren’t good for VIXX anymore–though you hated to admit that to yourself, to think it, that the seeds for that idea had even been planted in your head over the last several days.

“I can’t do my job if you don’t trust me,” Catcher growled, “And right now, it really feels like you don’t.” You sighed, bringing a hand up to rub your eyes. You were too tired for this and the dull ache of your wounds was getting stronger.

“You pointed a gun at me, Catch,” you sighed. She remained quiet, lips pursed and eye piercing as she calculated how to reply. At least she wasn’t being hot headed yet. “And Ravi might as well have too. _You_ don’t trust me.”

“Because you were acting like a rash idiot,” Catcher finally defended herself, bristling.

“So were you, when you pointed that gun at me.”

“Mouse was family long before you were, and I need to fix things with her,” Catcher growled, continuing on the defense. “She was my responsibility and I let her and the kid down.”

“So you decided to fix it by pointing a gun at my head?”

“Oh, don’t act like you wouldn’t do the same if someone was threatening Birdie or me like that,” she gritted out, stepping closer to you. “It was the only way I thought you’d take me seriously.”

“Catcher, it’s not exactly a secret that you don’t like me. That laying into you gave me when I came back was a pretty damn clear reminder. Point a gun at me and of course I’m going to think I finally broke your last straw of patience with me. You _hate_ guns. And Ravi looked about ready to revolt with you.” You sounded exhausted, almost detached. You wished you were more detached.

“Ken said I should apologize,” Catcher pouted with a sigh, looking off to the side. “I guess I could have reacted differently both times, but I let my temper get the best of me.” So _Ken_ had _asked_ her to apologize. That fact settled wrong in your stomach, making everything worse. You wished he’d stayed out of it and kept his mouth shut.

“A forced apology can’t _fix_ this,” you snapped, voice cracking. You _knew_ it took a lot for her to even apologize like that, but it meant nothing if the only reason she was doing it was for the people she really did care about. “Your loyalties are to VIXX and the Rats, _not_ me. Not me as a person anyway.” Sometimes she wished you’d died, after all.

“I’d never betray you, you should _know_ that by now. I’m not _forcing myself_ to do things out of some twisted sense of duty to others. I’m loyal to you because you’re good at what you do,” Catcher hissed at the accusation, ruffled more by those words than she’d been by anything else. “And Ravi? Well that idiot is just infatuated at the moment. The moment he realizes what he’s done, he’s going to grovel back to you in that gruff way of his. He loves you almost as much as Leo does.” You shook your head, finding it hard to put your emotions into words. Everything was reeling inside you and you didn’t feel like you could take her words at face value.

“Actions are louder than words,” you finally managed, attempting to shut everything off. “You do your job, and I’ll do mine. Give me intel and I’ll act accordingly.” You turned away from Catcher and moved towards the door before she could say anything. “I’m going to have a talk with Taeil,” you informed her. You needed to let off some steam anyway.

-.-.-.-.-

You left the cell Taeil had been moved to, successful in your endeavor to get more information. Unfortunately, five tacks in his foot was only enough to get minimal information about the unexpected attack. They’d just recently gotten the security information required to make the attack possible, and you had a feeling that you knew who the leak. You were done pussyfooting around with that annoying Rat. It was past time you sat down with her yourself. You climbed the stairs, getting to Ravi and Catch’s floor just as you saw a pensive Catcher exit her rooms.

“She still won’t talk?” you asked as Catcher approached you at the stairs.

“Nothing useful. Apparently her and Ravi fought,” Catcher grumbled, not particularly happy to see you after your conversation earlier. Ironic how much Ravi had stuck his neck out for Mouse, yet all it seemed to accomplish was the opposite of what he was trying to achieve. “I’m going back to work on fixing the fuck ups those idiots at the loan office made.”

“Give me the keys to your room. I want to talk to Mouse myself.” Catcher narrowed her eyes at you, but you held your hand out expectantly. “I don’t plan on killing her. No one else has been successful at cracking her. Let me give it a try.”

“If we can’t get through to her, then I doubt you can,” Catcher frowned, but handed you the keys nonetheless.

“We’ll see,” you said blandly, clenching the keys in your hand. You moved down the hallway, leaving a grumpy Catcher at the stairs. Quietly, you opened the door and entered.

The apartment was practically barren, but you hadn’t expected much to be there anyway. It wasn’t much of a secret that Catcher had all but officially moved in with Ken and just kept the place for appearances. Not seeing Mouse in the first room, you continued deeper into the apartment. You found her in the bedroom, stripping her shirt off. You stiffened, immediately noticing the net of fine scarring on her back, all too familiar with their appearance.

“Those scars,” you called out, gaze sharpening as she froze momentarily. She quickly pulled her shirt back down and spun around to face you.

“Leader-sshi. I didn’t hear you,” she stuttered, backing away.

“Where did you get them?” you continued, not caring to make pleasantries or get distracted. You stepped into the room, determined to get an answer. Most people didn’t have that level of scarring on their backs. “Ravi?” you asked, ruling out the possibility of bedroom kinks first.

“No,” she answered quickly, running into the bed. “He’s never hurt me.” Of course he hadn’t, the way he protected her so. But he hadn’t told you about them, and if he hadn’t been the ones to put them there, that meant their origins were much darker.

“But he’s seen them?” you asked, already knowing the answer.

“I-I don’t-” Mouse started to deny, but stopped when you narrowed your eyes at her. “Yes, he has,” she amended quickly.

“Whip, was it? More than once from the looks of them.” You shifted your weight, getting less pleased with the situation by the moment, and she seemed to pick up on it by the way she shuffled. She was abused, the scars layered, many quite old looking, and you highly doubted they were the only scars she had from whatever hell Block B had put her through. “Anything else?”

“Yes,” she confirmed, looking to the side.

“Where else,” you demanded. She obediently sat down on the bed and raised her foot into the air, revealing an ugly black welt of a Block B brand. “Rather crude marking,” you observed, getting a bit closer to see it better. But it wasn’t like the brand Taeil or other members of Block B had, making your anger at Block B rise up again. “That’s not an initiation brand,” you stated coldly. Mouse remained quiet, looking as if she were about to have a panic attack. She was cattle branded–a slave, and you were certain she wasn’t treated any better than one. “Seems I went too easy on the pest,” you growled, more to yourself, as Mouse quickly lowered her foot.

You felt more sorry for her now than you had at any point before. Had the others brought Mouse to you shortly after she’d been caught and properly explained things, you probably would have been more sympathetic towards her from the beginning. Cattle banding and enslavement was a practice that you deeply despised and had refused to let take hold in VIXX. It was a fate no one deserved. It meant that beyond threatening her sister, they were actively forcing her and torturing her to keep her in line and doing what they wanted her to do. But the brat was secretive and stubborn enough that it might not have been made known to the others, though you couldn’t blame her given the implications of the position.

“Taeil didn’t do this,” Mouse murmured, attempting to defend Taeil from more horror. You snorted. It didn’t matter if he was the one to brand and whip her or not, he still hadn’t done anything about how she was treated and likely encouraged it. But she was cooperating so far, so you decided you could actually get somewhere with her. You moved past her and sat down in the chair next to the bed.

“No, I suspect he wouldn’t have the authority to mark someone like that without his leader’s approval,” you sighed, drawing Mouse’s attention and locking gazes with her. “Who else knows?”

“N told me he knew the second he looked at me,” she confessed.

“Yes, he would, wouldn’t he?” you hummed, thinking of how often he probably ran into such a thing.

“He hasn’t seen the mark though. Only Ravi and yourself.” You hummed in thought, the pieces clicking into place. Ravi probably didn’t know the full implications of being cattle, having been sheltered by VIXX’s system and always the type to keep his nose out of the human trafficking side of the business. But N specialized in that area, meaning he’d probably used the information to his advantage–how bastardly of him, but also how typical. Suddenly you remembered Mouse’s sister, proof of Block B’s other dark spot.

“You know what they’ve done, don’t you? That even if we do get your sister back, she might already be broken.” Mouse looked away, looking dejected and slightly frightened.

“I know, but,” she paused to take a shaky breath, “even so, I can’t just leave her there. I already failed to protect her. I should at least get the chance to try and save what’s left.” She glanced at you before getting up and crossing to the dresser. “You have no reason to trust anything I say, I know and I wouldn’t either.”

“At least you got that right-”

“I want to leave,” she cut you off, spinning around to look at you. You narrowed your eyes at her rude behavior, but she plowed on. “As soon as I get my sister back, I’m leaving. this town - hell, this whole damn country.”

“And you think we’re just going to let you? After all the shit you’ve done to VIXX?” you hissed, crossing your legs. “You think we’re just going to let you leave, just like that? You stupid girl.”

“So I’ll trade one master for another?” Mouse almost cried. “I’d rather kill myself, and her if I have to. I already have nothing that’s only mine, at least I’d get to pick the way I die.”

“That’s pretty selfish, your sister doesn’t get a choice?”

“A choice to what?” she snapped, gesturing widely with her arms in her frustration. “She can’t talk, her survival skills are nonexistent and Zico’s already made a whore out of her. What kind of life would she have if I wasn’t there?” She looked like she was about to cry and you felt pity well up inside you.

“Catcher would take her in,” you reminded her, knowing there were better things than death, that her sister probably could find a way to walk forward if given the chance. But mentioning Catcher only seemed to piss Mouse off more.

“And what? Make a Rat out of her? And keep her in this life of blood and sex and violence until she’s no longer useful to you? No thank you,” she hissed.

“Do you really think so low of the woman that took you in?” you asked. She deflated almost immediately, sinking down to sit on the bed and burying her face in her hands. “I see that you don’t. By all rights, I should just put a bullet through your head and be done with it, leave the kid with a good orphanage, if we manage to get to her.” You looked away from her, clenching your fist. “But somehow, you’ve managed to lure two of my top members over to your side, and that means that you get to live a little while longer, vexing as it is.” She scoffed.

“Lucky me.” You remained quiet, watching her back. As much as you wanted to lock her up or put a bullet in her head, the others would probably fight you on it, and she had proven herself to be something to pity. Her desire to get as far away from the city as she could would probably work to your advantage, so it was worth pursuing as a negotiation tool. You were going to let her off if she spilled her guts anyway.

“I’ll make you a deal, Mouse,” you offered, causing her to hesitantly turn to look at you.

“A deal for what?” she asked carefully.

“Help us bring them down and I’ll reconsider letting you leave afterwards. I can’t guarantee your sister’s safety, but you should already know that.” She sighed and nodded.

“I know.” You huffed and crossed your arms over your chest as you waited for her reply.

“So?” Mouse looked away, leaning back and raising her eyes to the ceiling.

“It’s not much of an incentive really. And what makes you think I won’t betray you the second you let me inside the HQ?” She looked back down at you. “I’m not one of yours, if anything, I’m one of theirs. And I’m going to get killed or as good as either way so what’s stopping me from selling you out, Leader-sshi?”

“Loyalty, for one,” you said the words as if there was a bad taste on your mouth, remembering the problems she’d caused. “Because of you, Cather pointed a gun at my head. You think she’d go that far for just any little gutter trash in your little pack of Rats?” Mouse blushed and looked down at her hands. “I remember you, you know.” Only thanks to Ken pointing her out, but she didn’t know that. Still, the sentence had the desired impact, causing Mouse to look up at you again in disbelief. “You used to skulk around her legs when Catcher first came here, small and mousey and eyes wide like someone would hit you if you as much as breathed wrong. Ken thought you were cute, like the idiot he is. Probably just said it to try and get closer to Catch.”

“What’s your point?”

“The point is, she thought you were important enough to keep close while going inside a viper’s nest that could strike back at her at any moment,” you hissed, annoyed that it went over her head. You scoffed, continuing, “Looking at you now, she obviously put her eggs in the wrong basket.” Mouse fell quiet, getting lost in thought.

“Well?” you prompted after a few moments, drawing her out of her thoughts and causing her to flush. “Do we have a deal, Mouse?” She stared at you in silence for a few more moments.

“You’ll let me come with you?” she asked. You nodded, deciding it wasn’t a bad idea. “And then I can leave after?”

“Depending on how it goes, we’ll see,” you answered, earning you a frown.

“I can get you inside the Funhouse, but after that you’re going to be on your own. I’m always blind in there, they keep changing the walls. You’ll have to let me go in first, make them lower the guard,” she bargained.

“That’s fine,” you accepted, uncrossing your arms and relaxing into the chair. “Now, tell me everything we need to know.”


	6. Ashes ~Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More horrible things~ Sorry :D

“You actually got her to talk?” Ravi asked, flabberghasted. He stared at Mouse with wide disbelieving eyes, but she ignored him and stared off into the corner of your office resolutely. You’d cuffed her to a chair after calling the others in. The room was slowly filling up with people, all high ranking members.

“It’s called negotiation. Or did you forget your interrogation techniques?” you bit out. Ravi glared at you, jaw set tight.

“What could you have possibly offered her that she’d want?” Ravi threw at you in disbelief, the question cutting you.

“Freedom,” you growled, turning your chair so you were facing the door and not him. Catcher, Ken, Leo and a few other high ranking individuals were already present, but you were still waiting for N. The collective look in the room was of surprise, especially the expressions of those that knew exactly what Mouse had done. “Proving the raid is successful and she survives, anyway.” That sobered their expressions some, though Catcher still eyed you suspiciously.

“You can’t be serious,” Ravi blurted in disbelief, voicing what the others were thinking.

“Dead. Serious,” you hissed. “An eye for an eye.” If you couldn’t pay back double the pain, then you never settled for less than equal payback, and they knew that. “She brought me Taeil and I’ve almost killed him, _and_ she’s spilled two years worth of information on Block B. As soon as she lets us in the Fun House, we’ll be even. Isn’t that right, Mouse?” She didn’t answer, but it didn’t matter because N had finally arrived.

“Everyone’s so tense. Did I miss something?” N asked, looking around the room and pausing when he noticed Mouse.

“Mouse talked,” Ken explained, tone a mixture of boredom and unease. You turned your chair back to look at Mouse.

“Now that everyone’s here, Mouse, how about we go over that map you drew?” You pulled out the sheet of printer paper that you’d given her to draw the amusement park. You’d gone back to Taeil after finishing with Mouse to squeeze as much information about the park from him as you could, corroborating some of her claims and adding a few more details that she’d left out, so you’d added your own notes to the map. Ravi dragged Mouse’s chair over to your desk as everyone crowded together, Catcher pushing to the front right next to Mouse.

“This matches with the map you already started, right?” you asked Catcher.

“More or less, yeah,” she said, looking over the map carefully.

“Why does the Fun House have so few details?” one of the other high ranking members asked. “If that’s their main base, shouldn’t there be more details?”

“The walls inside are moveable and they change them up frequently. This has been confirmed by both Mouse and Taeil. They’ve likely changed up the pathways since Taeil went missing, so anything they could tell us wouldn’t be useful. The places that are marked are the most important landmark rooms, and those don’t change places, but _getting_ to them is a blind run,” you explained.

“Which means we’ll be running around like chickens with our heads cut off,” Ravi clarified dryly.

“More like _they_ will be running around like chickens with their heads cut off,” Leo corrected. “There’s only two exits, right?” He leaned forward and pointed to them on the map. “Then we smoke them out.” You leaned back with a smile.

“My thoughts exactly,” you agreed.

“Then we’re giving them a taste of their own medicine?” N asked, meeting your eyes.

“Yes. Now start throwing out ideas,” you ordered, scanning the crowd. When two people started to voice their ideas at the same time, you knew you were in for a long meeting.

-.-.-.-.-

“The dust in here is so thick,” Birdie coughed, covering her mouth as she followed you into your storage room.

“It’s because I never come in here. I don’t really have much in the way of personal belongings so I don’t use most of my quarters…” you explained, half distracted as your eyes roved over the boxes stacked in the corner. With the raid in a little over twenty-four hours, you needed a distraction to ease your nerves some. Thus, you’d called Birdie up and had brought her there to give her some things. “Most of the stuff in here belonged to my mother, and I just haven’t thrown it out, but there are a few boxes from when I was a teen, too.”

“Why don’t you let some others move up to this floor? Seems like a waste to have so much space when you only use the office and bedroom,” Birdie asked, looking over the boxes herself. You pursed your lips at the comment. It was true that you had nearly the entire third floor to yourself, save for a few office spaces only accessible from a different staircase on the second floor, but the leader’s quarters had been designed to house the previous leader’s family. He’d had a few children with his wife and took in several of his illegitimate children as well, most of whom were dead or chose to go straight. Had things gone as you’d once dreamed, the room next to the one you were currently standing in would have been converted into a nursery.

“I like my privacy,” you said dryly, not wanting to make Birdie feel bad for the comment. It wasn’t exactly a lie either. Finding the stack of boxes of your things from your teens, you sighed. There were only three small boxes to hold your old memories. Much of what you had was actually clothing, books or weapons, which you’d kept in your room, but these boxes contained everything else you’d cherished growing up. You pulled the lid off the box on top, smiling when you realized it was just the box you’d been looking for: your old stuffed animals.

“Is that what you wanted to get?” Birdie asked, coming over and peeking around you. You nodded, picking up a rabbit plushie from the box.

“N won this from a UFO catcher on our first date. Spent fifty thousand won trying to get  the damn thing, he was so bad at it,” you reminisced, Birdie choking a laugh down at the story. You tucked it under your arm and dug a bit into the box until you found a worn but well loved looking cat plush. “This was Leo’s,” you almost murmured.

“Taekwoon’s?” Birdie asked curiously.

“Well, more like he stole it from me,” you corrected. “The night I dragged him home, he took it and refused to let it go, clutching it the whole time he crashed from his high and went through withdrawal. He kept it for a few years after that, but left it behind when he moved quarters.”

“That’s… adorable,” Birdie grinned, gently taking it from your hands. “I didn’t expect him to be the type to sleep with stuffed animals…”

“It was the closest thing he could get to a real cat, I guess,” you said dryly, pulling a teddy bear from the box. “This was my first stuffed animal.” You turned to Birdie and held out the bear and bunny. “They’re used and old, and I have no idea if they’ll like them, but I want Seyoon and the little princess to have them.”

“Nixe… You should give these to them yourself.” You shook your head, pushing the toys on her until she took them.

“I can’t. I–… I’m tired of crying. Please, just pass them on for me.” Birdie nodded solemnly, but seemed to understand how hard it was for you. You turned away and closed the box.

“I’m sure Seyoonie will love these,” Birdie commented, trying to ease the atmosphere. You hoped he would.

“That’s not all I wanted to give you,” you changed the subject.

“More?” Birdie asked, tone implying that she thought that what was in her hands was more than enough for one day. You hummed, ignoring her displeasure as you looked for the box you wanted. You _had_ to get these things to her while you were thinking about it because you didn’t know if you’d still be around in December. With how chaotic everything had become, you could only take everything on a day by day basis because things could go wrong at any moment. You found the box in question, the second one down in a stack not too far from your childhood boxes. Despite your arm, you moved the box above it and pulled the top off. Inside were two large cloth bundles, one blue and one red.

“I probably should have asked Leo to come too,” you sighed pulling out the blue bundle.

“What is that?” Birdie asked, leaning over to inspect it. You untied it and pulled it open carefully, revealing intricately embroidered ruby red silk. Birdie reached out to stroke the fabric, stuffed animals squished against her chest in her other arm.

“My mother’s wedding hanbok. My father’s is in the other one. I’m not going to use them so…” you explained, staring down at the silk.

“Nixe…” You looked up at Birdie just as she dropped the toys and pulled you into a hug, tears in her eyes. “Thank you. Thank you so much.” You stood there stupidly as she squeezed you as best she could against her pregnant form, not knowing how to react.

“It’s nothing, really,” you said lamely, though you knew how big a deal giving away such an item was. But you wanted this ceremony to outshine the one Kris organized, and you wanted it to be the best you could give Leo, the closest thing to being blood family that you had besides Seyoon.

In some ways, perhaps, you were living vicariously through Birdie and Leo, and had been doing so for a long while. When you’d initially suggested Leo think about proposing to Birdie back in China, it had been when you were at your darkest and the only thing pushing you forward each day was work and the pregnancy. After rejecting Kris and deciding that you’d never marry for business _or_ love, you’d wanted to see them get married even more, had wanted to spare dragging Leo down further than you already had. Before everything had fallen to pieces, you’d dreamed of quietly slipping off to sign the legal papers with N, of rolling around in bed for a few days to celebrate the pregnancy.

You’d dreamed of happiness and when it became apparent that those dreams were just dreams, you made a lot of rash decisions to protect yourself, your baby, and VIXX–ultimately making Leo and Birdie a primary target to push your dreams on to, however subtly. But you _did_ care deeply for Leo as well, and would do your damned best to protect his happiness.

“Thank you, really. I don’t think I can thank you enough for these. I can’t wait to show Taekwoon.” You closed the wrapping on the hanbok and handed it to Birdie, pulling the red bundle out and placing it on top of the blue one.

“I’ll call Leo. You’ll probably need him to help carry everything,” you murmured, pulling out and calling Leo. As you waited for him to pick up, you knelt down to pick up the fallen toys.

-.-.-.-.-

_You watched Leo clumsily spin Birdie around the dance floor from your seat at a reception table. Only a few others were sitting, all at other tables in groups of two or three talking over wine and champagne. The tables were like some sort of shield protecting you from the boisterous happenings on the dance floor. You were happy, or at least you thought you were, but you couldn’t bring yourself to join everyone else on the dance floor. Leo was grinning ear to ear, had been for the last two hours, cheeks a rosy color from the alcohol. His movements weren’t quite as sharp as usual, but it didn’t really matter because he was still doing better than many of the others on the floor. You couldn’t remember him ever being so happy before._

_Zitao swooped in and stole Birdie out of Leo’s arms, spinning her away. It didn’t take long for Leo to get her back, pulling her in close. They stood out like a sore thumb in their white outfits and seemed relatively oblivious to the world around them once reunited. You were so caught up watching them that you almost didn’t notice Kris making his way over to you._

_“Would you like to dance?” Kris asked when he got to your side. You smiled and shook your head gently._

_“You know I’m not much for dancing,” you excused, earning a quiet chuckle from Kris. “Besides, I’m pretty tired. It’s been a long day.”_

_“It was pretty exciting,” Kris agreed, pulling out the seat beside you and sitting down. You picked up your bottle of sparkling grape juice and refilled your glass. The bottle was almost gone since you’d been nursing the contents in lieu of everything else available to drink. You brought the glass to your lips as you watched Kris steal an open bottle of wine from the table next to you, sipping as he poured a glass. Bringing your glass back down and cradling it in your hands, you turned your gaze back out to the dance floor. Less than half the guests were actually dancing, most standing off to the side conversing over drinks._

_“It’s almost 2:30 a.m., if you’re tired you should go back,” Kris suggested, lowering his glass._

_“And leave before the couple of honor? That’d be distasteful,” you refused. You brought your glass back up to your lips for a sip and when you lowered it, Kris laced his hand with your left one. He brought it up and kissed the knuckles of your fingers before lowering it to rest your entwined hands on the table._

_“You’re keeping such a serious face. What’s on your mind?” he asked. You looked at him with a raised brow, but instead of explaining himself, he leaned in for a kiss. You let it deepen, getting a taste of the wine he’d just had. You pulled back slightly, chuckling breathily._

_“I’m thinking about how jealous I am,” you teased with a smile._

_“Of the wedding?” Kris asked, a bit surprised._

_“That you can drink alcohol.” Kris pulled back fully, stifling laughter. “It’s no fun being sober at things like this.” Kris squeezed your hand as he composed himself._

_“You’ll be able to drink again soon enough,” Kris reassured you, looking down at your swollen belly. You suddenly became quite conscious of the baby, shifting to touch your stomach with your right hand. The baby was due in just over a month, which meant that everything was about to end._

_“Yeah, I guess I will,” you sighed, looking back out at Leo. Maybe the odd feeling in your stomach that you couldn’t name was jealousy. Despite wanting to have a child with N, you hadn’t seriously considered marrying him, though at one point you’d dreamed of using it as an excuse to quietly sign the papers. But a dream was all it was, just like the idea of having a happy family with N had been. But you supposed that was the price you paid for your power. Not getting an abortion had been incredibly selfish, you knew, but you wanted something from the sweet part of your relationship to survive. You thought you deserved at least that much after spending over six years of your life on N._

_“It looks like the newlyweds are finally heading off to their suite,” Kris observed as Leo and Birdie began moving towards the elevator. The baby would live, but it wouldn’t be yours, nor would you get to see it often since Leo and Birdie were planning to stay away from the border disputes in Korea–the safest environment for the baby to grow up in, and you couldn’t fight that. “I booked a suite for us as well, you know,” Kris continued, lifting your hand back to his lips. You turned to look at him, catching his smouldering gaze. He was a bit more than tipsy, you knew, and you were a lot more uneasy feeling than you’d been a few minutes ago. Maybe you weren’t happy. Maybe your mask had gotten so good that you thought your eased defenses meant you were happy. Regardless, you wanted Kris to fuck you until you believed you were happy again._

_“Should we go test the bed?” you asked, cocking an inviting eyebrow at him._

_“We should,” Kris purred._

-.-.-.-.-

You tightened the laces on your underbust brace until it was mildly uncomfortable so it helped serve as a reminder to stand tall but not to move around more than you absolutely had to during the upcoming raid. The lightweight armored undershirt you reserved for stings like these came next, a button down shirt next, then your concealed weapons: a knife at the small of your back and a second just above your ankle. After pulling your pants on, you fixed your gun holster to your waist and entered your bathroom. You made sure your makeup and hair was intimidatingly well put together before leaving and sliding into your jacket.

Taeil had been successfully released several hours ago in neutral territory close to NU’EST’s border with Block B, drugged so he wouldn’t wake up and blabber for at least twenty-four hours. Block B found him and dragged him back to the amusement park a few hours later. Mouse had been released four hours ago to return to the amusement park and do her part. There was just two and a half hours left to get to the abandoned amusement park and get in position.

You pushed open your door and walked down the hall, headed towards the communal room to do the final briefing. Leo fell in step behind you, having been waiting outside your room for you. The feeling of him at your back was familiar and comforting, but it nagged at your stomach. You paused in front of the stairs, turning to look at Leo.

“Are you _sure_ you want to go?” you asked him for the fifth time. He stopped at your side and stared down into your eyes.

“Someone has to watch your back,” Leo said after a few moments.

“But–”

“Birdie already told me to go, but I’d go even if she said no. I’m not letting you get hurt again,” he insisted sternly. He reached out and gently nudged you towards the stairs. You let out a small sigh, moving forward again. The trip down was quick and when you reached the ground floor, you could see people spilling out of the common room. The crowd parted when you neared, making a path for you towards the coffee table where a large map of the amusement park was spread out.

“Is everyone ready?” you asked, scanning the crowd from your place in the center of the room. A chorus of affirmations filled the room. You dropped your eyes to the map. “My group will enter through the back door of the Fun House at noon. Ten minutes later, N’s group will blow charges near the front gate. After Block B begins to scramble to the front gate, Ravi and Ken’s group will enter through the front door and cause a ruckus. N’s group will secure the area around the Fun House. Providing the back door to the Fun House is the only other route out, my group will secure Zico. When the signal is given, Hyuk will start setting fire to the building and everyone is to retreat to safety.” You looked up at the crowd.

“Take any kids, prostitutes, drugs and money you find. Focus on getting any kids and prostitutes out to safety rather than lining your own pockets. The aim is to put them in their place, not to destroy them. Is that clear?” you barked. Another chorus of affirmations rang out.

“If Block B thinks they can intimidate us by trying to kill me and attacking us, they’re _fucking_ wrong!” you roared. “We will drag those fucking clowns down and hold their heads underwater until each and every one of them submits. _We_ are _VIXX_ and we will show them what happens to other groups that try to oppose us!” The room broke out in cheers. “Make your final preparations and move out!”

You turned on your heel and exited the common room, headed straight for the garage, Leo close at your back and the rest of your protection detail breaking off from the crowd to follow as well. Once at the vans, you set about checking the weapons stash that was being taken in with your group. The other groups weren’t far behind, and a few minutes later, Catcher came by to hook you up with an earpiece and microphone.

“I’m giving Ravi, Ken, N, Hyuk and a few of the small group leaders feeds as well, but you’re the only one with a mic,” she explained as she wired your mic on your collar. “You’ll have to press the little button here to get it to transmit,” she instructed, taking your hand and showing you where to press. “Only use it to give the signal for Hyuk or if things go terribly wrong. I’ll be feeding intel to you through the earpiece once I get into the cameras, but only if things aren’t going to plan.”

“Right,” you nodded, putting the earpiece in.

“I’m…” she mumbled, looking down at the ground. “I’m sorry I can’t express myself like a normal person,” she finished, the words so quiet the others couldn’t hear and you almost weren’t sure you’d actually heard them yourself. “Don’t do anything reckless, ok?” she said louder and more firmly before moving away and heading off to the next group. You watched in shock as she walked off, eyes a little wide. You hadn’t expected that at all, and it struck something within you. She was trying at least, and that spoke volumes. You swallowed and turned back to your team, catching sight of a nervous, hesitant Hyuk at the fringes of the group.

“What?” you called out sharply to him. He was supposed to be with Ken’s group, not anywhere near yours.

“I-I just wanted to thank you for giving me such an important role in the plan,” Hyuk answered stepping a bit closer. You could tell he wanted to get closer and touch you, to say more, but he refrained like always.

“People who work hard get their rewards. Just prove to me that you’re actually capable of such responsibility,” you addressed him dryly. It was true that his record lately was excellent, so he deserved a chance at a more important job. It freed up Ken and Ravi to do other things, at least. “Don’t fuck it up.”

“Yes, Ma’am, you can count on me,” Hyuk saluted and scurried away back to Ken, throwing a few glances back at you as he went. You sighed and looked over your team.

“Ready?” A chorus of yeses. “Then let’s head out.” You turned sharply and slid into the back seat of the van Leo had opened for you.

-.-.-.-.-

Half of N’s team, including N himself, were waiting at the drop off point when you arrived. The men came to attention when you got out of the van. N approached you as three more vans pulled up.

“The charges are planted. They won’t do serious damage, but they should scare them out of hiding. We decided it would be better to set them off remotely. We’ll enter with you, make sure you get where you need to safely,” N reported.

“I’m already taking five in with me, any more and we’ll probably get noticed,” you frowned.

“We’re not going the whole way with you, just enough that we’re in position,” N clarified. You sighed and stepped around him.

“Let’s go. It’s almost time,” you ordered, motioning in the air for the others to follow. Leo took the spot at your back, flowing with you almost effortlessly.

-.-.-.-.-

With the security cameras disabled, and Block B in a mid-day shift changing lag, it was almost pathetically easy getting to the Fun House. Seeing Taeil strapped to the ferris wheel upon entering the park had been a bit disconcerting, but they obviously weren’t expecting anyone to be crazy enough to make a direct hit on HQ.

The back door to the Fun House was unlocked as planned, Mouse no where in sight. You hadn’t expected her to be around, and if she was smart and able, she was already gone from the park completely. You entered the Fun House cautiously and made your way to the first fork in the path, several yards into the building. You had everyone pull back and hide behind the bend in the hallway a couple of yards away from the intersection.

You sank down the wall, squatting as you waited, your men silent as you were. The explosion sounded some minutes later and the building seemed to start stirring. After a few minutes the sounds of gun shots filled the air, signaling that Ravi and Ken had gotten to work. A grunt stumbled down the hallway and rounded the corner in a rush to get out, but froze when he saw your detail. He was hit over the head before he could yell for help, his pockets striped, cellphone smashed and was tied up in a matter of minutes. Mouse and the higher ups obviously weren’t the only ones to know about the back door, but you hoped that he was an anomaly–a coward running away from the situation. At least you had something to kick around as you waited around for Zico to flee.

The amount of gunfire gradually increased and the dim lights in the hallway began to flicker. The sounds of men and kids yelling and scrambling several corridors down indicated that your people had penetrated deep. There was a crackle in your ear, followed by Catcher’s voice.

“I have access to the cameras and Taeil’s computers,” she reported before cutting off. You looked at your watch. Thirty minutes since the blasts at the front gate. You stood, hearing a clatter and yelling coming from down the hall, angry cursing that grew louder with each passing second. Leo drew his guns, the others falling suit. Just as the voices got a few feet away, the first two of your team charged out, quickly followed by the second two. Someone yelled to run and your men fired, followed by the thuds of bodies hitting the floor. Leo took his cue and stepped out.

“Run and we’ll shoot you until we know you’re dead,” you informed them, stepping out and surveying the enemy. Zico, B-bomb, P.O, Jaehyo and two others. They’d all dropped to the floor for protection, save for one dead man whose name you didn’t know. B-Bomb was clutching at his arm rolled on his back and face knitted with pain. “Try anything funny and we’ll shoot you until we know you’re dead.”

“Well, if it isn’t the bitch. Nixe, you’re doing well,” Zico laughed, pushing himself up into a sitting position and glaring at you.

“Quite well. With everything you’ve done recently, I thought I should come pay a visit. But I figured if I just showed up at your doorstep I’d never get to see you,” you retorted dryly. Jaehyo shifted, gun raising as he turned. Leo fired, sending a warning shot through Jaehyo’s pants leg and grazing his calf. Jaehyo howled in pain, dropping his gun and crumpling over to cover the wound. “You guys don’t listen well, do you? I suggest you cooperate because two of your top men are suffering from gunshot wounds at the moment.”

Leo fired again, the other goon slumping against the floor with a wound in his back, gun slipping from his fingers. You pulled your gun from your holster and kept it at your side. You had no intention of firing it unless you desperately needed to, but it served as threat enough. You stepped to the front of your men, Leo keeping close at your back.

“You should know by now that we don’t like taking orders from anybody,” P.O snarked, looking from the dying man Leo had just shot to you, a snide smirk on his face.

“A feisty one,” you said amused, lighting up as you took another step closer. “Maybe I should drag you back and kick you around like I did Taeil. The ones who scream and fight back are the most fun,” you threatened. The color drained from P.O’s face, his expression turning sober. He shifted towards Zico, getting into a more defensive and protective position.

“I shoulda guessed you would be the only other person in the city that would fuck someone up so much,” Zico grumbled. “So you have us cornered now. Get on with the negotiations.” You sneered, stepping towards them. As you opened your mouth to rip into them, Leo roughly jerked you back against his chest and fired seconds before a shot rang out from the other side. You barely registered one of your men going down as three more shots were fired from your end, the roar deafening despite the sound suppressors.

Your eyes darted around, taking in the damage as quickly as you could. Jaehyo was down completely, a wound in his shoulder, hand grazed, and a second gun at his feet. The third and forth bullets from your side had landed in the floor between P.O’s legs and in the wall over B-Bomb’s head. The man who went down from your side was being tended to by one of the others, a wound to his outer thigh. You shoved Leo off you, crossing to P.O with your gun raised.

“I didn’t come with the intent of killing any of you, but if you keep acting up we’re going to have to increase the body count,” you snarled. “Hands raised,” you hissed at P.O. He raised his hands slowly, gun still in hand but fingers far from the trigger. You striped the gun from his hand and ejected the magazine before handing it back to Leo. You pressed the tip of your gun to P.O’s temple, eyes searching behind him and catching sight of Zico’s gun. “I don’t fuck around like my men do. Slide the guns back down the hall or I shoot P.O and B-Bomb.”

Zico and B-bomb did as told while Leo swept down and retrieved Jaehyo’s, letting the magazines fall to the ground before passing them back. Once they were disarmed to the best of your knowledge, you tugged P.O up by his hair and tossed him to Leo. Zico started to scoot back, but froze when you pointed your gun between his eyes.

There was a sudden scuffle behind you, a thud and gunfire. You whipped your attention around to see Leo recovering against the wall and P.O fighting with the other two guards over their guns. You cursed. He’d tried to create a distraction and it worked. You quickly decided they could handle their own and turned back to Zico to see that he was already halfway down the hall. You fired twice and missed horribly. Cursing again, you started to give chase when you were jerked back and an arm–Leo’s arm, you quickly registered–came over your shoulder to shoot. He grazed the top of Zico’s shoulder but the man kept running despite it. Leo fired again, hitting his shoulder again, and this time Zico went down, just before he could turn the nearest corner.

You closed the remaining distance between you, Leo hot on your heels, and threw Zico onto his back, swinging your legs on either side of him and lowering down until you were comfortably seated on Zico’s lap with your gun pressed just under his temple.

“Stupid move,” you hissed, leaning in close to his face

“It was worth the try,” Zico laughed, hitting the ground with his uninjured arm.

“Now that you know you can’t run, let’s get down to business, hmm?” you purred, lighting up at the fear in the depths of Zico’s eyes mixing with his strong determination not to be intimidated and the pain cause by the gunshots.

“Let’s,” he sneered, nose and mouth scrunching up, less than enthused.

“Things are going to change,” you started, bringing your hand up to pinch at his cheek. “I will not negotiate the terms of your surrender. We’ve taken over Taeil’s computers and we’re setting all your cattle free. Block B is dirt under our feet. We have the ability to crush you without EXO. You can keep your fucking autonomy as a group, but you’re going to have to restart from nothing. And if you ever dare to challenge VIXX again, we will stamp you down. If you do not accept these terms, I shoot you now and we will proceed with eradicating Block B. Do you understand?” You patted Zico’s cheek, pressing your gun more firmly against his head with a smile. He glared at you, eyes dark with anger.

“What choice do I have with a gun to my head?” Zico snarled. “I _surrender_.” He spat out the declaration as if it tasted horrible, obviously the last thing he’d wanted to say. Your smile grew wider.

“Drag them out with us,” you ordered your team, looking back at them. They’d successfully wrangled P.O into submission and were swiftly securing the injured Jaehyo and B-Bomb. “I hope you have some good doctor friends, Zico,” you threw at the man in a sweet tone as you stood up, Leo sweeping around to secure Zico. As the others began to shuffle and drag the hostages out, you reached up and pressed the button for the mic. “Light it up. We’ve secured Zico.”


	7. New Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 7 of 7, and the last “arc”. Enjoy, and please lemme know your thoughts on the fic/collab in general! I’m curious! I’ve poured so much into Trust and it’s been such a grand time working with Alex and Vinter on this. Aaah… it’s over T^T Anyway, I hope you’ve enjoyed this installment in Trust :)

You’d lost eight in the raid on Block B’s Fun House, and several more had been injured. But the damages on VIXX’s side were far less than the damage Block B had sustained. The attack had effectively crippled the group, leaving things peaceful around HQ. The police had largely stayed out of the aftermath, both you and Suho having called in some favors. Other gangs in the area steered clear of VIXX territory and defensively buffed up any borders with VIXX. Catcher had taken in the surviving kids who didn’t want to go to an orphanage, and the rest of the freed cattle and prostitutes were allowed to go on their way or join VIXX.

Peace restored, you’d taken to focusing on recovery and helping Leo and Birdie plan their traditional wedding. You pathologically avoided Ravi, who hadn’t seemed to notice how deeply he’d hurt you. When you’d been unable to avoid him right after the raid, he’d set your blood boiling, his words of concern over Mouse cutting so deep that you couldn’t bare to look at him. You’d been so frustrated that you ended up giving him extra work and sending him as far away from HQ as you could manage just to avoid seeing him around the building. He’d stupidly taken it as being assigned to strengthen border security.

It wasn’t until a week and a half after the raid that Ravi had come to your office. He’d shuffled around for a few moments, mouth flapping open and closed a few times before he finally managed to spit out a heavy “I’m sorry” and sink down into a chair.

“ _You’ve been putting up with a lot of shit lately, especially from me. I fucked up badly, been out of line. I didn’t even realize it but when I look back on it… You’d been warning me all along…_ ” The apology had been long over due, and you’d listened to him for several minutes as he started pleading. He’d probably been spurred to apologize because Catcher had finally confirmed that Mouse had left the country, and though the conditions weren’t ideal and the apology wasn’t everything you’d wanted, it was a starting place.

In the end, you sent him away without a punishment but told him that it was his last chance, that it’d probably be years before you thought you might be comfortable enough to leave your life in his hands again, that you didn’t want to see his face for a while, that everything was personal. It was a starting point, much like Catcher’s apology before the raid had been, and the road ahead would be long, but at least the issue had been addressed.

Birdie had provided more than enough excuses to avoid both Ravi and Catcher in the weeks immediately following the raid, dragging you and Leo around to help pick out furniture and things for the wedding. When you finally presented her with the diamond necklace, bracelet and earrings that matched her wedding ring, she almost cried, claiming that everything you were doing was too much.

Birdie had asked for Kris to stand in for her family during the ceremony since you were standing in for Leo’s, setting you to call the man. Kris jumped at the chance to visit, saying he’d clear his schedule and vowing that nothing would stop him from coming. News of you and N getting back together had made it to his ears, and though he didn’t seem enthusiastic about it, he hadn’t outright stated his disappointment.

Rumors of you and N had also spread through VIXX like wildfire, sparked by how quickly the two of you had disappeared upon arriving back at HQ after the raid. You couldn’t exactly refute the rumors, so you just never talked about it. No one ever dared confront you about them either, but it was fairly obvious from the way you let N dote on you that you were back together. Hyuk had taken the rumors hard, at least according to Ken, but always kept a strong face whenever you happened upon him in HQ.

Leo and Birdie’s little girl was born early December in Hongbin’s clinic. Birdie’d been finalizing some of the details of the wedding reception turned New Year’s party with you when her contractions started, and her water broke on the way to the clinic. Leo had been flustered and fidgety during the whole labor, practically useless in his worry. Hongbin eventually yelled at him to sit his ass down and let Birdie break his hand for all that he was getting in the doctor’s way. Birdie had insisted you go with them and had you planted right by her side, muttering something about returning favors. They’d named her Sara, after Birdie’s grandmother at Leo’s insistence, wanting her to be named after someone in Birdie’s family.

Sara was tiny and precious, with her father’s eyes and thick black hair and her mother’s nose. According to Leo, she was more fussy than Seyoon, but he didn’t seem to mind, turning to mush whenever he was in her presence. Seyoon was in awe of little Sara as much as the men she’d grow up to call her uncles. You mostly watched from a distance, an aversion to all children not Seyoon rearing its head, coupled with the guilt that settled in your stomach every time you saw N with Leo’s children.

You’d sat down with N, a few days after Sara was born, and told him that you wanted to get an IUD. It had caught him a bit off guard, but he hadn’t objected or pressed the subject. You were grateful for that, and luckily it hadn’t resulted in any change in your relationship. If anything, the two of you rolled around in bed more than you had been in the year leading up to N’s betrayal. It was making up for the lost time, you’d supposed, but it wasn’t like you were complaining–no one quite knew your body or thoughts in bed like N.

That, of course, led to your current situation: N laying on his stomach as you straddled his hips and clamped the skin on his back with plastic red, yellow and orange clothespins. Until your shoulder was comfortably healed beyond a doubt, you’d both decided to find _other_ means to play as rough as you both liked. Thus the clothes pins were replacing the whips and floggers for the time being. You’d taken to outlining the phoenix on N’s back with the clips, getting as detailed as you could with time restraints and the bulky size of the clips. The hitch in his breathing as you placed each pin was delightful, and the design was quite impressive once you’d placed all two and a half dozen. If not for his tattoos, you were sure that his skin would be turning a lovely rosy color under the pressure.

You flicked at the clothespins randomly, drawing muffled whines and pleasured twitches from him. You switched to ripping them off, randomly choosing and pulling them with quick strokes that caused him to hiss delightfully. When they were all stripped off, you ran your hands over his back, gently raking your nails across the expanse.

“Feels good,” N hummed and rolled his hips down into the bed impatiently and you decided it was enough with the playing. You lifted up and nudged at N’s side so he’d turn over, his actions a bit clumsy and awkward as he tried to stay between your legs as he rolled over. You grabbed a condom (a precaution since he was back to work) and lube from the bedside table as N resettled himself, then lowered yourself down on his thighs. You had him sheathed in moments and took your time with the lube, pumping him teasingly slow as you slid your other hand down to play with your clit.

N pushed himself up to his elbows, whining that he couldn’t see what you were doing. You squeezed the base of his cock in warning causing his head to loll back as a hiss escaped his lips, seconds before he dropped back down on the bed and his fingers found your knees. He’d closed his eyes to focus on the sensation as you started pumping again, his lips parted slightly. His chest and stomach were still slightly pink from where you’d repeatedly put clips earlier, the sight making you tempted to grab the clips again. You were too impatient for that, however, and it seemed like N was too by the way his fingers were rubbing and scratching at your knees and the way he was starting to squirm.

You lifted up and repositioned yourself, lowering back down and sighing contentedly once you’d taken him all in. N’s hands slid up your thighs, his hips rolling impatiently. You slapped his stomach in warning, purposely waiting a minute to move. His punishment served, you started moving. You let his hands roam and didn’t object when he pulled you down, whining and giving him a little slap when that action caused him to slip out. Repositioning didn’t take long and you were moving again, hips meeting halfway, N’s arms holding you down to his chest. You nipped at his jaw, closing off small moans on his flesh.

N came first and you milked him for all he was worth, sitting back to get a good look at his face. He brought his thumb to your clit, the touch the last bit you needed to reach your own climax. You stilled your hips, causing N to curse under his breath as you convulsed around him. You reached down and squeezed N’s hand as you regained yourself, staying like that for a few moments before releasing his hand and getting up. You flopped down on your stomach beside him and N’s hand found yours again. N took a few minutes to let his breath return to normal before rolling out of bed. He returned moments later with a damp cloth to clean you up with. Once he’d taken care of you and cleared the clothespins off the bed, he dropped the wash cloth on the ground with the rest of your clothes to pick up later and coaxed you under the sheets, pulling you close.

“I like the clothes pins,” N confessed.

“Oh?” you asked, somewhat teasingly. It was quite obvious that he liked them, but it was nice hearing it out loud.

“We should make zip strips,” N hummed. You perked up at the suggestion.

“You’re a kinky little fuck, you know that?” you teased him, letting a smile spread across your lips. For all the worrying he did in his daily life, and all the things he was irrationally afraid of, he’d always been the type that wanted to try everything in bed at least once and over indulged in things once he found something he–or you–liked. At least it kept things spicy.

“ _Your_ kinky little fuck,” he corrected cheesley before leaning in to kiss you. You hummed into his lips, bringing your hand up to play with his hair. It was getting a bit long and was starting to fade to pink–he’d decided to let the die fade out and try something a bit different for a while, but hadn’t decided _what_ quite yet. When he pulled back, you were content to just stare into his eyes as you let sleep creep up on you. His brows suddenly knit, as if something floated across his mind. He opened his mouth slightly but stopped before he could say anything.

“Mm? What?” you asked, curious.

“When you were in China, did you sleep with Kris?” N asked tentatively, shifting and beginning to trace the swirls of water on your back. You stiffened slightly, not expecting to have this conversation.

“I did,” you answered simply, deciding only to divulge what he asked for.

“Was it,” he paused and licked his lips, “Was it just for business or?”

“Whether it was just for business or not shouldn’t matter. We weren’t together at the time, so what I did was my own business,” you snapped, pulling away and turning onto your stomach, not really wanting to think about your time in China.

“But we’re together now and Kris is going to be here in less than seventy-two hours. Your relationship with him in the past _will_ affect the present,” N snapped right back, keeping his hand on your back. You sighed, seeing his point.

“I was in a really bad place back then, so I jumped at his attentions,” you mumbled, propping yourself up on your elbows and burying your head in your hands. “I needed the support.”

“How serious was it?” N asked, tone wavering.

“He proposed.” N clenched his fingers into a fist on your back. “He took it well when I rejected it.”

“How was he?”

“Now you’re just trying to make yourself jealous,” you groaned, but you weren’t going to lie. “It was good sex.”

“I wanna watch you two fuck.” The statement was so out of the blue, you felt like you got whiplash from how fast your head turned to look at him. His expression was dead serious.

“You _want_ me to fuck him?” you asked incredulously, sitting up and staring at him with wide eyes, the covers pooling behind you and uncovering N as well. N flushed, averting your gaze.

“I mean, you’ve seen the porn I was in and heard the audio tapes… I wanna know what you’re like with other men,” N explained. You remained quiet for a few, long moments, thinking over the proposal. You really didn’t have any qualms about sleeping with Kris again if you felt like it was appropriate for business, so it wasn’t that much of stretch to bring him into bed with N, but Kris himself might not be as enthusiastic. The idea of suggesting Hyuk or one of the other men you’d slept with in the last couple years for a threesome instead came to mind, but you quickly dismissed it. This was N being jealous, in a roundabout way, and he obviously wanted to assess the biggest threat to your relationship.

“Only if he agrees to it,” you offered. “And only if you’re ok with getting frisky with him too.” N turned away to look up at the ceiling, a haughty expression growing on his face.

“It’s not like I haven’t sucked cock before.”

-.-.-.-.-

You went to the airport with Suho to meet Kris. You’d brought Leo and Ravi along, and Suho a few of his men. Kris arrived with Zitao and the head of your Chinese branch, and was a bit surprised to see the large group that greeted him. Kris had swooped in to hug you before going down the line with more formal greetings, Zitao following him. Greetings finished, everyone moved to a private room in an upscale restaurant in EXO’s territory to discuss business over dinner.

Block B had quieted down for the most part and VIXX had moved into much of its outlying border. Your Chinese branch was doing well; it was small but was becoming better established thanks to EXO-M’s backing. New deals for drugs, weapons and clubs were discussed in basic terms and would be fine tuned at a later date. However, most of the conversation consisted of what the other groups in the country were up to and how to react to certain moves, more thoroughly defining allies, threats and nobodies.

The meal hadn’t been all business, though. Leo had taken the chance to catch up with Kris and Zitao, though he remained reserved because of the more formal environment. Kris and Suho had been more than a little curious about your recovery, so you’d indulged them. Though not fully recovered, the amount of painkillers you were taking had been reduced and you were able to go about daily life without much strain or pain. You were already readjusting to going out for business, more than happy to leave the office behind. When Kris and Suho started to small talk, the rest of the party broke up into smaller more friendly conversation.

After dinner had concluded, Kris and Zitao left with the rest of EXO, important private business to discuss. Kris had been unable to make it a vacation, even though his primary reason for coming was the wedding, and had packed his schedule around the 30th and 1st with business meetings. It was understandable considering the size of EXO and how busy he usually was.

After parting ways, you’d gone out to get a feel for how the streets were doing, ending the outing at one of the upscale bars in your territory. Things were still quite tense with Ravi, but he was still your second in command, and there had been a lot to discuss with him in a more private setting. Even though EXO was your ally, you didn’t necessarily like everything they did or every offer they made, so you’d spent a few hours discussing issues from the other meeting with Ravi, Leo, and the head of your Chinese branch.

The alcohol had eased the tension between you and Ravi some, but you decided you’d had a bit more than you should have while still on fairly powerful pain medication when Leo was escorting you back to the car. Leo ended up having to make sure you got up the stairs in HQ alright before he could leave. When he turned to leave, you mumbled an apology for keeping him out so late, especially with little Sara at home and the wedding so close–Birdie was bound to be stressed and tired. Leo only shook his head and told you to sleep before continuing on his way. Left alone, you stripped off your suit haphazardly and crawled into your empty bed to sleep off the alcohol and rejuvenate yourself some before a busy last day before the wedding.

-.-.-.-.-

Less than sixteen hours until Leo and Birdie’s wedding service, and you felt too lazy to get out of bed to make sure the preparations were coming together. You were pleasantly sore from last night’s activities; the private rehearsal party you’d had with Leo, Birdie, Kris, N and the hired staff for the service had ended with two men following you to bed. N was the one who proposed the idea to Kris, and through whatever powers of persuasion N had, Kris had agreed. It’d been a little more intense than you’d been doing lately, and N’s and Kris’ backsides would probably be sore for the rest of the day, but it had been a pleasantly exhausting experience.

Even if you’d wanted to get out of bed, you doubted you could for the tangle of limbs you were trapped in. N was spooning you from behind, arms wrapped possessively around your waist, while Kris lay only inches in front of you, arm draped across you, and most likely N as well. Kris shifted as his eyes fluttered open, his expression quickly filling with affection when he registered your own sleepy gaze on him. As he leaned towards you to steal a kiss, you felt N’s arms tighten their grip around your waist.

“We should get up,” you murmured when Kris pulled back. “I have to go make sure the final preparations for the New Year’s party are getting done.” You’d agreed with Birdie and Leo to kill a few birds with one stone–hold the New Year’s party and the wedding at the same time in different rooms in the same hotel and officially present Birdie to your network of allies and contacts at the party after the wedding.

“A few more minutes,” N groaned, nuzzling into your shoulder. “It won’t make much difference.” He pressed a kiss there, and from the way Kris looked behind you and cocked an eyebrow, you figured N was giving Kris some kind of look.

“I second that opinion,” Kris murmured, bringing his other hand up to brush your hair out of your face.

“Five more minutes, that’s it,” you conceded, really not wanting to get out of bed either. But even as you said the words, you doubted it’d be _just_ five minutes by the way N’s hands were slowly inching lower.

-.-.-.-.-

“So _this_ is where you disappeared to, Catcher,” you noted as you entered the room Birdie was using to get dressed. Catcher was pacing the room with a sleepy little Sara cradled in her arms as Birdie was being dressed by a woman. Catcher and Birdie looked over at you as you closed the door and stepped further into the room. Catcher and Sara both were already in hanbok, Catcher having switched out her normal eye patch for a more decorative one that matched her outfit, but Birdie was barely in the undergarments. “Ken’s been looking for you.” Catcher narrowed her eye slightly at the mention of Ken then starting to pace again, gently rocking Sara. He’d probably tried something once they’d changed into hanbok.

“Being in here is more fun than any stiff party,” Catcher explained, “And someone needed to watch the little princess while Birdie got ready anyway.” She seemed quite content holding baby, her love for kids showing clearly–a sharp contrast to how awkward you were the few times Sara had been put in your arms.

“And the help has really been appreciated,” Birdie thanked Catcher from behind the woman tying her skirt, her voice a little tired but excited. Sara was barely a few weeks old, still so tiny, and was no doubt reeking havoc on her and Leo’s sleeping schedule. “If you’re down here, Nixe, it must almost be time.” Her tone turned to a mixture of excitement and nervousness, and when the woman helping her dress moved out of the way to grab something, you could see that Birdie was trying to keep a composed face. Her traditional makeup and hair were already done, the whole look having taken a few hours, but she looked beautiful.

“Yes, it’s almost time,” you confirmed. You’d been over at the reception hall, greeting the early guests, dressed in hanbok and hair done up, but with thirty minutes left until it was time to start the service, you’d ducked out ahead of some of the other members that were attending. “Where’s Seyoon?” you asked tentatively as the woman helping Birdie put the finishing touches on her hanbok.

“With Kris and Taekwoon next door,” Birdie said absently as she watched the woman straighten everything. She finally stepped away from Birdie exclaiming that she was all done and Birdie looked up at you. “Well?” You felt a small smile tug at your lips.

“You look stunning,” you complimented, meaning it. Birdie broke out into a wide grin, lifting her skirt enough so she could cross to you without tripping. Once she was standing in front of you, she took your hands and gripped them tightly.

“I can’t say it enough, but thank you for letting me use this hanbok,” Birdie said, looking as if she were about to tear up. Even just three years ago you wouldn’t have considered giving that hanbok to her or anyone else, and Birdie certainly didn’t miss the significance of it. But you didn’t want that to cause her to ruin the makeup she had on.

“Save the gratitude for the ceremony,” you replied.

“Right, I’m going to be bowing to you soon, _Mother_ ,” Birdie chuckled to herself.

“I’m younger than you, you know,” you jabbed back lightly with an amused smile. Catcher cleared her throat just as Sara starting making some cranky sounds.

“If you’d like, Ken and I will take the little ones for a few hours after the party finishes,” Catcher offered, stepping forward and working on quieting Sara down.

“That would be wonderful, but I think we can manage,” Birdie rejected gently, pulling away from you and reaching out to take Sara. Baby back in her arms, she seemed to calm down a little more. “Sara’s still so small after all,” she explained. “Honestly I’m almost as nervous as the first time we did the wedding thing,” she confessed and looked back up at you, “but I think I’m more excited than nervous because the whole family is here.” She looked like she had more she wanted to say, but a knock on the door interrupted her. The door opened seconds later, revealing Ken and N dressed in hanbok.

“ _There_ you are,” Ken grinned when he saw Catcher, swooping in and catching her in a hug before she could move out of reach. She looked a little disgruntled, but let Ken do as he liked. Seconds later, something crashed into your legs and began playing with your skirt.

“Seyoon-ah,” N scolded as he reached down and scooped the boy up into his arms before the child managed to lift it over his head. “Don’t play with the skirts.”

“If you’re not careful, Birdie, he’s gonna turn into a skirt chaser,” Ken joked, pulling back from Catcher slightly as the room erupted into laughter. Seyoon looked around a bit confused, looking slightly put off when Ken reached over and pinched his cheek, before breaking out into a grin himself. “He’s a little more than amused by the colors and volume of the skirts, I think.”

“It’s why we sent him over to Taekwoon,” Birdie explained, grinning. “He wouldn’t leave Catcher’s skirts alone.”

“Honestly, sounds like Ken when he was a toddler,” you jabbed, laughing when Ken made a disapproving face.

“ _Oh_? Tell me more,” Catcher demanded with a grin, turning her head slightly to look back at Ken.

“ _Later_ ,” Ken insisted. “We came to pick up the kids. It’s almost time to begin.”

“Right,” Birdie said, nodding. Catcher wiggled out of Ken’s arms and carefully took Sara back from Birdie, quickly working to soothe the baby when she started to fuss at leaving her mother’s arms again.

“Shall we go?” N asked, setting Seyoon down. You hummed an affirmative, watching as Seyoon crossed to Catcher and began tugging on her skirt asking to see his sister. Birdie took his hand and told him to be good and go with his uncle Ken.

“You can see your sister when we sit down,” Ken promised, taking the boy’s hand and leading him out of the room, Catcher following them out. N slid up to your side, lacing his fingers with yours.

“Birdie, you look gorgeous. Leo’s not going to know what to do with himself,” N complimented.

“Thank you,” Birdie said, fighting a smile.

“Come on, let’s go before we hold things up,” you nagged, tugging on N’s hand. He hummed, and you nodded to Birdie as you exited, closing the door behind you. Down the hall you could see Seyoon running ahead and Ken chasing after him, Catcher following a bit more sedately.

“He’s a handful,” N commented when the gaggle ahead of you disappeared into the ceremony hall.

“So are we,” you said dryly, causing N to chuckle and grip your hand tighter. “Birdie and Leo know how to handle us though, so their kids are probably no problem.”

“True,” N hummed. He let the subject drop and you squeezed his hand gratefully. He came to a halt in front of the ceremony hall and turned to you, catching your other hand. You looked up at him questioningly and he smiled, leaning down and pressing his forehead to yours. “I wanted to tell you earlier, but didn’t get the chance. You look pretty in hanbok.”

“You say that to all the girls,” you brushed him off, looking at him with a mock stern expression.

“They don’t fill my thoughts like you do,” N murmured leaning down to close the distance between your lips.

“Aren’t you being cute?” You and N quickly pulled back apart when Kris’s voice popped your romantic bubble. He was looking at you with a cocked eyebrow. “Just don’t get too caught up and be late to the service,” he warned with a nod and slight smile, his hand brushing the small of your back as he slipped past you and entered the hall. You could feel the heat rising on your cheeks at having been caught in such sappy circumstances by a man who still harbored feelings for you, but you watched Kris disappear behind the door nevertheless. When you turned back to look at N, it was obvious he’d had a similar reaction, his flush extending to his ears and one hand on his cheek. He swallowed and straightened his posture.

“We should go in,” N said, a smile returning to his face as he forced down the flush. He turned to open the door to the hall, but you stayed rooted to the spot, tugging in to come back as he tugged you to move forward. He looked back at you with questioning eyes.

“N, I–” you started, an urge to try to spit those words out, but they got stuck in your throat. “I–” you tried again to no avail. N’s eyes crinkled into crescents as a smile spread across his lips again.

“It’s ok,” N said turning back to the door. “You can tell me a much as you want with the whip later.”

“Right.” A smile tugged at your lips as he open the door and held it for you. You stepped into the ceremony hall and swept your gaze over the heads of your top ranking men and women, the children, and the few members of EXO-M, feeling very much alive and invigorated. This was your group, your _family_. You were alive, happy, and you certainly had no doubts about that this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the next part of this collaboration, written by Vinter! I've linked it below!
> 
> [Traitor - Part 1 (Vinter)](http://storiesbyvinter.tumblr.com/post/96298354599/trust-traitor-part-1-rated-m)   
>  [Traitor - Part 2 (Vinter)](http://storiesbyvinter.tumblr.com/post/96298955414/trust-traitor-part-2-rated-m)   
>  [Traitor - Part 3 (Vinter)](http://storiesbyvinter.tumblr.com/post/96299650409/trust-traitor-part-3-rated-m)   
>  [Traitor - Part 4 (Vinter)](http://storiesbyvinter.tumblr.com/post/96300188089/trust-traitor-part-4-rated-m)   
>  [Double Nature - Games (Vinter)](http://storiesbyvinter.tumblr.com/post/89471121524/trust-double-nature-games-rated-m)   
>  [Catcher (Vinter)](http://storiesbyvinter.tumblr.com/post/102977821699/trust-catcher)


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